HELP!!!
Hi everyone, I am in dire need of some advice and some help with my current situation. I have been with my partner for 2 years and he has an 8 year old son who I hate so much that I physically can't spend time around him without ending up furious and in the worst and most awful mood. I know, I sound like the wicked step-mother, but I just don't know what to do anymore.
The kid is one of the most annoying and attention seeking children ive ever met, and he has the most disgusting attitude, which my partner just seems to ignore and/or think is funny?! Whereas I do not think it's funny at all. He spends his whole time at our house making nasty comments, or saying violent threats, and my boyf just ignores it like it's nothing bad. He purposely does stupid stupid things for attention, runs around making awful noises, singing songs he knows will annoy me for 20 minutes straight without stopping, or just shouting the same words or phrases over and over and over until I tell him to stop (because my boyfriend NEVER tells him to stop.) I know that all of it is for attention, he's gone to school and told his teachers-on separate occasions- that both his mum and dad hit him at home (which neither of them do at ALL) and if he's with us, he acts like his mum is the devil, but as soon as he goes back to his mum's, he makes up stories about us to her about us. His mother is a whole different story, she's an absolute nightmare with a similarly rude and disrespectful attitude towards everyone and she's a huge strain on our relationship because of it. I have OCD which my boyfriend is well aware of, and it's really quite bad and affects my life quite a lot, my boyfriend knows that the kids behaviour and things he does makes my OCD really bad but he does NOTHING about it. There's always drinks spilled all over the house (which the kid does because he is so careless and doesn't give a damn about our home and respecting it), he goes to the toilet and gets wee all over the floor, and he sits at the dinner table burping and farting as loudly as he can just for extra attention. It's physically disgusting and even worse due to having OCD. But I avoid this kid like the plague, when he comes round on his designated days I always find an excuse to be out of the house for hours and hours until he goes home. My boyf has started to notice this recently, and keeps asking me to spend a day with them, or do something with them, but honestly I don't think I can bring myself to. Everything he does makes me angry, everything he says annoys the hell out of me, and I can't spent more than 5 minutes in the kid's company without wanting to scream. Now for a bit of backstory, I LOVE children, I am a teacher in a primary school, I have nephews that are my world, and I have always wanted my own babies. But I get scared even talking with my boyfriend about having babies in the future because I literally do NOT want this child to be a brother to my kids. I've tried beinging up my concerns with my boyfriend in a nice way, I've tried having a LOT of conversations about this, I've told him how he makes me feel and that I don't think his behaviour is normal, but my boyfriend won't listen or even try to see it from my point of view. He thinks his son is an angel sent from above who is the sweetest, kindest boy in the world, but I see a very different child without the rose-tinted glasses on. I just don't know what to do anymore, I often consider leaving him, but I also love and adore my boyfriend so much that the thought of it reduces me to tears, so I opt to just wait and wait and see if it gets better and it never does. Please, please if you have any help or advice it would be so so so appreciated!!
I know you care for this guy.
I know you care for this guy.. but he is not being a good father or being a good partner to you. You have given this a fair shot.. 2 years.. you were hoping it would get better.. it hasn't. It won't get better when/if you marry or have kids.. it will get worse. Imagine raising your children around a kid who will be sucking the life out of every room.. stealing any spotlight from yours?
Sure.. I suppose that your BF could have realized by now that his kid has issues.. that his EX would have settled down.. but realistically.. none of that is happening..nor will it. If you stay.. you are just burning up years of your own fertility.. and missing opportunities to find the right partner/situation for yourself. Steplife is hard.. and there just doesn't seem to be a way around the fact that your hate his child.. can't stand being around him... that doesn't sound like a fun future.. it all sounds like a lot of work.. shoving that square peg in a round hole.. drama.. mental stress. I think you will ultimately be happier in a different dynamic.
The problem isn't the boy, it
The problem isn't the boy, it's your bf... Think on that for as long as it takes to realize that the kid is the product (and the victim) of his upbringing.
What, exactly, do you love
What, exactly, do you love about your BF? Do you love that he doesn't listen to your concerns about his child? Do you love that he dismisses your training and experience as a teacher of young children? Do you love that he also dismisses your need for calm? Do you love that he doesn't and won't discipline his child?
It sounds like this boy might have some issues that need medical intervention, but your BF is the bigger problem. Spend some time reading here and see your future. This doesn't get better. In fact it gets worse. If your BF won't have a loving conversation with you about this and won't attempt to see things from your point of view, there is no hope of change here.
And that's not what love looks like.
It sounds like you're in the
It sounds like you're in the wrong relationship. The kid might be a PITA, but your boyfriend is the problem. He's raising an unlikeable child and neglecting YOUR needs. This isn't going to get better, because your BF refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem with his parenting and thus, his child. Sometimes love isn't enough. In your situation, I'd move on and find someone who put me first and cared about my needs and desires.
To make the right decision
To make the right decision for yourself. Ask yourself can you see yourself spending 10+ more years with this child exactly as he is or possibly worse. Because it's not going to get better.
Another option...
Maybe you could try to move out but still be together? Would that work at all? I mean before talking about nothing at all.
Unfortunately it is going to come to a breaking point where one or both of the parents have to face this behaviour. I just hope nobody gets hurt while they leave him to his own devices. It may sound super drastic but the essentials to this is that the child is in control not the adults and therefore anything could happen!
The kid is 8
SS is not going anywhere. He is not leaving. your SO is not going to change. Only you can leave. How are you going to or want to live like this.
Time to move to new adventures
This sounds like a really
This sounds like a really difficult situation. It sounds like you know in your heart that it's not working. I know it's so hard and painful to walk away, but it will feel like a weight is being lifted off your shoulders. If you know for sure you want to have children, this man is not going to be the one for you. His son is never going to go anywhere, and he will be a permanent fixture in your life for the rest of your life, as well as your children's lives. Don't bet on the potential of what this child or your boyfriend could become. Look at the situation as it is right now and really think if you can accept it for the rest of your life if it doesn't change (because it likely won't). If you're this miserable now, it would be even more miserable if you have a child with this man and then you'd have a permanent connection to him and his child forever. You can make a clean break at this point. Don't forget about yourself here. Your happiness matters. You matter. Please take care!!