If I have to chose between feeding my kids or feeding my SO, my kids come first. Emergency situation yes the kids come first but other then that I believe the relationship comes first and not just in step situationa but every relationship dynamic. I tell my SO one day the kids will be grown and have their own lives and families and come to visit on holidays and Sundays so in the end it will be just us two,so it is important to keep our relationship strong, healthy and functional.

These are a few ways DH put me first:

DH and I make decisions as a couple and inform the kids about our decisions later. They get to talk about their feelings about our decisions, but they do not get to be involved in the decision making process. BM always insisted that the children came first (and that's why she is single now I guess). She consults them not just about small things like "what's for dinner?" but also about the big things like moving, housing, vacations, and even how they feel about her dating (they said they didn't want her too, lol) as if they are partners and not children.

DH previously had a shared parenting schedule that worked when he was single but became a huge hassle when he and I married. It wasn't really the kids' fault, but the few days on, few days off and shared responsibilities in school pick ups and drop offs was a bunch of BS and it meant BM was constantly in contact with him. Multiple times a day even. He went to EOWE so we could enjoy our lives together as a new couple with minimal interference from BM. Well, relatively speaking. She is still queen of TMI and can't go more than 4 days without some kind of contact, but better than before.

One time we were on a romantic weekend getaway and BM called him in hysterics. SS fell off of his skateboard and got a bruise. A bruise. She took him to the ER and expected DH to stop what we were doing, come back into town and sit with SS in the ER. No freaking way. He spoke with ss on the phone "I'm so sorry you are hurt, I love you, send me pics of the x-ray". But he did not drop our plans for a non-emergency (even though it seemed like the end of the world to BM).

Similar story with SD except that she was throwing one of her tantrums that only manifest themselves when she is with her mom. BM took her to the ER. For a tantrum. DH refused to even participate in that level of nonsense and ignored all calls from BM while we took a drive in the mountains.

I think it is very situational...

Ladys example is right on the money. But let me take it the other direction.

Same scenario, but skid/kid, skid has been rehearsing for a play, for months, where he is the lead role. He is VERY excited. Yet they school just now schedule this play for the anniversary weekend. WWYD?

I think it's entirely situational. About the play, go out to a nice restaurant afterwards if the play won't be out for more than one day/evening. If the play is out for two or three nights go to one of the other performances.

If the child is in the ER/hospital for something, you as a parent need to be there. If your child is in the hospital with an illness, you need to be there. Regardless of what your issues with the other parent are, regardless of what the SPs issues are (we've had some posters here with very ill SKs who objected to their DHs going to the hospital as it meant they'd be near BM -this was years ago)and regardless of what else is going on. Unless, of course, there's a legal reason why you can't be near the other parent and vice versa.

Do bio parents in intact families argue over who comes first .. the kids or the spouse?

DH and I don't have any bio kids .. but we've also never dealt with "hierarchy issues" or who is supposed to come first. I suppose I'm lucky in that regard and before coming to this site, I never realized this was such a common issue.

I think it falls into place when the bio parent takes the needs and concerns of the step parent into consideration and avoids unilateral decisions. open communication is essential.

#1 Priority - your partner/wife/girlfriend.
#1 Responsibility - your children

Partners must consult eachother regarding major decisions pertaining to their own household dynamics. Kids are not to be consulted about these decisions. Kids responsibilities include shelter, food, clothing, education and medicals. Their needs are taken care of. There is a big difference in taking care of needs and wants. This is where the areas are grey in step families. Disney Dad's confuse kids wants with needs, because they want to fulfil every desire of their kids. They fail to realise that giving their kids everything they WANT, is effectively spoiling them and emotionally damaging them for adulthood.

Partners priorities are to eachother. They make all decisions and take care of eachothers wants and needs. They consider eachother and put eachother first. They are the two pillars that will hold up everything. If one of the pillars is weak, the entire thing crumbles.

Kids grow up - move out, have families or travel the world - they aren't living with us forever.

gotta say, I think my fave thing about the fact my SO and I are step parents is that we don't have a 'childless history' at all. And we got to decide whether we wanted both kids on the same weekend or to switch it (all changed now but meh). As for prioritising... we both suck at it and are still working on it. For us it depends on what it means to them vs what it means to us so a lot of the time kids win out.

My bf is the epitome of putting his son first. We want to marry, but I don't even want to live with them. They have lived together as buds and bachelors for 11 years and he gave his son partner status which might never be undone. I've got two kids also, and it just wouldn't work. I will give an example of something that's not right. He makes plans with me, then changes them because instead of it being us and our 3 kids, his son wants to bring friends, and now there isn't room in either of our cars and we would have to drive two cars over an hour away. So we change plans to accommodate the son and friends. I mean, why can't you just tell your son no, he can do something with his friends another time? At this point, I don't initiate doing anything when he has his son (50/50) so I don't see him much.

Step Parent's Bill of Rights (BOR)

To me and as a man this is a very easy thing to define and live. The marriage comes first. Period, dot. I will be involved in every decision in my home or at least consulted prior to the decision and that includes discipline of any children in my home regardless of biology.

A child's happiness will never take precedence over the health of the adult relationship that is the core of the home and family.

The wellbeing of children will be provided for but they will never be a priority above the marriage. Obviously a priority of the marriage is to raise children to viable adulthood but the priority of the marital partners is the marriage.

The StepParent Bill Of Rights raises it's head periodically on STalk and this is a good thread for it to be applied.

Step-parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.