I hate being a stepparent

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I have no biological kids, but I have twin stepkids -- girl/boy, 4 years old. I love those kids and they love me. But...

I hate being a stepparent. Aside from the kids, I just can't seem to find anything good about step-parenting. I hate being marginalized from nearly everything that affects us. I hate the lack of reciprocation, broken communication, and bitterness that being a stepparent seems to breed.

Being a stepparent is likely the loneliest thing I've ever done. It's hard to talk with my partner about these problems without it being turned into argument. There's no validation, little gratitude, and lots of grief.

Other stepparents I've met rarely have anything good to say about being stepparents, either. So how do I (we) cope with this? Is it really impossible to have a positive step-parenting experience? Is this doomed to be like this forever?

I need a drink, I think.

I'm not digging the whole

I'm not digging the whole step parent thing either. I'm just not able to embrace it, the kid, the BM or any of the drama.

Being a SM complicates things times 100% at every Damn turn. If its not the kid, it visitation, or trying to plan something.

I guess a lot depends on DH/SO, some do better than others. I was reminded today, that my SO has a horrible time saying no to his kid, and is terribly afraid of hurting SS feelings. I'm so over it I could scream.

Read and implement

Read and implement disengaging - see the link below. Explain to your husband what you are going to do first so there are now mis-understandings. Make sure he understands its not because you dislike his kids you're just not a parent.

Yes they do exist. Women who do not like being a parent. Unfortunately most of them don't find out until its too late but there is no shame in it nor in admitting it so don't let him use it against you.

If he accuses you of anyhthing tell him he's just using you as a babysitter and sex object and he can hire a maid/prostitute if he doesn't like your decision:

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Good points, but I want to

Good points, but I want to add that being a parent and being a step-parent are completely different. It's a shame, but true. I, for one, love being a parent, but hate being a step-parent and everything that goes with it.

There are days that being a

There are days that being a step parent are terrible for me, there are days that are bad as a bio parent, there are bad days at work, i guess what I am trying to say is,life deals us what it deals us, and it is up to u to deal with it or change it. Changing ut may mean disengaging, it may mean letting things roll and going with it, or it may mean leaving dh and not being a stepmom at all. I am lucky that I have dh support, but I had to fight for it, it took about 2 years to make dh "get it", but it was worth it to me, life is about choices and you need to step back and decide if it is worth it to you.

Step parenting is difficult,

Step parenting is difficult, probably the most difficult thing most have us have ever done. Who chooses that life? We do, but it is because we have much to offer and step parents are generally not selfish individuals for sure. We put ourselves last most of the time, and recognition for what we do is pretty much obsolete.

It could be because you do not yet have children of your own. Maybe you don't want any, which is fine too. You are sharing your marriage with someone else. It's never him and I. Sometimes our spouses get defensive when we bring up quirks or issues with their children. They take it as a dig against them or something. In reality, if you were talking about your own children together you would more then likely be on the same page and striving for the same results.

You have sacrificed a lot in your life for other people, it is not abnormal to think the way you do. It can get better and will. Your feelings are normal though. I use to keep a journal and it helped me a lot.

I'm a chaser, and I want

I'm a chaser, and I want people to be happy... and I'm a fixer... a rescuer... I don't need anyone to pay me back when I get them a fe groceries or hair ties or whatever skid needed at the time... I DO expect a thank you. Some gratitude. Not being taken advantage of. Lastly, I'm an overthinker, I'm certain I can figure out the logic in any conversation, vent or tantrum if I think on it lo ng enough... so...

All of the above make me the worst Step Mother ever because it's a complete and total mind suck and heart break to me, every second of every day.

It's good for them.
It destroys me.

I really wanted children but

I really wanted children but I was adamantly against ever being a stepparent. I know myself. I'd hate the little bastards.

Now it's not a blood thing as I have several adopted relatives that I could not be closer to. And some blood relatives that I have dismissed. But a skid has a mother. The stepmother will almost never be a real mother figure.

When I married I had two adult skids. One is now deceased with no great loss to the world I'm sorry to say. The other is a pathetic drunk. He just makes my skin crawl even though he loves me with all of his heart.

I honestly don't know how some of you do it with husbands who seem to want to dump all of the crap on you.

nena123 I could have written

nena123 I could have written that myself.You do everything humanly possible for them all and no one notices but as soon as you dare stop for one visit or dare go out with your friends, all hell breaks lose and you become the eil SM that hates his kids. Theres no winning, only a quiet time if you head down and bend over for them all.I do not love my skids and so all the thngs DH wants me to do, I cannot do anymore becasue I get nothing out of the deal and they arent mine, therefor no bond than other a friends child.

nena123 I could have written

I also think your feelings

I also think your feelings are normal. There are many days I hate stepparenting. We marry someone with children, but you never really know what will be until you get married and move in and start to live this life. This is a challenging role and the family dynamics are very difficult.
I think from experience when you have a difficult ex wife as my Husband has, makes things that much more difficult.
I too do not particularly like my SKIDS I do for them becasue I love my husband and they are childrena and some things they cannot do on their own. But I try my best to be cordial, kind, and loving even though I really don't have those feelings or receive them in return.
My personal experience don't lose yourself. I find that when I actually take a little time to be alone and do something I like and want to do, most things get better and don't bother me as much. Just hang in there. You had such nice things to say about your SKIDS and they love you in return which is nice...Don't be so hard on yourself and take things one day at a time.

Wow. I was going to ask why

Wow. I was going to ask why you ladies married someone with kids if you hate the kids so much. Did you know before you married what it would be like?

I do not like my step kids either. I HATE being a stepmother. I don't even think of myself as one. I am their Dads wife. I didn't even want to be a bio-mom, but this is worse. 5 years of making myself last priority (after skids, ex, and his family), with absolutely NO gratitude. Luckily for me, DH is as wonderful as he can be considering all he deals with.

Hi stina. Love the last

Hi stina. Love the last sentence of your post 'luckily for me, DH is as wonderful as he can be considering all he deals with'.

I'm partially enjoying some parts of being in a step-parent role, however it definitely is unacknowledged most if not all the time. Help is expected, my resources are used in any way they're needed, thank-you's for my time and effort are few and far between.

Your last sentence is to me the crux of how everyone in this thread feels, or is it? Of those hating their role, how many find it's worth it when balanced with the love and support of the bio parent? I am not getting that support right now (in fact a lot of bite-back on discipline or other complaint-like comments I may have), and I know if I felt we were more on the same team, I'd endure a lot more a lot more readily.

Funny thing this week, the stepgirls made a comment about my upcoming birthday. "Why would we celebrate that with you two?". It made me realize I'm more a roommate in their eyes, a provider they freeload from, but not even much of a friend. This is just weeks after I gave them Taylor Swift concert tickets as a surprise for their birthday, we took them out to a special restaurant as a treat, and allowed them to have an all-nighter sleep-over that kept us up all night, and celebrated their birthdays 2x with them...

Anyways, not venting so much as hypothesizing what I'm learning, which is that WITH the right support it is obviously a lot more worthwhile feeling to be a step-parent. Without it, as the OP said, it's lonely, unrewarding, difficult, and more.

So, who's feeling supported and still hating the role? Curious!

I know how you feel, my FSS4

I know how you feel, my FSS4 is a great kid and we get along great however I'm still on the fence about having children because I so enjoy not having that responsibility so it gets on my nerves sometimes that I have to pretty much plan my weekends around a child that I have no emotional attatchment to, BUT I love my fiance and I accept that he has a son.

I'm brutally honest with FDH though and so that helps so much with resentment. If I need time alone he's more than happy to give it to me without any guilt trip involved. This site has helped me SO much though because before i was afraid to be honest about my feelings and I was bending over backwards to try to win FSS affection and show everyone that I love him because I thought that's what I was SUPPOSED to do and then i realized that doing all those things would make me hate the situation.

Be strong girl. ::hugs:: mssg if you ever need to talk.

I enjoy being maternal, but

I enjoy being maternal, but due to some factors that aren't worth going into, I'm not able to have children of my own. I had the privilege of knowing my step-kids as babies, but I can't say that I was a part of their daily existence until they had just turned two. They don't seem to remember a time before I lived with their father and they have a strong bond with me. I don't encourage them to call me 'mom' but it's obvious that they want to and they find many different ways to get around that.

We share 50/50 custody with their BM. BM is, unfortunately, living up to the stereotypical crazy that many of us vent about on this site. Though my complaints with her are valid, numerous, and at times maddening, there's only so much I can do about it.

Since this site is designed for us to vent, I am venting that:
I cannot be a mother,
my love for my step-kids is sometimes a boon and sometimes a curse,
my contribution to important decisions involving the kids (and therefore us) is inconsistent (recently it was involving a potential move),
validation of problems and gratitude for contribution are never in full supply,
and I wish I could find someone in my life that I could confide with about step-parenting besides my therapist.

What does one do when one actually loves the kids and they in turn love you? What if one couldn't have children and this is the closest thing to a family one could have? I try to make the best of it; some days it seems great, other days it's so sad that I can't help but cry for hours.

It's become better with time but their BM has begun to trash-talk me openly around them and it's resulted in some difficult questions/comments when they are with us. "Why doesn't mama like you?", "Mama says you're not our real mom. Why can't you be our other mom?," "Do you like our mama?" "If you and Papa live with Mama, I bet she would like you more!" It's very difficult to bite my tongue, but I'm always surprised that I've been able to keep my opinion of her to myself.

Truth is, she hates me. She hates that the kids love me. She hates that her ex-husband is happy with me. She loves to hate, though. Her life never seems complete unless their is some crisis around that paints her as the victim, though she's rarely a victim. I can't help but worry that she's passing this onto the kids. But there's only so much I can do about it and I am still learning to let go.

Thanks for the responses and letting me vent.

I feel the same way. Do your

I feel the same way. Do your step-children love you? Mine did when she was younger, but now she can't stand me. There's really no other reason other than that I am her step-mom. She has angst against her mom, too, because she is almost a teen, but at least she loves her mom unconditionally.

I think in any situation,

I think in any situation, when you give and give and give and get no appreciation, no recognition, nothing in return, you start to feel very lonely and resentful and bitter. Unfortunately, this is very common in step-situations. I have no kids of my own either and am finding it extremely difficult being thrown into a parenting role- I am expected to do everything for SD but I get nothing in return. I have to sit back and watch DH have parent/child moments with SD that I do not have. SD really likes me, but it’s not like I’m her mother. She has a mother, and that is not me. It can be very, very lonely having her around and it not being about DH and I but about her.. and she’s not my kid. Being a stepparent sucks!

How do I deal with it? Well, when SD is around (which is 50% of the time), I spend as little time at home as possible. I go out to happy hours after work with friends, I go visit my good friend who lives 2 hours away and will even stay the night there, I visit with my mom, I go to the gym, I will even work late to avoid being at home with them. The less time I spend around SD, the more happy I seem to be. Unfortunately, sometimes I just don’t feel like working out or drinking and I just want to go home after work and relax and that can’t happen when SD is around.

I am completely thankful for

I am completely thankful for your post! I am new to this site, and so thankful for all the straight up comments and stuff you guys are saying! When you said, its lonely, I about fell off my chair! Seems like I'm the only person in the world who HATES half of my weekends! It's lonely because we feel like we are babysitting and they are just thankful to be with their kids. Omg! You are not alone!

It is the most awful 'role' I

It is the most awful 'role' I have ever done. When the SKs give nothing, they are just black holes of take, sucking in all the energy of the family, the home, and you.

I was thinking about this the other day. Even objectively, I cannot pinpoint one slightest good aspect of being a step parent in my situation. I can't name anything positive about the experience whatsoever. Not one conversation, not one day, not one feeling, not one reciprocated drop of care, not one moment of closeness, not one second of gratitude, not one minute of respect. Nothing. The worst thing I have ever experienced.

I have had some good moments

I have had some good moments being a SM, but I have to say I have not had so many. I always tell people the best way to describe how it feels being a SP is to imagine being a parent with all of the bad stuff, but little to none of the good stuff. That is about as close as I can get. You have to deal with spills and tears and rebellion, etc., but you get very little, if any, kisses or thanks or B-day cards and so on. Then, on your SK's wedding day, they'll make sure they have no assigned seating for you anywhere, sit your husband of many years with BM, 86 'ya from any pictures, and then ask if you can help the church ladies clean everything up after, without even batting an eye. Now that! is what it means to be a SM in a nutshell.

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I hate being a stepparent