I picked up my stepdaughter at daycare and dropped her off with a friend for a playdate (they live just down the road). My husband will be home in about an hour, expecting me to be there with SD and dinner ready on the table. I can't explain how I feel. It's like I woke up, things that were okay with me before now seem really skewed. So I'm going to send him this email, stay at my friends for a few days and see what happens. My friend thinks I'm crazy for making a scene, as she put it, because she says my husband is wealthy and we have a happy life and I'm lucky. But lately his behavior has seemed controlling and I don't like his anger. I guess I never gave him a reason to be mad at me before so I never saw it. I just let him deal with his exwife and didn't know what was going on until I helped SD make her a MOther's Day gift and I guess that made BM realize that yes I do exist and since then it's been hard and I've found out that DH and BM are in contact all day long, every day. My husband refuses to even acknowledge that how I feel is real.

What do you think of this email? I couldn't have written it without you! I spent the day at the library reading all your replies and finding ways to include them in my email to DH. The hard part is that I have just you on this website and my one friend to support me. I haven't told my mom or my sisters anything, they will say that I'm throwing away a good life because I'm jealous of BM. I don't know how to make them understand what I'm going through!

Dear DH,

The last few weeks have been very difficult for both of us and I am glad that we have been able to deal with it in a way that isn't hard pm SD. She had a great day at daycare today and was excited to have a playdate with her friend. As I mentioned in my voicemail, I'm going to spend a few days with __ to think things over. We both need space right now. I understand that you're concerned about BM, it is very scary for her and that's why I extended my help to her. She responded in such a rude way and you refused to call her on it. This is not jealousy as you keep trying to tell me and this isn't because I'm young. I have a right to a husband who puts me first especially when I have been nothing but loving and supporting to your child. You have even said that I'm raising SD not BM. You have even told me that I am the mother you've always wanted for SD. I love her, you know I do. But I cannot continue to put you and SD before myself when my gut tells me that something wrong is happening between you and BM. Before you tell me that you're not having an affair with her I will tell you that you don't have to have sex to have an affair. You are her emotional support and that's not right. You should be my emotional support and she should find other people in her life to do that for her. The only thing you and BM need to figure out together is how to make sure SD has a good life and considering that SD is with you and me 24-28 days a month, there's no need for much contact with BM at all. I don't understand why I should put my life on hold because BM is going through cancer treatment. I love you and I believe in the vows I said to you before our families and before God but I won't be bullied into living a life I did not sign up for. You and I have always agreed that we will adopt, that it's just a matter of time. Then all of a sudden you change your mind and say that you will never adopt, that SD is enough for you and she should be for me too.

The way I see it, you have a choice. You can begin the steps for adoption, and I mean start the process this week. You have all the info I researched for you. You can write your ex an email cc'ing me, telling her that we are here for her if she needs extra support with SD during her treatment. You will tell her that she needs to find other emotional support, that you are my husband and it's not appropriate for you to continue that role with her. I'm going to get a job and SD will go into daycare at the place she loves with her friends. You and I will find a marriage counselor to help us through this. These things are not negotiable. If you can move forward on them, I will come home. If not, I'm going to find my own place and start divorce proceedings. You remind me all the time how "young" I am as if that means that I don't know what I'm doing. Well what I am asking for is not unreasonable, not matter how many times you tell me that. I do know what I'm doing and I know what I deserve. The fact that I am young makes me even more sure that I deserve a good life with someone who respects me and wants me to be happy. I have plenty of time to find that person if it turns out not to be you. It would break my heart because I love you so much, but I will leave. It's up to you.

love,
AA