Disengage
So it's been a while. Quick recap: married DH 5 years, together 7, has SS10 and SS13. Custody battles, impossible BM. DH had full, went to 50/50, then last November SS13 moves in with us full time, SS10 is still 50/50, but is getting ready to leave BM (we believe she's mentally ill). DH suffers psoriatic arthritis and last year diagnosed NH lymphoma, stage 1. DH fired from job over FMLA problems. SS13 suffers mental illness, we spend thousands of dollars on his therapy, education and entertainment. Both DH and SS13 have turned into sloths. I have my own kids DD11 and DS8. I basically run the house. DH knows I'm not happy. He keeps hinting he wants to talk to me, but his new job calls him into work almost daily, they woke him up, he had to log in. Then he has to go in. This happened last night as well. He's always leaving for one thing or another. DH isn't parenting SS13, and SS13 believes I'm just the stick in the mud calling all the shots in the house, and is really a battle of wills between a 13 year old, and myself with DH comfortably set as a non-opinion giving middle man. He's not necessarily wrong. DH told me not to worry about the dishes last night, they'd be taken care of. They're still in the sink this morning. Just symbolic of the situation as a whole.
Question: Since I am clearly ready to disengage, how do I do this without letting my house and the other kids go to hell? Do I just stay out of bedrooms and basement (SS13 domains), but stay on top of only the laundry we use? What about dishes? What about bathrooms? I just don't want my disengaging to negatively impact the other kids who are really in the innocent bystanders in this.
Oh, I got that.
Oh, I got that. LOL..."running the hosuehold" also involves making sure the kids are contributing, which is an extra task in itself. However, brings up a really good point. I'll just make sure the younger kids are doing their share. SS10 has really flocked to me, the family therapist said it's probably because I'm the most stable parent he has right now. They'll notice SS13 isn't contributing and get pissed at "how unfair" that is, and I'll just point out how much better off they are learning to put in their fair share.
Awesome idea!
Awesome idea!
Thank you! What an awesome
Thank you! What an awesome article! I read it twice! I will probably be in and out over the next couple days asking for ideas on specifics. For example... there's the issue of the basement. SS13 enjoys his Xbox down there, leaves his dirty socks, garbage of doritos bags, soda cans etc down there. Every month, I'm forced to clean it up as it was originally meant to be a communal play room for all the kids. At first DH and I took the Xbox away, but DH gave it back.
My next thought was to put everything in a garbage bag and hang it on SS13's bedroom door, but then I thought that's a sure way to get my dishes thrown in the trash, as he'd undoubtedly just throw the whole thing out. He doesn't care if his clothes aren't clean. He waits for anyone to approach him about anything like he's royalty. As I write this, my powder room toilet is currently back up with his shit because he's too lazy to go up an extra flight of stairs because we put a low/flow toilet in the powder room when we remodeled and made it clear no #2's in there. He punched a hole in his bedroom wall. He's pulled towel racks off the bathroom wall and leaves a mess everywhere he goes.
So here's my latest thought on the basement: Sell the TV. It was a television my ex had purchased in my name, that I eventually had to cash in my retirement to payoff. So, it is mine. I figure, if I sell the TV, there's no reason for SS13 to want to be down there with food and all his crap all the time. I have no use for it, and frankly, it's more of a burden to keep it down there causing all these problems. We have 3 other televisions in the house, so there really is no need for one. What do you think?
exactly. this is classic
exactly. this is classic disengagement. it forces the lazy or cowardly father to finally parent his own children.
We actually have a case
We actually have a case manager to avoid just this from happening. BM called CPS on us, who is in no way concerned. But that's because they see me with the kids, and not DH, he's usually at work leaving me to contend with most of this. He is trying to make an effort, but I'm having major trust issues.