Lies, lies, lies, yeah
Whelp, a new day an old issue. Folks, I need some advice. Or at least validation.
Its the curling iron that broke this stepparents back.
I know all kids lie, its just what is done about it - repercussions.
SD15.5 Backstabber/Munchkin took my curling iron. It wasnt there yesterday, and now its there, and she admitted to "seeing it in the drawer", but refuses to admit borrowing it. I called her out but just told her "if you need to borrow it, thats fine, just give me a heads up". She countered with "Im using my moms curling iron, I never used yours." Yeah. I did not accuse her of lying. I was careful about that, just mentioned I was looking for it yesterday, it wasnt in its drawer and now it is. And of course she glared at me like Im crazy and shes so put upon. The I just sweetly told her "your hair looks cute like that", to lighen the mood.
There have been more and more lies, and even when I call the truth out, there is no acknowledgement of the truth.
What to do. My thoughts run around in circles. Call her out, but only in front of her father, so I cannot be accused of accusing her of things, making her "afraid" or "uncomfortable". Just dont address things at all. Just dont do anything.
The other day she lied about having dinner with her mother. All I asked was is she hungry. Ok, thats fine, just let me know, give me a heads up.
Shes acting like Im this huge ogre that punishes cruelly, and shes the poor scared step child. I barely talk to her now as it is. I know this sounds strange but her sister did these weird little lies, and started believing them as truth. And because I didnt conform to her "truth", she tried pushed buttons until there was something she could accuse me of, if that makes sense. And when I didnt give hr anything to accuse me of, she made things up.
Last April SD 15.5 B/M texted me a long paragraph accusing me of harrassment. Accusing me of accusing her of things, and her mother then lashed out at DH quoting from that text. Because I hadnt responded to B/M's text and hadnt given her anything to accuse me of, she used her own accusations to create her "truth". I wonder if this is a unique tecnique.
So, back to the lies. Do I confront? Do I note to myself, move on, and just keep hyper vigilant?
SD is turning into FF. There
SD is turning into FF. There's nothing you can do. This type of behavior is a huge trigger for me but that's for another day.
Hide your curling iron now. It's sad you have to do it.
I am so sorry you are in the process of really losing SD right now. It's a painful process. The amount of investment to just be a blip on the radar.
What TT says will always be what they hold on too. Maybe when she gets older she will come around unlike her sister.
Edit: As annoying as it is let it go. Your DH will NOT understand. The most frustrating part of this life is NOT being able to say wtf we want to say. Daily struggle for me personally and my SO does NOT understand either.
Spot on
The last tme - last year in april that I tried to tell him SD15Backstabber/Munchkin could not be trusted and I did not want to be alone with her, he went ballistic and wanted a divorce and left the house (for 15 minutes)
And it was over this kind of thing - her lies and accusations and me calling them out.
Yeah, its really sad. And now Im thiking back to what I have to do to protect myself.
put a lock on your door and
put a lock on your door and don't mention it to her. no need to accuse or fight or pick on the poor little thing (barf), just lock it and put an exclamation point on it. And if Hubby asks why, tell him you did it to keep your things where you left them and you did it quietly so his child wouldn't accuse you of being mean.
Lying is one of my pet peeves
Lying is one of my pet peeves, so I'm probably the wrong person to answer this. I hate chronic liars and remove them from my life. I certainly wouldn't do anything to "lighten the mood".
It's normal for everyone to lie occasionally, it's the part about her staring daggers at you and acting like the injured party that bothers me. She obviously thinks she's entitled to go through life doing what she wants and not being challenged about it. It's a bad habit that will cause problems in her future.
But she's not your kid and obviously her parents are comfortable with her being an entitled jerk.
I would lock my stuff up.
She's treated you badly before and you got over it, at no cost to her. In fact, I'd say she was rewarded. She has no incentive to treat you well.
Her cost
Ive stopped taking her shopping and giving her transport, and no more lunches. No salon viisits. No buying for her anymore. I dont make dinners just for her that she likes, or provide food. I dont give her information.
Ive disengaged a lot. I dont know what else to do, really.
Yes, shes getting entitled and manipulative and understanding that all she has to do is stand up to me and no repercussions. Because Toxic Troll is easily manipulated into lashing out. Like her own personal attack dog. The Attack Troll.
Yes, she will lose me entirely if this continues.
I'm glad you've disengaged.
I'm glad you've disengaged. Does she miss those things?
In my case, disengaging was a reward for SD. BM didn't want me doing anything with her, so when I disengaged she got what she wanted. And since they are so enmeshed, that was a huge relief for SD.
If I tried to correct her behavior, I got shat on, so that was a reward for them too. With BM's encouragement, and no consequences from DH, she had no chance of improvement. She pressed this advantage. The only way to win was to quit any pretense of being nice or friendly. But without consequences, her behavior escalated.
Subtle is lost on the toxic.
SD-15.5 is probably incapable of recognizing the subtle consequences. Since TT is trying to play MOTY now that she has an income beyond your/DH's CS contribution to her household.
Direct, immediate, and painful consequences is what they recognize. Call her out on the lies and behaviors in real time in front of daddy. Season him so he knows he has your back when YOU decide pain is in order for SD-15.5 to learn and call her in front of daddy.
Since she hids the Golum voice in lieu of the sweet princess voice when daddy is around, record her when he is not around and do the Skid shit behavior review with him ever applicable evening. Self deluded parents are worse than ill behaved failed family progeny by far.
Just my thoughts of course.
I feel you Clove. SD lies
I feel you Clove. SD lies here too and I have a toxic BM. I have been accused of abuse and all sorts of nonsense from BM and SD.
SD and I are on a good page at the moment because DH sits down SD and really makes her aware of the repercussions on her actions. He also pointed out to her how her mother threw her under the bus by telling us what SD said to her (regarding my abuse towards SD) and how SD is now being confronted and how BM put her there. SD is old enough now to understand not to tell her mother lies. Seriously BM is so immature, and cannot have a mature conversation to save her life anyway. It's infuriating.
SD has been really good this week since then, but it's a vicious cycle. It will happen again where I'm disrespected, it always does, and DH has to pull her back in line no doubt again for the upteenth time. I understand you don't have DH to do this for you and I know how hard it must be to endure that. No wonder these SD's just follow their toxic troll mother.
If anything comes from you, it's only going to seperate you further from them, and concrete what toxic troll says about you to them. It seriously needs to come from your DH for any of the lies and enmeshment crap to ease. The fact your DH feels he can't parent her to do that, unfortunately makes them think they can treat you like that. Ugh, it's so bad and frustrating for you and sending you hugs.
((hugs back))
Sending you good vibes. Its teen years plus dysfunctin plus no parenting.
Yes, everything must come from DH. But she is careful with him. I am open season.
This is the way she is
You are not going to change anything with her. Lock your stuff up ? Not a way to live but that all you could do.
Changes
All I know is I have to do better at disengaging...
Yes, its all I can do now...
A white lie to avoid eating
A white lie to avoid eating dinner is one thing.. taking your things without permission is another and then lying about it.
My YSD was terrible about taking her mom and sisters things without permission really. She did it to me once or twice and I really laid into her. but I know in your situation you are already dealing with her feigning victim when you get tough on her.
I think a matter of fact "Well, I don't know where it was.. but if you DO ever need to borrow something.. you need to ask me.. I am almost certainly going to say yes.. but it is common courtesy.. and I don't like my things moved around.. it's frustrating when I can't find it.
There is always calm logic:
There is always calm logic: "I checked my own areas, and your father would have no need for a curling iron. Or do you think he might? (her response would be something like mumble mumble) So if you didn't take it, who do you think could have? (mumble mumble)." Of course you take the chance of cornering a wild animal that way.
DH and I laugh about the stupid lies our respective kids tried on us. "DH, somebody came into the house and stole my favorite coffee cup." He feigns shock. Eventually we find it and pretend the thief brought it back. It's good for a laugh.
B/M is on her way to being
B/M is on her way to being another version of FF, sadly. I wouldn't say anything but lock up your stuff (and/or put up a camera - so if you do call her out you have proof). But really it seems like DH doesn't want to acknowledge her lying even if you had proof. Soaybe no point - just lock up your stuff.
Yes you confront.
And you don't do it 1:1. You do it publicly.
As for the curling iron.... "Well, it was gone, I did not use it. Your dad did not use it. As you were the only other person in the house who could have both taken it, and returned it. The truth must be. You are lying. No need to lie. But now that you have lied about such a ridiculous thing, how can your dad and I trust you going forward?"
Any accusations by TT or the rapidly declining SD-15.5, just repeat the facts. Over, and over, and over and over again.
If it gets worse, .... WEBCAMS with sound so you can play the 15.5 lies clips in the evenings so daddy is up to speed.
Liars hate the facts. So keep rubbing their noses in the stench of their lies by keeping the facts front and center repeatedly.
I would.
I don't tolerate that caca.
I don't tolerate that caca. Lying means a confrontation. Continuing to lie means locking up my stuff. DH knows he can either back me up or shut up. My stuff, my monkey.
I realllly feel for you.
I realllly feel for you.
It's time to hide your personal stuff.
The list of items we had accidently broken, stolen OR thrown out by bm's kids is long. Family antique Heirlooms that can never be replaced, money, medical devices, clothing. My and our children's toys. Even decorations. Lets not talk about poop & mucus they smeared on walls. Who does that?
Accidents will happen, stuff breaks. The problem is when it ONLY happens when skid is in your home. Then is it no longer just a coincidence. It's purposeful. As we discovered in court, on record too.
Sorry this happened.
(wish your husband called her out. Mine didnt over look anything)
In my ex steplife my YSD
In my ex steplife my YSD routinely took, stole, misused, misplaced my stuff, OSD's stuff, dad's stuff. It was a long ongoing theme that repeatedly pushed me over the edge. Touching my stuff without permission is not something I am ok with, same as lying. I confronted. My ex and OSD would tell her to stop touching stuff and stop lying. She'd be mad and stop for a bit. Then it will start again.
I have no advice except I became a very angry person who fought with ex over it every damn day. I eventually left the crazy bunch. I couldn't go on. My ownDD wouldn't take people stuff let alone lie about it. So skid doing it pushed me over the edge
Confront. Lock your stuff. Tell DH to buy her her own damn things. Pray when she gets older she goes to live with her mom. Keeping your mouth shut isn't a solution though as it will make you angry and resentful of them all and it sends them all the message that you are a pushover. If your DH goes ballistic and threaten divorce over it, then I'd question if he is the right man for you. It's not ok for kids to lie like this and adults to be blamed