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Ex-wife a problem after 32 years

ziggyhi's picture

Submitted by ziggyhi on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 2:50pm

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General Discussion

Shortly after I retired, my husband of 28 years (we have been together for 31 years) moved to another state where the cost of living was less expensive and close (30 minutes away) to one of the children of our blended family (his younest daughter, aged 36 who is married and has 2 young boys, all of whom we love very much and are very attached to). The BM (husband's 2nd wife, a lesbian) lives close-by in a town about 15 miles away from us. Up until we moved here, we had little, if any contact with the BM. My husband's 2 older children from his first marriage live in the state where we just moved from, my 2 children from my first marriage live in other states. Since moving here the BM has become more and more invloved in our life. The SD is very close to her BM so for us it has become a package deal. This woman is very controlling and narcissistic, every gathering becomes about her. She makes disparaging remarks to me about me when others are not around. She has now glomed onto my husband's children from his first marriage and now has them calling her Mom, and their grandchildren calling her grandma; this woman had very little, if any contact with these 2 children prior to our move, but DH and I were very close to them. When our out of state children come to visit, this woman feels she should be included in any gatherings when they are. So, does her daughter/my SD. My husband has finally had enough and said so to the SD and sent a letter to the BM. Now, of course, the SD is very hurt and disappointed. Has anyone every experienced anything like this and how did you handle it? Would appreciate some wisdom.

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 5:43pm

in reference to other blogs about BMs! Honestly this woman must have a very empty life. You show up and all of a sudden she has to get involved when she never was before? Honestly doctors should study this behavior. When you host the out of town kids, make your plans and let them initiate getting together with BM2 somewhere else. Tell us more--did she have any role in raising these kids? Does your SD have fantasies of being "one big happy family" again?
BM2 is a prime idiot. If she really wanted to be part of things, insulting you and forcing her way in isn't the way to do it. It's like she sees you being successful with DH's kids and she wants to jump on the bandwagon (and push you off)
Honestly, I have seen so much of this psycho behavior on the part of mid life women lately.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 10:26pm

Everyone is an adult.

Weigh the consequences of telling everyone that you won't appear if she invited. If the consequences are too great then bite your tongue. What other choice is there?

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

ziggyhi's picture

Submitted by ziggyhi on Fri, 07/31/2009 - 6:44pm

If these adult SS and SD want to visit with their former SM they can do so, just not in my home. There is no reason why I or my DH should allow the former SM to be in our home.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 07/31/2009 - 7:17pm

and extricate yourself from close proximity to her manipulative crape.

We have avoided living anywhere near my SS's BioDad and SpermGrandMa due to the manipulative crap they pull. So far we have avoided living any closer than 1000 miles from them since we married. We only lived that close to them the first 4 mos we were married. We are currently more than 3000 miles from them and will not move closer until my SS turns 18 next year.

If I was your DH I would let the infringing XW know that his non joint children are off limits to her and she is not welcome at any functions that include his non-joint children. Of course she can participate in any activities that their joint child invites her to.

In the future have all family gatherings at your home rather than your SDs home and control the guest list. When the non-joint kids are in town exclude the infracting BM.

Manage it. If the SD whose mother it is chooses not to participate in your family gatherings with children not belonging to the infringing BM then it is the SDs loss.

Hang in there.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)