Help, please: Need advice on separating finances
My husband is a teacher and doesn’t work in the summer.
I work 45-50 hours a week, and literally half of my paycheck goes to BM every week. I am really starting to resent that, especially because my husband and his kids (SD18, SD15, SS12) lie around all day and do almost nothing, leaving me to do 90% of the housework when I get home at night and on weekends.
I was already annoyed this morning when I got a text from DH that he is taking SD15 out to lunch again today (been going on every Wed. for weeks, and not a cheap lunch, either) after he picks her up from art class.
I had asked him to avoid going to lunch because we have a lot of bills coming due in the next week. He texted back that this is the only time he sees her (that is true; she chooses not to come to visitation anymore).
He just bought SD18 an expensive video game two days ago. She refuses to get even a very part-time summer job.
I never had children of my own and, frankly, I am tired of paying for other peoples’ reproductive choices.
I want to separate my finances from his and deposit my salary in my own account (that I have yet to set up). Obviously, I will handle my own car payment/insurance/gas/student loan payment, etc., but how do I divide up all the household bills?
After reading what I have written here, and given how I feel inside, I’m not sure I shouldn’t be separating something else.
DH and I split our bills
DH and I split our bills based on income. Our total monthly income is $XX, my share of that is 65%. We have divided up the bills so that I pay about 65% of household expenses. We also each contribute a set % of our income into savings each month (auto-deductions from our checks make this easier).
We don't have joint accounts, so I just pay the specific bills that get me there. For example, I pay the mortgage, cell phone, and car insurance; he pays the electric bill, cable, internet, etc.
I would suggest, if you think your DH will not make his payments, that you give him less vital bills. You don't want to get evicted/foreclosed on because he can't make his payments. But you could live without cable/TV for a few months if need be.
I can imagine that his current lack of income will make this a difficult transition for you guys. But I agree, if he's not being responsible, you should split the finances.
My husband is not paid all
My husband is not paid all that well, actually, given his level of education. He does have fantastic benefits, though (think nearly free health care, which I use a lot), so that factors into his decision to be employed where he is.
He actually does make more than me on a yearly basis, and he really doesn't spend outrageously on his kids. Summers are hard, because we're living off my income and what we saved of his during the year.
I guess it just burns my ass that, during the summer (and this is our first summer married), half of my paycheck goes to BM because she got banged in the 1990s. I know that is crude, but that is how I feel. If I wanted to pay for kids, I would have had kids.
He needs to set up a savings
He needs to set up a savings plan to save up that CS money throughout the year. He has potentially 8-9 months of income to save up 3-4 months of child support payments.
So if CS is $600/month .. that's $1800 (3 months) he needs to save over the course of the year. Assuming he gets about 2 paychecks per month, that equates to about $100/paycheck. That seems pretty doable to me, and I think it would reduce your frustration/resentment during the summer months.
Yes, it would. That is great
Yes, it would. That is great advice. That is a discussion we are going to have, and soon.
God, I almost swooned when I saw you had wrote, "So if CS is $600/month..." What a beautiful dream! Multiply that by about 2.5 and you'll have the real figure.
I figured your number would
I figured your number would be much higher if it's half of your pay .. but I was just using that as an example.
I realize that. Just had one
I realize that.
Just had one of those "I wish" moments. Your advice is great; thanks so much!
There is NO WAY on God's
There is NO WAY on God's green Earth I would EVER pay my dh's CS...even if it meant they had to live in a shelter or under a bridge! I would quit my job before I'd ever see a penny of MY hard earned money go to two ingrates! And ESPECIALLY if my dh was sitting back and NOT even trying to pay it himself! (I feel very strongly about this topic...can you tell?! LOL)
I did NOT marry my DH to pay for HIS past fuck up getting with a manipulative whore who breeds like a rabbit!
I REALLY feel for you LTD!
It means a lot that you
It means a lot that you understand how I feel.
I don't mean to come across as uncaring; I buy the kids special food and little things I know they like, but I feel that's the end of my responsibility for them.
Their mother has a master's degree in a well-paying field and chooses to work only part time. Her CS payments enable her to live like that. She has plenty of time and income to take art classes, dance lessons, and shit like that-all I do is work.
When DH has a paycheck coming in, it bothers me less, but it really hurts to see my weekly salary deposit on one line and her weekly extraction right above it when I look at our bank account online.
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel!
My DH pays 920.00 a month for ONE kid. Plus he has to carry skid & bm on his insurance, and there is nothing in the Divorce Decree that says she has to be kicked off for remarriage etc. she can be on MY husband's insurance until DH no longer pays CS for skid or if his insurance goes up significantly and she decides she doesnt want to pay the difference, to the extent of my knowledge. BM has been remarried for almost a year now, and how lucky, HER husband doesnt have to have her on his insurance but MY husband does.
Why do you have to pay for his CS? Do they take it out of your check automatically? I would refuse, and if he went into default OH WELL! Guess ya shouldn't have had babies that you can't pay for!
OMG, I'm so sorry you all
:jawdrop: OMG, I'm so sorry you all have to keep her on your insurance. That absolutely sucks out loud!!
And I work for a company
And I work for a company where we only pay 32.00 a WEEK for a family plan and 2.00 for dental! But of course since he HAS to cover her DH can't come on my plan because he has to have coverage to cover her ass at his place of employment! And if my dh added my son and me to his plan at his small company he would barely get a paycheck and I can't add skid or bm because they don't live with me and not my kid or ex so of course my company won't do it.
I hate blended family bs!!!!!
My SO's standard of living is
My SO's standard of living is so much better because we have my income too. I bet a lot of you are like that. I get pissed when he wants to do Disney dad shopping every other weekend for his kids when I cannot afford what I used to get my own kids before I met him.
That's how it is with us.
That's how it is with us.
Our household is much better off now that DH has remarried and has another breadwinner to help him.
And I really don't mind bringing in income that stays in our household, even if some of it (a lot of it, really) inevitably supports his kids.
I do mind paying BM to work 20 hours a week and take enrichment classes that I would enjoy taking, if I had the time or money.
Exactly! BM gets her damn
Exactly!
BM gets her damn money for her kid so when DH gets the leftovers they should stay and be in OUR household! She got what she is CO'd to receive from DH! And it burns my ass that these BMs just live the life they want because someone else is footing their bills, but then women like you and I are working our asses off to help pay bills and support our households because our DH's can barely get by without our support/finances. I don't mind working and helping pay bills BUT not so he has to pay some baby breeder to pretty much spend most of the day drinking and doing whatever the fuck she wants and collecting CS from various sources and leeching off the Govt while we barely get by financially!
Must be nice to be a POS BM these days...having an ex pay their bills and so they can keep up with the Jones' while they go without and their families have to work even harder because of it!
GRRRR....HATE THIS SHIT!!!!
Personally, today, I have
Personally, today, I have rented out my home. I am going to live somewhere else. And if SO wants to come , he is going to have to pay half expenses. From today, I am saying no more bs. Clean slate.
this is the only time he sees
this is the only time he sees her (that is true; she chooses not to come to visitation anymore).
That is her choice. I know he wants to see his daughter but it doesn't mean he has to reward her with expensive lunches because she chooses not to visit.
Our finances have always been separate. All of the bills come out of my account; I just tell DH what he owes me every month and he deposits that amount into my checking account. I do pay more since I make more. Child support is over, thank God!
Your DH does need to take summers into account and save throughout the rest of the year, just like any seasonal employee would have to do. You should not have to pick up that slack.
If he is not paid all that well (and BM has a Master's which equals earning potential), how is his CS so high?
EXACTLY!!! My dh's son has
EXACTLY!!!
My dh's son has been blowing dh off for months now and when dh calls him out on it and says he needs to be prepared to come for his mid week visit bm has the nerve to tell skid that he needs to go and that maybe dh will do something special with him!!! REALLY?
Clearly this kid doesn't give a fuck to see his father yet he should be "rewarded" for coming on his scheduled visits with his FATHER?!
And we wonder why skids have SERIOUS entitlement issues! :? :sick:
"If he is not paid all that
"If he is not paid all that well (and BM has a Master's which equals earning potential), how is his CS so high?"
I wonder the exact same thing. Apparently, when they got divorced more than 10 years ago, BM wasn't working at all and DH was. The judge decreed that he must pay her, but the case didn't progress to the point where an amount was ordered. Instead, they settled their visitation and child support arrangements out of court.
SO, DH IS NOT COURT-ORDERED TO PAY HER WHAT HE PAYS. He and BM just agreed on a weekly amount (which has been upped a couple times since the divorce, most recently two years ago). In my opinion, that was a big mistake.
Since the divorce, BM completed her degree and now has significant earning potential, which she chooses not to exercise.
DH and BM legally share custody of these kids, so I don't understand why either of them has to pay any support to the other.
I admit that I don't understand how the system works, though. Maybe the male parent is automatically required to pay the female, who knows. Or maybe my husband is getting hosed and refuses to see it.
I mean no offense to you but
I mean no offense to you but your DH is a COMPLETE FOOL! He is not co'd to pay what he pays yet he pays it AND in the summer YOU are the one footing his cs payments?!
THAT IS BEYOND FUCKED UP!!!!! My ass is burning for you!
I am not offended at all I
I am not offended at all
I know my husband is a sucker for these kids and their whoring mother. I've told him he's nuts.
He really believes that, if she takes him to court for an official support order, he will have to pay her more than he does now.
I don't see how that can possibly happen, given the current circumstances, but the man is so traumatized by just the thought of being dragged into court, he'll do anything to avoid it.
Wow...just wow! If I were
Wow...just wow!
If I were you, I would be doing some research on my own with a lawyer or two to see what his chances are for paying her less....
Oh, HELL NO! When you say it
Oh, HELL NO!
When you say it has been upped a couple of times, you mean by them just agreeing? There is no court ordered amount at all? He's getting hosed (he's hosing himself, actually).
Yes, that is correct. I only
Yes, that is correct.
I only just learned the true nature of their "arrangement" a few months ago. I had assumed that there was some kind of court order, yes.
Turns out there isn't one now, and there has never been one.
I have tried to have this discussion with my husband, but he is convinced he would have to pay her more if it went to court.
What is the deal with CS, anyway? Is it based on the financial need of the custodial parent, or is it a percentage of the non-custodial parent's income.
How would they even determine "custodial" status, when they share custody?
It is determined in our state
It is determined in our state by:
set amout it takes to raise a kid = b
combine parents income. take fathers income & divide by total. Whatever that % is that's the % of the "yearly amount to raise child" he owes.
Then they do an adjustment for the days of the year that SD is here. If it's 50/50 custody sometimes neither parent pays - & if she makes a lot more she may even have to pay him.
It would be less if he went to court. He's being a lazy idiot and I would refuse to pay the money when he wasn't working. Cancel the payments. Immediately.
What she said! ^^^ CANCEL
What she said! ^^^
CANCEL THOSE PAYMENTS...ASAP!
Not your kids, NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
Please stop enabling this man by paying for HIS fuck up!!!!
You can do it! We are rooting for you girl!!!
BM will freak out
BM will freak out and....what? Take him to court?
Let her. }:)
I think that would be great!
I think that would be great!
My only fear is that he would then owe her a shitload of back support that we'd have to come up with all at once.
Nope. Just bring bank
Nope. Just bring bank statements showing that you paid support to date via a mutual agreement. Save any emails talking about agreement.
CANCEL THE PAYMENTS SOON PLEASE. You are allowing her to control your household with an amount that is unfair. DH makes more than BM, but not by much & we only have SD 35% of the time. We pay less than 400 a month. & he makes a decent living.
double... wait triple post
double... wait triple post wth. Lol
triple post..
triple post..
quadrupal that. this is a
quadrupal that. this is a hill to die on hon. time for a come to Jesus talk.
My Mom is a teacher and what
My Mom is a teacher and what she does thru the school year is part of her regular paychecks are held out so that in the summer months she still gets a partial payday, is that something your husband could do?
I work at a school so I know
I work at a school so I know how the pay schedule works (luckily for me, I am year-round). I also know PLENTY of teachers who take PT jobs or temp FT jobs during the summer. It just makes sense.
Don't pay for your DH's CS. YOU didn't stick your dick in and make those kids. The worst that will happen is he will have bad credit from getting behind in support. And some banks don't even LOOK at that when considering whether or not to give a loan.
I don't agree with guys who get behind in CS for no good reason (my son's dad still owes $13K+ and my son is 23) but I also don't agree with people who decide they can take three months off without doing a damn thing and let their wife carry their load. I can't even believe there are guys like this. My dad would have NEVER done that. My grandfathers would have NEVER done that.
I agree, it is sickening that
I agree, it is sickening that men like this are out there!
I love my dh very much, but there is NO.WAY.IN.HELL. I would EVER pay for HIS kid! EVER! Even if I liked the kid and bm I STILL wouldn't pay one red cent for that kid!
If my ex didn't pay CS I wouldn't EXPECT my dh to pay for my kid. I know my dh would help me but that would be HIS choice! I am my own person and I would NEVER pay for a kid that wasn't mine because my dh CHOSE to be a lazy pos and sit back and take advantage of me! NO WAY JOSE!
My only fear is that he would
My only fear is that he would then owe her a shitload of back support that we'd have to come up with all at once.
Oh, geez. Don't tell me he doesn't get receipts or memo the checks with "child support" or something showing the payments are CS?
Actually, he just has her set
Actually, he just has her set up as an automatic bank transfer every Friday. I just went in and looked at the recurring transaction, and it does not indicate what it is for.
Is that important? You're talking to a person who knows nothing about divorce/custody/family court/child support/the whole corrupt industry that supports this shit.
Very important. Everything he
Very important. Everything he has given her (without noting that it is CS) can be considered a gift.
Have you seen the original court order? I would go over it and see exactly what it says.
And you are right, the whole system is corrupt.
Oh. My. God. Are you serious?
Oh. My. God. Are you serious? A gift? Oh. My. God.
There is no original court order. They agreed on a CS payment outside of court. He is not court-ordered to pay her what he's paying. He believes that, if she took him to court, she would be awarded more than he is currently giving her.
I don't know what to do. I am totally lost here. I don't know if I can continue in this marriage indefinitely.
I think I just need to open my own bank accounts and save all I can, for myself.
You do understand that even
You do understand that even with him continuing the payments she could at any time get upset & take him to court & say he hasn't been paying & go for back support? FYI. You're best to get this settled ASAP.
The judge decreed that he
The judge decreed that he must pay her
There is nothing in the divorce decree about CS? Even if it doesn't state an amount, is there anything about it at all?
It is weird that a judge would just say he must pay her but not address it in the decree. Have you seen it?
I skimmed through the divorce
I skimmed through the divorce decree once, looking for something else. If there is anything in there specifying an amount, it would have been much less than what he pays now.
At the time of the divorce, DH was self-employed in the technology field and his business had been hit hard by the downturn in the economy after 9/11.
Also, BM had no career at all then, and she has since earned her master's and should be making damn good money, if she had any work ethic.
I can't remember seeing anything about child support in his divorce decree, but I wasn't looking for it, and there's so much legal jargon that I think my eyes glazed over.
But there is definitely no order specifying the exorbitant amount he pays her now, that I do know.
I'm going to find that divorce decree tonight...update tomorrow.
My blood is boiling. Living,
My blood is boiling. Living, this man is using you.
I'm a teacher. On the last day of school, I walked out of that building with six pay stubs. When I worked in NC, I had the option of being for 12 months instead of 10. That way I would have an income during the summer.
Unless he's teaching in a low budget private school, he should be getting paid for the summer.
If they have had the set up for the last 10 years, and you'vr only been married a year, what did he do the other nine years?
STOP PAYING HIS CS!!!
He can't afford to take the summer off. His name should have been first on the list to teach summer school.
I'm so angry for you right now I could spit.
Don't be angry for me. I am
Don't be angry for me. I am not a victim.
I am a monument to my own foolishness.
can they come back and order
can they come back and order back-support? i thought child support didn't start accruing until the order was made. i'd risk it anyway to take the power away from bm and have everything documented. surely to God they'd recognize all those transfers. and then i'd kick dh's ass and make him get a second job to pay it. but yes, look through those docs and let us know.
UPDATE: I read the actual
UPDATE: I read the actual decree, and it orders DH to pay the Kraken only $100 per week.
He voluntarily (yes, he's nuts), outside of court, agreed to give her $150 a week instead. This was ten years ago.
He pays nearly three times that amount now, but there is no updated court order specifying that. The original court order specified $100 per week.
How did he make the summer
How did he make the summer payment prior to meeting you?
That is a good question. My
That is a good question.
My impression is that he ate mostly rice and beans. I know that he frequently skipped meals for himself-his kids told me that.
When I met him, most of his clothes were little more than rags, and not appropriate even for the business casual dress code at his school.
He also drove an incredibly rusty, unreliable 1992 vehicle that he since had to replace.
Change the automatic payment
Change the automatic payment to 100 bucks a week. Tell DH. If BM wants more, she can go to court.
Goddamn, I like this idea. I
Goddamn, I like this idea.
I am sorely tempted to do this today and tell my husband tonight.
I think she will be awarded much less than she currently gets if that happens.
And she knows it. Why else hasn't she dragged him his ass into court? It's not to be nice.
I think even if the courts
I think even if the courts make it the same amount you will feel better about the situation than just them decided. It'll be set in stone & she will have to go to court to raise it instead of just deciding to. Also, make him change to a different payment schedule at school to where he gets checks in the summer & have them take child support out of his check automatically. That way you never feel like it's coming out of your pocket & if you want you are free to separate finances.
Hope this helps. I would talk to him about changing the payments before doing it, so he doesn't think you're sneaking around trying to cause trouble. Then if he gets huffy, tell him fine - idc - but I'm not paying it out of my check.
This is good advice. Thank
This is good advice. Thank you!
Go to AllLaw.com and look up
Go to AllLaw.com and look up the CS calculator for the state the order is in. Chances are, it would not go way up like he thinks and would probably go DOWN.
I would also want to get it locked in just in case she goes batshit and decides to try to screw him for some flimsy reason.