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Givens and non-negotiables - IMHO

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 03/24/2023 - 12:54pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

GIVEN:

  • Kids are and will be kids of whatever age they are.
  • There are standards of behavior that apply for children of any age.
  • Get them the help and support they need. Hold them accountable for complying with that help.
  • Provide for their basic care, feeding, nurturing, health and safety.
  • The well behaved ones are an incredible blessing. The not so well behaved ones...    *nea*
  • An X is irrelevant even if one or more people in the current adult relationship has spawned with an X or not. The X(s) follow the CO or they suffer.
  • The mates are each other's top priority. Period. Dot.
  • Kids are the joint top responsibility for the adults in the family. Kids are not the priority.
  • Etc???

NON-NEGOTIABLES

  • Kids are accountable for compliance with standards of behavior and performence.
  • Apply age appropriate reward and age appropriate consequences based on their choices and performance.
  • While the influences of kid experiences, conditions, syndroms of the moment, family situations (failed or otherwise),  may be significant, the why of their choices is irrelevant in comparison to the what of those choices.
  • Toxic behaviors return abject misery. Barring any mitigating events or factors. Adults decide what is a mitigating event/factor.
  • Pleasantness of interface from others in the home/family and an existance of reasonable comfort and enjoyment are earned not a right. Be nasty, feel the consequences.
  • Kids, Xs, etc...  make stupid decisons, they experience stupid consequences.
  • Adults in a relationship are equity life partners and equity parents to any children in their home/family.  Regardless of who spawned the kids in their relationship.
  • ETC???

Mominit's picture

Submitted by Mominit on Fri, 03/24/2023 - 1:29pm

I would say that pleasantness of interface and respect for others is an expectation.  That interaction can be lost with poor choices and have to be earned back.  But the degree of the response (by the adults) needs to be appropriate.

Too many adults get one mouthy day from a kid, or one slammed door and use it as an excuse to go nuclear.  Kids can have bad days too.  So we cut them the same slack we'd expect.  But until it becomes blatant, or a pattern of choices/carelessness, I would suggest that even children deserve kindess, politeness and respect in their homes at all times.

I'd LIKE to see a NON-NEGOTIABLE that people do not swear or cuss AT others in the home.  In our home it's no swearing, no cussing at all.  Not by children and not by adults.  It's just not done.  But at a minimum I think people should never use such hostile language directed at others in their home.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 03/24/2023 - 7:42pm

Respectful interface is a non negotiable. From everyone towards everyone else.   Adults own that example. Kids  who violate that... welcome to a state of abject misery until trust is earned back.

Cursing is not presented nor tolerated.

A mouthy day in our parent's home was a risky proposition. Not tolerated, and came with some extended duration consequences.  Never cursing at mom and dad, nor they at us.  That would have been a near fatal move on the part of me or my brothers.  Nor did we curse at our son, nor at each other.

 Being angry or upset is fine. Being beligerant and disrespectful toward an adult in the home.... nope. Nor at anyone else in the home.  Slamming doors.... never. PERIOD DOT!  Just the thought of slamming a door when I was a kid.... makes me shudder even now, the better part of 5 decades later.