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How Kids Handle Separation

Russell1981's picture

My two youngest SDs recently left the house and basically disowned their mother and me. My wife and I had a rough go of it at first, but once those two were out of the house and the emotions faded our lives have become much happier and less stressful.

I have been through this three times with my four SDs. 

I have spoken about it in the disengage forum, but in this post, I wanted to inquire about half-siblings.

I am actually a little worried about my 11-year-old son. I have two 11-year-old boys, but one is adopted and he started living with us when he was 4. My firstborn was born within 3 years his oldest left and has nothing to do with him and now the two youngest with whom he grew up for 10 years left and have nothing to do with him. No birthday calls, no merry Christmas, just crickets. 

My youngest SD was a pill and I found out after she left that she mistreated him when she was left in charge to babysit. I have always felt that she had an issue with him even being born because he took her spot as the baby. 

My second youngest absolutely bothers him. He has got a lot of anger toward her and feels deceived. My one SD that maintains a good relationship with us was speaking to him over facetime and he escalated it into an argument. She joked with him that she wasn't going to visit him and he straight up looked at her and said "Good I won't want you or any of your sisters visiting me because you are all liars!"

I grabbed the phone from him and spoke to my SD who was in tears. She asked me why he hates her and I told her that he doesn't, but that he is trying to process some things right now because he doesn't understand why three of your sisters have nothing to do with him. 

My son gets great marks in school. He is one of the more popular kids in school and has a huge heart. Every teacher he has had from K - 5 has made a point to tell me how happy they are to have him in their class. He wins multiple awards for behavior and is extremely athletic. He has a lot going for him, but I am a little concerned with his reaction. 

This is a step-parent forum but out of curiosity how did your stepkids get along with their half-siblings? When there was a separation from the SK how did the other siblings handle it?

Rags's picture

half-sibs by two other baby mamas.

For the most part they got along well for the 16+ years my son (former SS who asked me to adopt him when he was 22) was on his long distance visitations with the SpermClan.  The CO visitation schedule was for ~7wks per year. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).  The issue was not the half sibs, the issue was the PASing manipulative control freak SpermGrandHag from hell who would invariably harp on how it was not fair that our son had nice things, lived in a nice home, took nice vacations, unlike the three younger sibs.  Blessedly, even her vitriolic crap did not poison the 4 kids against each other.  Of course the waste of skin Spermidiot was no help in all of this but unlike his Hag mother, he pretty much was a non influence on the kids' relationship with each other.

Due to the Hag's constant toxic manipulation my son has very little to do with anyone in his SpermClan and hasn't had more than rare short  intermittent interface with any of them since aging out from under the CO on his 18th birthday.  Though on the rare occassion they do see each other, the kids all get along fine just like they always did during the CO years.

SS has grown an armor around himself with all of 'them'.  The kids break his heart, he can't stand his Spermidiot and he to this day struggles with reconciling his young child love, adoration, and care for the Hag with the reality of what she truly is.

That all breaks his heart, obviously, as well as the hearts of his mom and I.

My SS is 1 of 4 babies of the Spermidiot's  multiple young mother statutory rape victims.  Kid #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind #3.  My son and his sister (#2) can't stand the Spermidiot. We raised our son to understand that love and respect are not necessarily the same thing. He has always tried to love his SpermDad but as he has grown older, SS has zero respect for his SpermDad and has nothing to do with him.  #2 detests the Spermidiot. Absolutely hates him.   #3 and #4 worship him and are actively trying to live the Spermidiot's gangbanger wannabe life.  The Dipshitiot could never join whichever of the Crips of Bloods he aspired to as the SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa look like characters out of the Andy Griffith show (Think Aunt B for the hag).  The two youngest of his children are bi-racial and sadly do not have the get out of prison free card that the Idiot has, and are welcomed as gang members.  My heart breaks for those two boys.  Living up to Daddy's gangster fantasies is ruining their lives.

The 4 sibs are distrbuted in age, 30 (mine).  ~25, ~23, ~22.

During the CO years at a peak of SpermGrandHag's shreeking about how they could not afford the CS on SS (All $110/mo then $133/mo of it) we offered to adopt the three younger ones and raise the 4 of them together. You would have thought we disparaged the SpermClan's family honor or something. Not that they have ever had any.  Other than the outstanding man my bride and I raised together.

With a long distance visitation schedule, my SS and his sibs were not raised together so the intensity of connection is not what your BKs have for the elder sisters that have abandoned them.

Rags's picture

How is your wife tracking on how her former family daughters are behaving towards their younger sibs?

shamds's picture

To reconnect with their dad. They were 13 & 23 at the time. Eldest sd repeatedly referred to us as the new family. Always disrespected me, felt she had authority over my 2 toddlers, undressed them on our 2nd outing together, fed them things that would get them really sick or giving liquified chocolate to my daughter at an engagement ceremony so she'd be covered in chocolate 

sd's continually ranted on about their mum and stepdad making them relevant to every conversation we had that had nothing to do with them. Barely 1 yr after they reconnected and me disengaging about 9 months prior, eldest sd called her dad fake tears and all guilting her dad for marrying and having kids with me. Yet her mum was cheating on their dad 1 yr before they separated and later divorced and married affair stepdad in secret whilst they were in school. Me and hubby met 4.5 yrs post divorce yet he's guilted from marrying and having kids.

my kids have asked about their half brother who lived with us when they were born. I explained you both have the same dad but not the same mummy. They asked why they haven't seen his mummy and i said that his mummy disowned him and discarded him when daddy divorced her and your brother is very angry and upset about it.

i don't sugarcoat like my inlaws. I refuse to paint sd's or biomum and stepdad as saints and not hold any to account. We have no relationship with sd's and my kids don't recognise them as sisters. They do recognise their half brother

Russell1981's picture

There is not much to track with my SDs honestly as 2 have nothing to do with us and the oldest is married with three children of her own and is starting to come back around. The 1 that has a relationship does fine with them.

My wife was always fair when it came to the kids. We both did well with that and were careful to not show any favoritism.