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giving up my fight

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 8:33am

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General Discussion

Quick background (its in my other posts so don't want everyone to have to read it over again) - SD11 was with us full time since she was 5 (and 50/50 before that) due to BM's drug use. BM came back into her life this past summer, supposedly clean, and SD has not wanted to leave her. SD decided she wants to live with BM now and hasn't stayed with us in 7 months and rarely even comes over during the day anymore. Family and friends were getting on me about it as if there was something I could do (I made my feelings on it known - I don't agree with it, I think she is better off here, but at the end of the day I have no say).

Anyway, I spoke to my mom yesterday and she asked what was going on with SD. I told her that DH and BM have agreed SD will stay with BM. I let DH know I think SD is better off with us, but this is what they have decided and there is nothing else I can do. I can't decide where someone else's child is going to live. I can only raise my own kids.

So as of now, I have given up my fight to get SD back. Someone here told me "you can't care more than the parents" and I feel that so much right now. Thank you all for the advice. I just hope SD will be ok.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 8:55am

That was my fear, that BM will keep her until she messes her up so bad that she can't handle her anymore and then she will come back and be a complete train wreck. Dash 1

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 9:10am

This will probably happen...

I am so sorry, I feel for you. It must be very difficult to wrap your mind around your husband allowing this.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 9:18am

Do you want to play yo yo with SD.  She used you for a time then goes back to BM.  I personally could not do this., you taking care of her, then goes to BM and it’s like you don’t exists. You have to face the fact that you will never exist for SD. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 9:27am

I think she's afraid if she leaves, something will happen with BM. I don't know. Her head is all messed up over BM. Yup it's like we don't exist and we didn't RAISE HER by ourselves for the last 6 years of her life. It's definitely a slap in the face. I can get over it though. My main concern is my BD, she misses her like crazy and doesn't understand why she never sees her anymore. It's really sad.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 10:51am

Don't take it personally, she's a confused little girl. Wouldn't be surprised if BM was doing some alienating as well. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 10:57am

That's a definite possibility. BM has caused a lot of problems in the past so I'm sure she has a lot to do with this.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 9:29am

The best thing you did in this situation is "let it go". You can't control what your H does with his child. Whatever transpires with SD while she's with her mother is entirely between them and if sh!t hits the fan your H will have to deal with it and the consequences. I just hope BM has really turned herself around and that SD decides to spend quality time with you all.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 9:29am

Yes, I am realizing that. No matter what I say or think, at the end of the day it is up to DH and BM where SD lives. I hope she starts spending more time with him as well, even if she doesn't live here she can at least come over on the weekends. It's hard to accept but I am working on it.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 1:26pm

Good - let it go.  You cannot change it, but be there for your husband without too much anger.  Learn to say "I am sorry" and "the situation is really bad, I know" and that's all I can do too.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 2:24pm

I'm working on it. It sucks because I know she's so much better off here but it's like talking to a wall. I guess I will just have to sit back and see what happens. It's not so much anger that I have toward DH, but just complete lack of understanding and loss of respect. I kind of feel like he has abandoned her. Yes, this is her choice but she's 11 years old and everyone who knows us knows her being with BM is a mistake. It's hard to watch.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Fri, 05/03/2019 - 6:35pm

In steplife, you learn to play the long game. So good on you for practicing acceptance, and now you need to focus on what's next.

Don't allow SD to come and go willy nilly. Don't allow her to move back once she's an out of control teen and BM doesn't want to deal with her anymore, don't allow any adult kids or adult skids to move back in, and don't get sucked into supporting or raising the kids your SD is sure to pop out. Discuss these things with your H at appropriate times, and make sure you're on the same page because the train wreck will happen.