stop supporting DH in fighting for custody. Do you REALLY want those kids full time in your home? I don't know, maybe I'm off target and you do want them around but at any rate, I'd just let this be your DH's prob.

Maybe you need boundaries with you and DH. At the end of the day, this is HIS fight. If you can't deal with the stress, there is no shame in that. You need to talk to him about whether or not you can be kept out of it/find more time for yourself/can he stop using you as a crutch so often... that sort of thing.

Frankly, if BM hasn't hired an attorney in four years I think the judge will see that she is simply stalling.

You need to look after you. Your husband is fighting for and focussing on his daughter. Not you. You are on the bottom of his priority list. Well scratch that. At the moment your probably not even on it.

Now I'm not saying that to be harsh. It seems this is just the reality when these men are trying to win their kids. Whether its custody or trying to make grown adult usually daughters to "like" them.

You made the fatal mistake I and a lot of others on this site made. You encouraged him to fight for custody. I encouraged my husband to contact his adult children. In lived to regret it. As seemingly have you, In my case my husband then spent the next 8 years trying to make her like him. He said nothing when she isolated, ignored and humiliated me. He defended her, he blamed me, we fought relentlessly over this woman. Two years ago she had a child, we went into the hospital to see her, as I handed her a gift she turned her head away and stared at the mattress. Two weeks later her boyfriend told DH that his daughter would not allow him to see the baby unless he left me. Long story and more drama ensued but it finished up with me banning her from my home two years ago.

I was a complete mess, emotionally exhausted and suffering from lung infection after lung infection. I had no choice but to tell her to go and DH to go with her. DH stayed but then his daughter involved his 87 year old father. Now DH has no relationship with anyone in his family. He rings his father who is now 89 every few weeks for a minute or two but his father barely speaks to him and never calls him. DH is in counselling and on anti depressants. It is a mess

The only way I survived this mess was to withdraw from it. Someway, somehow you will have to find a way to do that. Perhaps counselling may help you and your husband come to an end date to this, a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe even setting a limit on how much you can both realistically spend on legal fees, and once that amount is reached, he stops fighting. But to be honest, as long as you keep supporting him this will continue.

I don't think you guys are fighting BM for custody. I think you are in reality fighting her father, your ss grandfather and he will never give up. Your husband may need to consider that.

Doesn't matter if daddy was disbarred he and people he knows know their way around the courtroom. I said before I felt you were fighting the grandparents not her. It appears from your last post that I was correct. I would stop focussing on BM if I were you, your losing sight of your true foe, the grandparents. BM may not have the brains, money or even the inclination to fight for this child. Clearly the grandparents will fight for him and it would appear they do have the ability, the money and the inclination. If you DH gets custody, they will more than likely lose their grandchild forever. They are not going to take that chance.

take advice from the majority of women that are responding to your post. I too, pushed my husband for years and we have been together 14 now and we have lost so much money and had to sit back and watch BM prosper while we have lost everything. No matter what you think you have over her, she will chew you up in court and spit you back out. ...and for what? The kids will eventually blame you and will treat you like shit as they get older. Your marriage will suffer because of this.
The best thing you can do is pay the CS, medical ect...and enjoy your every other weekend visits with them and don't get too close...because they will eventually break your heart if you do!

It sounds like there is no balance .. that your "marriage" is consumed with a custody battle over kids that aren't even yours. No wonder you feel some resentment.

You have to make your marriage a priority. You may get some backlash on this since you are the one who inspired him to fight in the first place, but with no balance, there is no marriage anyway.

Listen to the advice of others .. is it really worth it to fight this out with BM and her parents for years and years? It's already been 4 years .. how many more are you willing to give?

Sadly, I am going through the same thing right now. But, I've been with FDH for 9 years and it is just going to court NOW! I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but so far, for me, it's only gotten worse. Now FDH is going for custody :sick: Something tells me this is only the beginning.

Good Triangle, I am glad you have reached a decision to lose no more. It is fine to be emotionally supportive of your husband, you are supposed to e there for him when it hurts. You are not supposed to support him in destroying the marriage, in taking an emotional toll on you, or in destroying the family financially.

Dh lost all his retirement money fighting the ex in court. Not to mention his daughters who took him to court for cars, cells, and fancy colleges. On top of the child support he willingly paid. Now I worry that the youngest goon will drag him into court to pay for grad school. What s the point if my rambling. You will never get out of court with people who have found a means to hurt you, and once you are engaged in court, it is hopeless to think you can engage in a relationship. Dh's daughters chose court over their father. It is very hard to recover from that. But their father would do it in a heart beat. My door is shut forever. But it is sooo not the money nor the aggravation. You will only get adults who side with their mother in the end, and you will never make up the money lost, not to mention the energy.