Confirmation I'm doing the right thing.
So, I'm feeling a little guilty but at the same time feel I am doing the right thing.
Starting in Fall 2012 DH and I signed SS up for soccer and he loved it. Though it seemed that BM and SMIL's true colors started to show during sports and even as going as far to tell me I did it to take time away from BM. Which in no way was true DH asked SS if he would like to try it and he said yes - mind you I was the one who signed him up as it had to be in person and DH was paying as BM was 'broke' and there was no way we were going to give her money directly not knowing if it was going to happen.
Fast forward we get through Fall Soccer, Winter Basketball and during Spring Soccer I completely gave up going to the games without DH (I would go while he was gone to send pics etc) as she was just making a complete ass of herself and it just didn't feel worth my time. She did several things such as lying to the coach saying she got YMCA coach certified so that she could be in the team picture as the assistant coach was sick, and then told SS that now he would have at least one picture of her at our house we couldn't take down (mind you no team pictures have ever been displayed in our house but she wouldn't know) among several other things. We called her out and by the end of the season she did get her certification - I told DH that if I was going to sit there and have to watch BM be able to coddle SS on the field and not really coach I was done.
We skipped Tball for the reason of hoping stuff would calm down over the summer. In the Fall SS asked me if he could do flag football, and I said I would talk to DH. DH talked to BM and told her that signing up was her responsibility and that she should have no problem since she was going to want to coach and was getting a extra CS check that month (his CS varies month to month evening out to a average of $800 a month as he is paid bi-weekly.). Turns out BM never signed him up and told him that it was my fault and I was supposed to sign him up - this turned into a PAS movement and even caused a rift between DH and I because BM was claiming that the one time she had called me to ask if we still had a book that needed to be returned to the class I said I would pay for it - the call lasted 20seconds I even showed DH on the phone records and no football was mentioned.
Since then BM has caused issues with me and told me she no longer wants me involved in anything regarding SS - mind you it's not like she will get him involved in anything other than the state mandated school requirement. DH got mad and made a comment I was the reason that SS wasn't going to play sports anymore and several other nasty things - he later apologized.
Fast forward yesterday when taking MIL to lunch we saw SS's old basketball coach who asked if he was involved this year. I responded "No he's not it's out of our control this year" and the coaching knowing BM responded back "So she just wants him to herself I guess. I hope one day he can be involved again he seemed like he had a blast".
On my way home I saw a sign for YMCA Soccer sign ups and my heart dropped I so eagerly want to tell DH to sign SS up as I know he would love it. However, from all comments made in the past part of me says if they want him to be involved they will do the research (DH relies on me to do it so it would be on BM) and it isn't worth my heartache of the drama that would occur weather I attended games or not. BM has already ruined SS spending time with DH's family without her represent by telling him that I'm going to show up and be mean mind you there is no basis behind her claims but his loyalty is understandable to BM.
I guess I just need confirmation that I am doing the right thing by keeping my mouth shut. I know DH won't look into sports, and I doubt BM will as she would have to pay after insisting she will coach if SS plays again. I know SS would enjoy it but I know it's no longer my problem based on comments from both DH and BM.
I think you are doing the
I think you are doing the right thing. Seems you just get blamed for crap when you get involved so let the parents deal with it (or not, as the case may be) but it's on them.
DH apologized for the
DH apologized for the football comment once I showed him the length of the call and ended up trying to at least stand up to me telling SS that he though BM had paid but it was then to late. I really think DH regrets his comments as they were made during a crucial and stressful time when I had pretty much had a plan to move out while he was gone due to many issues that have sense been resolved.
I have always tried to let them handle things but like I said DH had asked me to do the signing up for sports etc as all registration had to be in person and mainly fell when he was offshore.
Thank you for agreeing I guess I just feel conflicted about not even saying anything as I know it is not worth my stress but I feel bad for SS - when he is with us we get him involved with other kids, when he is with BM she does nothing and has him sit in the house with either herself or his grandmother.
Mention it if you want to but
Mention it if you want to but the rest is on his parents. Don't let them put you in the middle.
Ugh. I feel for you. It's
Ugh. I feel for you. It's soooo wrong that you can't do what is right!
There's no reason you can't mention the soccer sign-ups in passing to your husband. So long as you can accept he might not do anything about it. Remember, he's never been the one to notice these things (think gifts for you - do you hint and be disappointed or come out and say what you'd like?) It's not a bad thing for you to help him to see these things.
The very sad truth is that as long as BM is trying to screw you by screwing her son, there's no way that your efforts will be appreciated - so, step back, and gently nudge your husband from time to time, fully accepting your role will not been acknowledged. You can hold your head high, knowing you still helped but did not let it affect your day.
In probably the last 6 months
In probably the last 6 months I have completely backed off. There was a lot I did before that I no longer do both inside and outside of the household. This was one of the reasons I think DH attacked saying I was one of the reason he wasn't playing, as I washed my hands and told him football was his fault for putting it on BM if he really wanted him to play.
I even skipped Thanksgiving with DH's family because I knew I would be left in charge of SS (It was on the property DH also deer hunts so I pretty much knew he'd eat then want to go hunt) and wasn't going to play that game especially not with SMIL there who has her own opinion on how I handle things, though she dealt with teenage SK that really just didn't care about her or there stepfather she hand no handle in anything. If something isn't actually in our house I don't have anything to do with it really, I mean I wrote the check for SS's yearbook but I write all checks DH filled out the form.
One of the joys of working out of town is not really hearing town gossip anymore. Like I said I ran into his old coach yesterday but that is MIL's new supervisor at work and I had to pass him walking and walking out there was no avoiding it. I'm sure BM has spread a decent amount about me but only reason I go into town is if I forget something on my way home as most of my errands are even done in surrounding towns on my way home.
I do really like the idea of taking him to DH when he says something and walking away almost completely removing myself from the situation even with SS.
But even if you all sign him
But even if you all sign him up - Mom is under no obligation to take the kid on her time. I'll be honest - I'd be ticked as all hell if my kids' SM/Dad signed them up for activities on my time and expected me to take them or that they would (effectively impinging on my access time with my kids).
DH and BM had talked about
DH and BM had talked about the sports issue and she was actually very excited at first. We even told the coaches that we could only be responsible for when DH was home, and BM proved this as he did miss practices and games. We never tried to impose it on her, hence even when football was mentioned I went to DH and DH mentioned it BM. When she made the comment about us taking away her time, SHE had chosen to take him to that practice and made a comment to SMIL that she could be at home as it was a little chilly out and SMIL is the one who first made the comment giving BM ammunition to play the victim even though it was all her choice and she had been involved in even the initial discussion.
DH doesn't let BM into our household but has always even asked when he could only get a doctor's appointment on her time if that would be okay or if he needed to try to get a later time falling on his. He is home a limited amount and values his time with SS and respects SS's time with BM. He only even calls maybe every other night or so to talk to SS when BM calls multiple times a day during DH's limited time.