can anyone help me answer this simple question?
Okay all, I have been on this site for awhile now and read a lot of posts in addition of course to suffering my own daily BM crap. This is what I do not understand...WHY DO THESE BMS HAVE KIDS AND THEN NOT WANT THEM AROUND? Take out the teenage accidents and all the other "Oh crap, I'm pregnant" situations. Now we are left with all these married women who DECIDED and in my BFs case, begged to be parents, to bring these little bundles of perfection (or so they thought) into the universe. There was no stopping them. They succeded (and f--ed up a lot of lives in the process) but NOW the focus of their lives is making sure dad had to take the brat as many seconds as possible. WTF? Isn't a mother's love for her child supposed to be the one constant in life? Isn't this a basic requirement of human survival? It blows my mind and I want someone to explain this to me. Of course I don't want the little monster around, but I didn't beg for him, carry him in my body and give birth to him. When you do that, don't you make an unspoken promise to them? No matter how fat, or lazy or challenged they may be? I don't even like skid11, but I am really starting to pity him. This poor stupid boy adores his mother, idolizes her, and all she cares about is NOT having him around. No matter how dense he is, he simply HAS to realize at some point that his mother doesn't want him around. Just think of the psych issues that will come of that. BM just got back from a 2 week vacation, on Friday at noon, and asked us to take him for the following weekend (no, she had no specific plans or events). Don't you think the kid is going to notice that and feel like crap? Don't you think she should miss him? If not, don't you think she would at least care that he may have missed her? 2 weeks is a long time for a kid. That is the story of our life by the way, certainly not an isolated incident. Please help me understand.
A lot of women want to have a
A lot of women want to have a baby because of the attention that they get from it.
a lot more women believe that having a child will make their relationship with their SO better, not true but lets face it, not everyone thinks through a decision before making it.
We've all heard it said that anyone can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy, the same can be said for mommas. It doesn't take love to be a mom, all it takes is a missed pill or an accident to be a mother. Real moms love their children and want what is best for them!
Probably doesn't make you feel any better or your SS, but sometimes it helps to understand a little, hope this helps! Good luck!
A lot of women want to have a
A lot of women want to have a baby because of the attention that they get from it.
Yeah, like our BM getting pregnant within the WEEK that SD17 had her baby.
I understand that women can have children later in life now and that it is common but, within the WEEK?? Be a grandma for a little bit!!
Also, she sees her CS fast coming to an end. Now, she's got some other sucker to hook in if their situation doesn't work out!
Agreed. BM "couldn't wait to
Agreed. BM "couldn't wait to have children"...."cried every month when she started her period"...blah blah blah. Whipped out two kids in two years after that, started sleeping with EVERYONE in the county, then left DH and his kids (and these kids were LITTLE at the time!) for some other guy in another state. Never paid a dime, never did squat with them. And, yes, they are socially disfunctional. In their mid-20's. SD simply chooses not to work (but her baby factory is wide-open so she doesn't really have to worry about $$$), SS has serious emotional and social problems that really seem to stem back to his mother leaving them.
Yet, Dh and his mother (Grandmother) always say BM "did the best she could." (a little enabling going on here, ya think?!) Grandmother still sends that HO presents for her birthday, mother's day, and Christmas. WTF???? And, we get to deal with these completely screwed up adults who will probably be leaches to society for years to come!
I understand she was a shit
I understand she was a shit mom-but seriously-if they grew up to be dysfunctional adults wouldn't it be MOSTLy because of who raised them primarily? I don't know if they went back to her or if your Dh raised them however.
I've gotta say..I've read this before on this site and it bugs me..people that yell about their screwed up skids and try to blame the parent that WASN'T involved in raising them, and don't look at themselves and/or their partner that actually had the majority of years/time to raise and mold these kids to good citizens.
The Bm in my case has 3
The Bm in my case has 3 children, 2 different fathers. BM didn't want children to love and cherish, she wanted children for her own sick reasons. DH begged BM to have an abortion, because he knew how BM was with her Ex and DH knew what was in store for him for the rest of his life. He also didn't want to bring another poor child into her care. Some women, like some of the BMs on this site and just like the BM in my situation, have children for several reasons. 1. to trap the men, hoping to keep them. 2. Keep control over the man. 3. Child Support and the list goes on and on. BM here had SD to try and control DH because she knew he wouldn't be with her. It's almost out of spite. I know she loves the guranteed CS money she receives each month. Since she refuses to find employment, I'm sure she sees it as a paycheck, of sorts.
BM here also had her children for "social status" even though both fathers are not in her life, she can be the soccer mom, the ballet mom, the super mom...and she will play the "oh, poor pittiful me, single mom" card. She will tell anyone who listens about how DH was abusive or how he is a dead beat etc etc...
Some women are just sick, vengeful, spiteful creatures. It's sad..because not only do the men in these situations suffer, the children get the blunt of it.
Like!
Like!
I thinks it a new fad where
I thinks it a new fad where bm's get to be dead beats to their kids. My skids bio told my H when they were married that she never got to live her life cuz she got pregnant at 16 to another man and then made her have 2 kids with him so thats why she needs to go to bars all the time. Still going to bars and when I ask my kids what there mom said about a certain situation, her response is always, "Oh Really", she is an emotionally retarded pot smoking scank. ewwww
My skids BM couldn't have
My skids BM couldn't have kids--so she begged DH to adopt. My sweet husband is the kind of man that didn't really feel one way or the other about having children. If they did-great. If they didn't-great. But, because he is a wonderful man who wanted to make his (then) wife happy, he agreed to adopt and started the long process of doing just that. Next thing you know, they have two kids and (I guess I should call her AM for "adoptive mom") AM decides that she doesn't like staying home and spending all the money on providing the two babies what they needed. She left when SD was 3 and SS was 1.
Poor kids. thats all i can
Poor kids. thats all i can say..poor kids. She sounds like a selfish pig.
Help you understand that some
Help you understand that some people suck as parents? BM in my life is a horrible mom, but I know most other mothers who are great parents. Same as fathers...some of the suck, some don't. I feel sorry for the kids who get the sucky ones, but I don't think it's that hard to understand that everyone who has a child is not cut out for parenting.
My husband's ex-wife is not a
My husband's ex-wife is not a horrible mother. She truly loves her children. She is just completely clueless as to what it means to be a parent. She is a fantastic buddy to her kids! She refers to them as "buddy"..."my best friend".... stuff like that. They have a blast when they are with her. And when she was custodial, they didn't go hungry. They dressed nicely. She wasn't abusive. She didn't neglect them. But she didn't parent. And as they got older, she started losing control of them.
A couple of years ago both of the kids decided to move in with us. It was an extremely difficult transition for their mother and really, for their mother's entire family. She sees the kids as traitors. Her mother told my stepson that he "betrayed his family". In short, she sees them twice a year for a few days at a time. That's it. As far as she is concerned, they are our problem now. I think she still loves them. She just doesn't have the maturity to understand that they weren't betraying her by moving in with us.
And if she was honest, she would admit that what stung the most was the loss of $2,700 a month in child support.
As a biological mother...Rationally, I understand that my kids should spend time with their dad and their stepmother. And I don't interfere with that. But honestly, I wish they never had to go to his house. I miss them every second when they are away. I don't trust him to take care of them the way I do. And I worry constantly about them. Now that they are older, it's gotten a lot easier. But when they were little, I cried pretty much the whole weekend when they were with him. Again, I totally understand in my head that they need to spend time with him. But heart never got used to having them gone.
I guess you guys are right,
I guess you guys are right, but windx, I don't see at quite so simple, maybe it is. Not to be sexist, but I do think there is a difference between mothers "who suck" and dads. If you think about it in a larger evolutionary sense, dads don't have as much invested as a mother who carries the child and is supposed to be a guaranteed caregiver. Yes there are wonderfuld dads, but so many that want nothing to do with their kids, many more than women with that attitude. This view is more evolutionary, and I know we aren't apes (I don't want to insult the apes).
I once read a review of the book Anna Karenina by Tolstoy that made the point that one flaw of the book was that it was obviously written by a man, because Anna abandoned her child to pursue her love interest and a woman would never do that. Obviously, many women do indeed do this to different degrees. Seems to be getting worse or maybe I am just seeing more of it. A philosophical questions really, obviously way to many people just "suck" and the things I have seen as SM for just a year have made me wiser to the dark side of humanity. Thanks for the thoughs everyone. P.S just found out since my original post that BM carefully crafted the schedule so that BF would have to stay "home" with skid for Columbus Day. Since his work is short-staffed, skid's day off will mean sitting in the office being quiet while dad works. I remember days off from school when my mom and I would just hang out, maybe play a game, bake cookies, chat...so sad that this kid is a hot potato and the quickest and sneakiest gets rid of him first.
I think it's kinda like women
I think it's kinda like women who want to be pregnant all of a sudden seeing an abundance of pregnant women. Or a single person being overloaded with sappy couples on Valentine's Day. I think it becomes more noticable when it matters more to you.
I don't disagree with you that it is more shocking to see at BM being bad at parenting than to see the dad...I just don't necessarily think there's a major reason for it that would be a coverall answer.
Ahhhhhhh, thank you mom2five
Ahhhhhhh, thank you mom2five for this:
"But honestly, I wish they never had to go to his house. I miss them every second when they are away. I don't trust him to take care of them the way I do. And I worry constantly about them. Now that they are older, it's gotten a lot easier. But when they were little, I cried pretty much the whole weekend when they were with him. Again, I totally understand in my head that they need to spend time with him. But heart never got used to having them gone."
This is what I am talking about. This is what I expect a mother to feel. This is that instinct to love and protect that I thought was more prevalent. This is how I imagine feeling when I have kids and they are out of my sight. Thank you for reassuring me that the feelings to still exist for some women. I bet YOU can't imagine being out of town for 2 weeks without your kids and then trying to figure out how to get their dad to take them for the following weekend. I just got stuck with a BM who didn't get the loving parent gene! Of course I didn't get the loving stepmom gene, but I think that one is double recessive
. Would you like to adopt skid11?
I love this. I often wonder
I love this. I often wonder about this. How and why?
I don't get it, it just feels like punishment directed to me the SM vs. BF. She had them 50% of the time until we got married in '07. Then she took off for a monthly long vacation to Sturgis Michigan for biker's "week" and never picked back up on the visitations. Even when DH was in the hospital she didn't take them. BUT she wants her check and can't work because she's too busy.
p.s. BF claims he likes
p.s. BF claims he likes having them 24/7/365... But he doesn't parent them or do anything with them so I really think its all Disney b.s.
"Poor kids. thats all i can
"Poor kids. thats all i can say..poor kids. She sounds like a selfish pig."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think this is the bottom line answer to the question of why some BM's don't seem to care about their kids that they so desperately wanted. They only wanted a child for selfish reasons. (to trap someone, to get money, to get attention, etc) When said child starts infringing on BM's selfish life, then child becomes a casusalty of the selfish pig.
It's very sad how disposable children are to these people. I can't imagine going a day without seeing my son much less two weeks!
Yeah, I dont know that the
Yeah, I dont know that the kids ever get it. BM was pretty blatant at the time she got pregnant with ss that she did not want him-told dh and also several other people who reported it to me years later. She willingly gave dh custody when he was less than 1 year old. Had him eow for years-let me keep him for a year (when he was 5) when dh was in Iraq because "he's an awful big handful anyway". Didn't like taking him as long as the parenting guidelines said to in the summer. Broke up the weeks with him in the summer as it was too hard on her to have him continously for 5 weeks.
Ironically, after dh got back from Iraq the first time-she initiated court action regarding guideline visitation. She was really just pissy at me and did it just to somehow get back at us. One of the things she insisted on is if dh was deployed again ss would come live with her. I LMAO when dh was deployed again in 07. I have further LMAO that his deployment is just now ending as of tomorrow. She had no clue that she was in for a 3 year haul. She has told dh numerous times that he can have him back at anytime.
Guess what we are not taking him back. He has always idolized bm and still by far prefers her although deep in his heart I think he realizes that she is a f up. the only way he would be allowed back in my home is to change his attitude toward me-he knows this and refuses to even try-so that's pretty much his decision. SS dislikes me because he made up so many horrible stories about me to gain bm's attention that he started to believe them and while now he knows they aren't true he still feels like they are-so he wants nothing to do with me.