Common Courtesy or expecting too much?
I realize that there are many here that deal with more annoying/traumatizing issues, so I apologize if this seems insignificant in the "big picture".
Due to circumstances being what they are, the skids are here on some of BM's days. DH is not here as he actually works. So that means skids are here with me the SM. It's been almost six months that this has been happening. Not once has BM given a phone call or text to me saying "leaving work" or "be there in 30 minutes" or anything like that. Her work schedule fluctuates where she could be coming at 4 pm or 10 pm. There have been times we are just sitting down to dinner, and she comes to get them, demands that I pack up their dinner (so she doesn't have to cook). Then there have been times I've sent the kids to bed, as it was after the 'agreed upon time" and she would pound on the door demanding that I get the kids dressed so that they could 'go home' with her.
Is it too much to expect some courtesy?
Absolutely not too much to
Absolutely not too much to ask. You are being used and disrespected by both the BM and your DH.
BM needs to get a nanny and you need to start saying no to watching your skids. The BM is running your life and she knows it.
Some serious boundaries need to be set now.
See, I've tried to explain it
See, I've tried to explain it as disrespect to DH. She will occasionally let him know, but he's not here--nor is he allowed to have his phone with him at work. He says he'll talk to her, but that seems pointless.
She has said that she won't pay for a babysitter/nanny. And the skids are not old enough to be left home for 6+ hours. The younger one isn't good for 15 minutes without getting into too much trouble.
all of that. She wants you to
all of that.
She wants you to babysit? She will need to ask, & pay you.
This was our discussion
This was our discussion today. I told him I am done dealing with her inconsideration. I don't know why she can't show basic courtesy. She would have to let a babysitter know the pick up time, so perhaps she'd like to hire one.
By the way, I just looked at her and said "not going to happen." She didn't come in the house, she's not allowed due to previous behavior. I told her "this is what happens when you don't communicate, and the kids will be out in about 5 minutes." and shut the door. She was pissed, but oh well.
If she says she won't pay for
If she says she won't pay for a nanny/babysitter, that's her problem.
If you continue to let her use you, then it's also your fault too.
I agree refuse to watch them.
I agree refuse to watch them. This is DH & BM's problem not yours. Why would you let them hold you hostage like that? It would be a cold day in hell before I did anything BM demanded.
You need to stand your ground... not your kid, not your problem. If they would like your assistance they ask nicely & agree to your terms.
I don't give into her
I don't give into her demands. However, DH does. He continues to use the line of "what's best for the kids?" whenever I mention that it's not fair to us. DH agreed to my terms, told BM the terms, and then she just does whatever the hell she wants. This is why there are issues, and I told him today that if he would not communicate, set parameters, and those parameters were not followed then I was out. Period. I am not going to allow this to continue to happen.
These are all things that I
These are all things that I have requested. However, my requests constantly seem to fall on deaf ears. I have told DH that after tonight, I am no longer available to help. It doesn't affect him directly, but it does affect the kids (who will be left alone, most likely). There's no age limit in the state, but perhaps if someone else calls DCF on BM, then we would have more of a case.
It's been three years of us having almost 65% of the time. She gets no child support, but does get to claim both the kids no taxes, as it's supposed to be a 50/50 split. I told DH he just needs to go to court to have the official documents support what is actually happening. I don't mind the kids (well, most days I don't), but BM is getting on my last freaking nerve.
These requests fell on deaf
These requests fell on deaf ears because u let them. All u have to do is not open the door or not be home if she doesn't call in advance.
U are making ur self available and a doormat for these parents. Ur DH would rather let u be disrespected than stand up to BM and upset her.
Stop allowing this.
hope things get better for
hope things get better for you dear
BM thinks that she owes
BM thinks that she owes nothing. This is the problem. According to the CS calculator, if BM and DH made the same amount of money, with custody as it has actually been, she would owe him $225 a month. We know she makes more, but I think DH is too proud to actually ask for CS. I told him the issue is bigger than the child support. It's about setting boundaries.
Seriously, these two are
Seriously, these two are treating you like a doormat and you are letting them hide behind the kids to do it. Why are you being the ONLY responsible, considerate adult here? You're the only one who can put a stop to it.
One Plan that may work... I
One Plan that may work...
I would let the kids know that you are starting a new hobby. Mention taking 'classes' and the schedule hasn't been set yet.
Then hide your car or go out for a few hours when BM normally turns up.
She will have a fit about you "abandoning her children" and not caring what happens to them (PAS 101).
This is when you tell DH that if she cannot make plans then you are not available. You have these 'classes' and BM did not call or ask if it is OK to drop the kids off.
The next time the kids are over tell them that you are sorry their mother got upset but as you told them, you have 'classes'. Explain that when their teacher is absent from school she calls the principal and they all make arrangements for her class to be covered.
This covers any animosity from the kids about you not 'being there'.
Then tackle the BM. DH has to write her an email telling her due to changes in your 'schedule' she needs to ask at least 24 hrs in advance whether you are available or not to watch the children. He has to remind her that the kids are not your responsibility and as long as she wants to be their mother she cannot off-load them on someone else without asking first. THEN you need to have the kahunas to tell her NO until she gets with the programme. She has to ask. She has to give you a pick up time. If she turns up after xxpm the kids stay the night so they get a decent nights sleep. No more meals to take home. Have baloney sandwiches available for them to take home and save their dinner for the next day for you and DH.
I know you are doing this so the kids are safe. I know you are doing this because you like the kids and they are part of DH and your world and you accept this. But this woman (and I use the term loosely) is honestly taking advantage of you. She has to be retrained not to.