I Quit Because It's Too Hard
Was the reason why my SS is no longer employed.
He had a part time (with eventual full time) employment with a company that ships stuff. As is typical in those companies, you start as a truck loader and work your way up. Less than a month into it, working 4 hrs a night, he says it's too hard, and some of the boxes are heavy. Did I mention he's almost 19? So, not like he's 12, or 72.... He also whined that they run his area like they're in boot camp. Oh honey, my first DH was in the military and you have no idea whatsoever about what "boot camp" was really like. You wouldn't even make it 4 hrs before turning into a puddle of pee in the military, so don't even go there.
And other SK19 has yet to even LOOK for a job. Both graduated this past May.
Typically I'd just shrug my shoulders and move on. HOWEVER, we are about 4 weeks away from the period of time when DH files to STOP CS. DH has been all about it in the last few months, doing his own research, downloading the forms, etc.
Now? He's hesitating, because he doesn't want to take away their (ahem -- BM's) only means of support if they're not employed.
Seriously, DH?
I can't believe the mentality. Sorry, I just can't. I would have thought that by watching their dad work 40+ hrs a week all these years (17 years he's been paying CS) they'd have a little bit of work ethic instilled in them. But I guess that was canceled out by BM's LACK of working all these years and just sucking off everyone else (literally...)
Just when we thought we'd get more ahead than we are now... and could really start tucking the money away into our retirement accounts, this happens.
GAH!!!!!!!!!!
He doesn't live here, nor
He doesn't live here, nor does his brother. Thankfully. Neither of them seem too motivated to find/maintain gainful employment, and know DH was starting the process to stop CS (the age in this state is 19).
DH and I have already gone thru the whole "they want to live here because they don't like their mom" thing a couple of months ago and I told him sorry.... couldn't do it and he'd have to live with them elsewhere. DH said honestly he didn't want them living here either (I blogged about this fiasco, but quick background - early on DH thought that in order to make things right with the SS's, he had to throw the rest of us under the bus. Didn't require SK's to be the least bit respectful of me/my kids for many years. Now, he realizes he created monsters by doing that, and also realizes they also disregard him as a father and blow him off at any turn).
DH is just feeling the guilts because he wants to stop CS, but doesn't want to "rob" his kids of anything. SK's are very vocal about how BM doesn't spend the majority of the CS on them, but on herself. She doesn't work, and DH is afraid that if he stops CS and the SK's aren't working and unable to pay their own way with BM, she'll kick them out.
I, on the other hand, figure life is full of hard knocks. They've both made a choice to NOT pursue/maintain employment, that's their problems. They are physically able to work, just choose not to. They're old enough to understand that actions sometimes have consequences.
That's called enabling and
That's called enabling and it's a vicious cycle. SS won't figure it out because he knows that Daddy Crutch is right there with somewhere soft for him to land. If he's not in school, he needs to work.
My SD23 is the same way, has
My SD23 is the same way, has watched her dad work hard all of these years but she sits on her ass collecting welfare. DH is on her constantly to apply for jobs but she'd rather listen to her loser mother and follow her footsteps (which has been to work just enough and certainly not if someone else is supporting her ass). Shameful. DH is very frustrated with her.
But, she doesn't live with us and never will so...... She just better hope nothing ever happens to BM or she finds a man to take care of her. BM, herself, is on husband #5 and SD has already been married and divorced once.
What I don't understand, is why your DH would encourage this behavior by continuing to pay child support.
Because he's afraid if he
Because he's afraid if he stops paying support, BM will kick SS's out on the street. And honestly I wouldn't put it past her. She's even admitted her "gravy train" (her exact words) is coming to an end.
Then he would have to get a
Then he would have to get a job. Tell your DH to tell his son, "See how that works? You don't want to be homeless, you get (and keep) a job."
The guilt never ends does it?
The guilt never ends does it? Chef told me he would be happy to pay CS till the day he dies. Problem is, he can't afford to support himself because he purposely overpays the BM!
What the HELL is WRONG with these so-called "men?"
I certainly do not understand
I certainly do not understand that. DH loves his daughter but he was not going to pay BM any longer than he had to. As soon as SD's marriage certificate was available online, down to CSE and the courthouse we went.
Wouldn't you just love to go
Wouldn't you just love to go undercover as a potential employer of a lazy skid? I know certain legal regulations limit what a previous employer can say about an ex-employee, but boy would I love to do that for OSS who hasn't yet achieved rock stardom but instead is making smoothies (unhygienic no doubt) on a food truck.
Yes! Especially when the
Yes! Especially when the excuse for quitting is "it's too hard"
This was an enormous company (you've all seen their brown trucks) and although everyone starts on the bottom of the pile, it's a pretty lucrative place to work once you've put your time in. Benefits, tuition reimbursement, etc.
Apparently SS didn't want to work hard, break a sweat, or possibly strain a muscle.
Can I *SNORTY* at that? SS is
Can I *SNORTY* at that?
SS is 19, healthy, lives at home, no obligations. But it was too hard to work 4 hrs a night loading boxes. SMDH.
That is EXACTLY how I
That is EXACTLY how I feel!
I have 2 kids -- one is 14 and one is 17. Around here, jobs are next to impossible to come by if you're not 18. DD17 wants so badly to work, she wants to start gaining her own financial independence. DS14 also wants to work - but it'll have to be mostly summers since he's in sports from Sept - Mar. But DS14 has said the same thing about financial independence (as much as one can have as a teenager).
Neither of my SK's were ever required to do ANYTHING while growing up -- they have no clue about basic life skills, let alone actually holding down a job. I personally thought my one SS was extremely lucky (with the help of connections) to get his foot in the door at the place he *was* working at. But he blew it. The other SS, he probably doesn't even know how to fill out an application.
I could tell my DH was pretty disappointed when SS told him he quit his job. And then about an hour later is when the talk of postponing submission of the paperwork to cease CS started. Ugh.
DH knows how I feel about this. Not only do I support my own children, I also contribute the majority financially to this household due to my income being much higher than DH's even before his CS is taken out. So yes, you are correct that continuing to pay CS takes away from us. Up to this point I've accepted it because it was DH's obligation to pay, but not after next month. I consider the obligation fulfilled -- he's paid on time every week since 1999. He's paid 100% of medical bills, 100% of extracurriculars (they were both in sports), and if you think about it because BM doesn't work, he paid 100% of their living expenses.
Where I live the father is
Where I live the father is ordered to pay cs until the kid is 23 but only if that kid is in college. I would not expect my EX to fund a lazy adult with no ambition and neither should you.
They don't care if they watch
They don't care if they watch dad work, they see mom sit on her ass and dad sends her money so why shouldn't he do the same for them? :sick:
I don't understand this, if
I don't understand this, if he wants to continue to support his kids (lets ignore the fact that they should be getting a wage and supporting themselves for a moment) then surely it is still a good idea to cancel CS and stop paying BM and start paying the money directly to the kids themselves so that they can start to learn how to manage their money and so that you know the money is going to them. If their mother decides to start charging them rent then they can pay her out of the money from dad.
If he pays the money directly to the kids he also is in complete control and can reduce the amount when they get work or stop paying if he doesn't have the money or actually finally wakes up and realizes that they need to get themselves a job. Perhaps he could give them each the equivalent of half of CS for 2 months then reduce that amount by $25 or $50 each a month over 6 months or so. That way it encourages them to get work and he still feels like he is supporting them and not putting BM into immediate financial difficulty. I know it isn't ideal and he should just stop it altogether and BM should sort her own shit out but something like this might be a good compromise and ensure that dad doesn't end up supporting them indefinitely.
Sorry, I had to bristle a
Sorry, I had to bristle a little bit (ok, a LOT) at your statement about supporting the SK's and not putting BM into immediate financial difficulty. Tough shit about BM-- she's never worked a day since those kids were conceived. Not our problem that she has depended on CS to be HER INCOME for the last 17 years. Not my problem that she's lived large and now she's not going to have an income... did she think DH was going to pay her forever?
As far as the SK's go, we have talked about giving them money directly. But.... isn't that enabling them also? They have had almost five months to look for/maintain jobs. They haven't. At what point in time do they get the "life sucks" lessons?