I can't keep my mouth shut
Disengaging from SD16, not a problem...in fact, without realizing it, I have been disengaged all along. The part I cannot, cannot, cannot get a handle on is not giving my 2 cents on how my SD treats people. When she is blantently using DH to get what she wants, as in saying she is going to stay over at our house so he will pay for a dance class...and then manipulate it so that he drives her everywhere, but never spends any more time here..I just can't seem to bite my tongue. SD and BM are master manipulators and DH is a genuinly good person. It kills me to watch him allow them to use him as a doormat. I am trying reallllly hard to fully disengage, but how do I shut up? She is also asking repeatedly to be sent on a school vacation to Europe...and we barely have the money to pay our bills...yet I know he is going to some how fully fund it while BM pays nothing. I can't take it! How do you all do it?
You say NO and do not back
You say NO and do not back down. Period. She doesn't need a European vacation at 16. And he needs to grow a pair. I've spent two years giving "a pair" back to my fiancee. It takes some ego stroking and some fire lighting under his butt. Find a purchase the book Verbal Judo. It will help both of you spot the manipulation and help him grow a pair and know it's okay to say NO.
I will check out that book,
I will check out that book, thanks!
I can't even begin to express
I can't even begin to express how much this pisses me off. I have never been to Europe. DH has never been to Europe. My parents had a hell of a lot more money than we do, and I still did not go on said vacation to Europe (offered when I was in school too). SD makes it sound as though it is a mandatory trip and EVERYONE is going. BS I say!
In our house, I control the
In our house, I control the finances. SO will not pay more than what I say we can afford, and he sure as hell is not allowed to give BM more money. If he feels bad about telling his precious daughter that he can not afford the trip, I would allow my SO to blame it on me. I am sure you don't have a great relationship with SD, so who cares.
Learn to say NO...It will
Learn to say NO...It will help her deal with real life when she gets older...Make her work for it...We all had to...If she wants it bad enough...she will appreciate it soo much more when she finally earns her way there...Not enough time this year? plan for next year...What a concept...work for it....That's what we did when we were growing up...It teaches character...life is more enjoyable when you have the satisfaction of earning your way somewhere...
If she is not willing to work for it...she doesn't want it that bad...and what a waste for you to spend your hard earned money on something that will be so unappreciated...The entitlement will just escalate from there and increase every year...as he tries to "Top the last gift"... man-made problem...
Disengaging does not
Disengaging does not necessarily mean that you should not give DH your opinion. On the contrary. Also, as they say, "timing is everything." Once your skid hurts or uses your DH, wait til his adrenaline and testosterone get back to normal, then very quietly, honestly, strategically and cleverly remind him what is going on. Let him come up with the "answers." Remember what he says and occasionally bring it back up to him. Men stew on things. THey generally get upset in the beginning, but they sure as hell do process, process, process. Learn it fast and play the game the BMs and skids have been playing since day 1. Men are highly (albeit slowly) influential. Think of yourself as Glinda the good witch counteracting the Wicked Witches of the East and North. Patience and wine or antidepressants (or exercise) in the meantime, (half kidding)!
"Likes" Oh, yeah. That works
"Likes" Oh, yeah. That works with mine...if I fly off the handle immediately, he dismisses it. If I wait a few days and approach something thoughtfully, he almost always ends up agreeing.
Took me some hard years to learn that
Oops. I meant East and West!
Oops. I meant East and West! Exactly "hard years."
I freaking love this.
I freaking love this.
"The closed mouth catches no
"The closed mouth catches no flies" - 1742 B. Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac
"If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut." - Albert Einstein
Yes, it is next year. I don't
Yes, it is next year. I don't have a problem with her going if she earns the majority of the money. But...DH is all vague about it...leading her to believe (in my opinion) that it will happen because he cannot, willnot come out and be honest with her because he cant bear to "let her down". The girl goes without nothing. She is the most indulged child. Its fucking ridiculous.
LOL!! Best reply on this
LOL!! Best reply on this thread!
To the OP: That's not something I would keep my mouth shut about, personally. The reason is, that finances are something that are your business too, therefore such a huge expense should be agreed upon between you and your DH. I, however, am of the opinion that kids should have to work to at least partially fund these kinds of things. A trip like that would be amazing at any age, for sure, but it is an educational enrichment opportunity, not something that she has to do in order to graduate.