To go or not to go...that is the question
So, we have trial for custody set up at the end of this month. BM wants full custody, and so does DH. BM is nasty, nasty, nasty. But, in a final feeble attempt to look like she's making an effort, she left a voicemail with DH that she's throwing SS a birthday party with his friends from school, 4 days after the trial date. So, she's invited him, because SS REALLY wants DH to go, as well as DD. XH and I have agreed that we do not want DD or DS around BM because of her past meltdowns in front of them...but this party is going to be in public, and XH wouldn't leave her there if he did bring her (it's his weekend). I'm still uneasy that it's 4 days after trial, we could still be in the middle of it, or it could be over. But at the same time, I feel like we should be able to come together and rise above it for the sake of SS.
So, should DH and/or I and/or DD participate in this?
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it seems from what ive read
it seems from what ive read here that separate parties are often the best unless both parents are cordial and on good terms.
if you are in a custody battle, no way are you on good terms.
id probably decline and have your DH tell his son that he will have a separate family party for him on his own weekend.
Great advice! Thanks!
Great advice! Thanks!
SS comes back with DH
SS comes back with DH tonight, and I'm sure he'll press DH for an answer. I've already told him it'd probably be best to tell him we made other plans for the Holiday, but we'll throw him a separate party with the neighbors on his actual birthday when we have him.
Well, it is a Holiday
Well, it is a Holiday weekend, so it'd be easy enough to say we all have other plans that weekend.
Thanks, this is fantastic
Thanks, this is fantastic advice. Her outbursts, and inappropriateness with the kids is already a massive part of our case, and we have plenty of documentation of it all. Now our concern lies where it should: on SS. Obviously if we tell her b/c of her we aren't going in his best interests, she'll turn it around on DH, and use it against him with SS. "Daddy doesn't want to come because he has some kind of problem with me! See? He doesn't really want me coming to therapy with you..." that would totally backfire in terms of SS, and there's no way to prove that she says stuff like that, but we know it goes on.
I think conveniently being away is the best possible solution to this one. We can still use the fact that her claiming co-parenting on this one is laughable, considering she went and made all the arrangements without consulting DH first.
Why can't you just tell SS
Why can't you just tell SS you'll "try to make it"? Then wait til after court to say something came up and you can't make it.
Because we won't try. I
Because we won't try. I wouldn't want to get his hopes up about it. "Try to make it" with a kid will still be really disappointing if we don't go. We just won't go. She made plans for this party without DH's input, and then asked him to participate after she had made the plans. That's not his fault that we have prior obligations.
In all fairness, her last
In all fairness, her last meltdown in front of my kids was 4 years ago, because I've been very good at keeping this boundary. SS and DD are in the same grade in the same school, so it is impossible to bar her from the school completely, based on bad behavior from 4 years ago. XH and I are pretty good about communicating, and are well aware of what we are getting into. At this point, we still pretty much agree to not send her to this one anyway.
Yeah, not making this clear.
Yeah, not making this clear. We are not sending her to the party. She has not had a meltdown in front of the kids, because the kids have not been around her. Curbside pickups only, that kind of thing. They do occasionally see her at school, but there's nothing I can do about that, beyond informing the principal that I do not want this woman coming near my kids, and he is well aware of the situation, and there's never a circumstance where she'd be able to meltdown in front of them, without the school removing her from the premises and getting a restraining order that way.
My point was that, I think we're feeling more lax, because the incident that caused this rule happened 4 years ago, and we're getting forgetful, but I just need to remember she cycles just like with every thing else.
So, no, this is not a boundary we're breaking.
AH! No, no, no, no, no, no
AH!
No, no, no, no, no, no NO!!!!
*guh*
Are you effing kidding me!?!?
PolyMom, I've been through this sh*t, If you go to this party, you are giving ammunition to the enemy. Let's say, you go to this party. You are offered a beer. You take beer. You drink beer.
Flash forward 4 days later and BM's lawyer is accusing you of being a full-blown alcoholic!
You see what I mean? Don't do it!