Looking for opinions
Hi Everybody...I was reading another post which had a lot of replies at all ends of the spectrum, and as I was reading a few questions kept popping into my mind. Let me preface these with the fact that I struggle with my feelings for my skids. I'm so thankful I found this site cuz I realize now I'm not unusual (at least for that reason)! LOL Anyway, in my situation, the kids aren't the problem, the BM is. We're dealing with PAS, and I know it's BM's fault when the skids act certain ways. So I'm not judging anybody here because I'm right there with you. We have SS13 for one more week this summer before we go to EOW, and I'm sort of dreading it. Not cuz he's a bad kid, which he isn't. I'm just more comfortable when it's just me and DH and we don't' have to deal with BM as much. That being said, here are the questions that keep nagging me.
1) I know we feel differently about skids because they're not bio's, but couldn't the same be said for adopted kids? Don't adoptive parents love their adopted kids like their own? Is there really that much difference here?
2) Are we, as step-parents, making this more difficult on ourselves by drawing that line in the sand?
I understand skids are difficult, but so are bio kids. Maybe skids have more reason to be difficult. Their worlds have been turned upside down. Just some of my thoughts. What do you all think?
IMO on this subject, some
IMO on this subject, some people are kids people and some are not. I am a kids person. I love every kid I've ever met. I do not have bios, and I'm not sure I will ever as my husband had a vasectomy nearly 10 years ago. So most likely, I'd have to adopt if I wanted children. I also was adopted by my mum and dad.
I love my skids. There is some serious PAS going on with them as well. However, they truly see how I treat them and how their mother treats them, and TBH, while they love their mom, they like the way I treat them MUCH better. They cry every time they leave us and they ask to stay, not with dad, but with lmac.
People will argue this, but there's no winning: I love my skids as much as I will ever love any of my biokids. I may have to eat my words on that one day, which I will acquiesce to...But I truly do love those kids and treat them as if they were my own.
I don't have any bios either,
I don't have any bios either, and I won't because I'm almost 49 and had a hysterectomy 5 years ago. My SD is 19 and so much damage has already been done. SS is 13 and hopefully will come to see what BM is all about. A psychologist is working with him. As I mentioned in another post, there's a DVD called "Welcome Back, Pluto: Understanding, Preventing, and Overcoming Parental Alienation" which everybody is watching. It's really excellent, geared at kids and teens, but there's also a section for parents. I highly recommend it. You can get it on Amazon.com. I hope I get to the point you're at. I've only been married for a little over a year and have known the kids for only 2-ish years, so maybe it's just going to take time. Thanks for your reply!!
"I think the difference is in
"I think the difference is in the way we are allowed to interact with the child."
^^^This is such a huge statement. It seems so obvious, but just hit me like one of those "AHA moments". You know how something has been smacking you in the face forever but it doesn't really register with you, then one day you "get it".
Our BM is in the picture, and I'm in the responsibility but no glory category. Thankfully, DH is very supportive of me and my feelings. Thank you so much for this post!
"Calgon, Take me away" Great
"Calgon, Take me away" Great name! Read your post, good questions!
just because BM is a doormat & doesn't discipline her darling 13 yr. old or 20 yr. old son doesn't mean their Disneyland/Guilty Dad (DH)and I (the stepmomster) are going to put up with that crap.
You asked what we thought, so I just want to clarify: IMHO..my thoughts only, k?
1) I grew up with 3 adopted brothers. I don't think my parents loved them any less but maybe even more than their bio kids (myself & 3 siblings) Did I feel any less loved or favored by my parents? No. I just thought I was the luckiest kid in the world to have more brothers even though they drove me crazy at times. I don't think it mattered one way or the other. I had a really dynamic mom who I lost a couple of years ago to pancreatic cancer.
2) Sometimes I think we draw the line in the sand as step parents because A) there's got to be some kind of expectation & protocol
My BIO kids are a little older & they've met the SSx2 and my kids could take or leave the situation; we don't have the blended "Brady Bunch" living arrangement.
C)The SSx3 live with BM on the opposite coast. There are certain situations that DH discusses without my input & it tends to bite him in the butt. Having just spent the last 49 days with SS13, SS18 & his best friend has taught me a lot. SS19 was supposed to fly out after his brothers left to come to school out here. Did it happen? Nope. SS19 pulled this crap last year on his dad, said he wanted to hang out with his "boys" back home one last time..
D) Because we don't get to spend a lot of time with the SKIDS but on vacation time, I made it very clear to DH that if any of his sons wished to live with us? There would definitely be boundaries and expectations.
Am I glad that the SKIDS are gone? Yes and no. They are basically good kids but DH isn't around them enough to qualify as time well spent. First time in 50 days we were actually alone! I could actually appreciate DH! In some ways my custody situation is different; but IF my SKIDS lived closer? Not sure if I'd even be married right now. And honestly? if I had any inkling that it would be so hard being a part time SM? I would have run as far and FAST away from DH. I've dated men with kids before; never got too emotionally involved with them. Then again; if my own kids were with me now? I think I'd keep things separate until mine were grown. Thank God for Step Talk!
Momster, I'm so sorry about
Momster, I'm so sorry about your mom. I have a sister who is currently fighting cancer, so I know some of what you went through. I lost my dad when I was 16, so I also know how hard it is to lose a parent...at any age. My heart really goes out to you!
There is something to be said for having distance! I don't know how I would feel if skids were here full time. On one hand, I guess I'd have some kind of parenting role, which I barely have now, which might make it easier. They're good skids, and most of the time it's just SS13 here (SD19 comes over more sporadically). I wouldn't leave, cuz I married DH for better or worse, but I think that might be worse! LOL
I guess I should keep things in perspective. It could be harder...I could have them here 24/7 and never get a break. Once school starts (even though he's home schooled, another issue) we'll have him EOW and two visits per week. It's been week on, week off over the summer. For the sake of your marriage, I hope your skids stay on the other coast!
I agree, thank God for Step Talk!! Thanks so much for your reply. I really do want to hear other views and opinions (so nice without fighting too!)
I want to thank everybody who
I want to thank everybody who replied, and also those who are going to reply for doing so. There is no right or wrong answer here, but it sure helps to see other points of view. Thank you for those...they are all valuable and open my mind a little bit more with each one!
Last year I heard a program
Last year I heard a program o NPR where they talked about how adopted children are more loved than stepchildren. Some of the reason's they gave are the fact that mostly birth parents are not involved and it becomes easier to really make them your own and that when one is a bio and one is not, there are are jealousy issues that are absent in adoptions. I'll try and find in online and see if I can post a link, but it may take a little research.
Thanks SFF! That sounds
Thanks SFF! That sounds really interesting!
Thanks for the reply! I'm
Thanks for the reply! I'm finally letting it sink in that this is how things are going to be AND that there is nothing wrong with me for feeling how I do! I do like the skids, but I'm more comfortable when they leave. BUT, I put on a happy face so they don't know it. The good thing about kids...they eventually grow up!
I think what taints the
I think what taints the relationship between SM and Skids is the crap BM's create. BM's make life so miserable so you will have a difficult time loving their child. I love my Skids and I want the best for them. Yet there is an underlying tone, set by BM for them not to feel free enough to love me back. I think it has to do with them not feeling loyal to their BM if they are free to love me too.
My Skids went back to BM's this morning and I felt relief. I feel like I am not on guard, I don't have to watch what I say,I can be myself totally.
Adopting parents don't have BM interrupting and sabotaging relationships.
I learned in a "Blended Family" class, that whatever age the child is when you enter a Skids life (example: at age 4) it will take double that to have a relationship with the child age 8.
My SS is 10 and I entered his life at age 4. We have a pretty good relationship but SD and BM are working on him to be alienated from us. Thanks so much for the DVD recommendation. I'm buying it today!!
Well we havent seen my SD
Well we havent seen my SD since July 3..and we miss her terribly... BM is so evil that she has put my SD at a no win situation..making her feel bad for loving us and you know what...as much as I miss her and want to see her..life has been very peaceful..not because of SD but because BM doesnt act like a lunatic, calling everyday screaming and yelling about nothing really...
So that said..I do miss my SD10 as we have a good relationship..but at the end of the day...I "SM" have no say in her life as she is not my own child..and BM will make her daughters life pure hell if she wants to spend any extra time with us....
Really it's in some cases the poor children that suffer and that saddens me..
Z
As far as the adopted child
As far as the adopted child topic...I think that not only is it different than the skid scenario due to the reasons already stated above (especially the lack of BM part), but the adoptive parents are probably more on the same page with parenting, whereas many of us step parents here are at odds with how the bio-parent parents (or rather doesn't parent) therefore making the relationship with skid more difficult.
In other words, adoptive mothers don't have to deal with Disney/guilty dad and PAS from BM.
I know the feeling, to be
I know the feeling, to be relieved when skids leave. I am way more relaxed. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is. BM alienates them from DH (she seems to be ok with me), so they will not open up very much with us. Today, DH had to go to court cuz, big surprise, BM wants more CS. :jawdrop: So SS13 was sitting in the family room watching tv.
Me: What are you doing?
SS: Watching tv
Me: What do you want to do?
SS: I don't know.
I went to do my nails. I didn't have the energy to drag it out of him. It's not that he behaves poorly. It's just pulling teeth to have a conversation.
So yeah, I blame BM for a lot of it. I don't know how many times a day I think..if he were my bio kid....