You are here

money question again

secondwife1234's picture

So when you get remarried couples do a pre nup for protection if you should get divorced. What do you do should you not get divorced and stay together. Just discuss what goes to you and the kids? Who is the beneficiary kids or new wife? who is the POA kids or new wife?

Waiting to be trashed for such questions, just want to know what new wives did....lol

secondwife1234's picture

i did not know , so i guess we do a new will.

tog redux's picture

In most places, he can't cut his wife out of his will, at least not entirely.  So if you are talking about NOW, while he's still married - that would not help from his standpoint.

secondwife1234's picture

i did not know , so i guess we do a new will.

Swim_Mom's picture

Very important. When one or both of the spouses has kids, in particular. We did not have time to do a thoughtful pre nup but did a full post nuptial agreement that was incorporated into trusts/wills.  This took a year to get it exactly how we wanted it. Basically the post nup explains which assets are joint vs separate, the trusts protect that and make it executable, and the wills say what goes to which kids. For example, all of our assets we entered the marriage with are our respective indivivual assets but separate financial accounts keep them that way. The equity in our home (held as deeds in our trusts) is 80% mine/20% DH's based on what we put into it. The trusts/wills dictate that 60% of each of our respective assets go to our kids to be divided (15% each for his 4, 20% each for my 3) and 40% to each other. But, the 40% portions revert back to kids upon death - for example if I predecease DH he gets 40% and my kids get 20% each; upon his death that 40% he inherited goes to my kids. Also under no circumstances will either of us be forced to sell our home (we will 100% own it mortgage free in a few years anyway). So likely it will not end up perfect but we did all we can do. I just could not fathom having any of my hard earned assets and all the work I have put into my career, benefitting his kids. And one of the biggest advantages of doing all this in advance is it will not create adversaries (or, it is less likely) among family because it will be very clear with nothing to fight about. I would not ever want to pit my kids against DH - I am formally saying in a legal agreement that they are all important to me. Finally the trusts will minimize estate taxes. 

I imagine that not everyone needs to put this kind of time into this - it is pretty easy to get a trust set up (each spouse should have separate trusts and there are templates for post nuptials.  The hard part is agreeing on how you divide everything. This is one reason I know this marriage is going to last. My ex-H and I could never have had difficult converations on finances like this. My DH and I have different styles - he was ready to throw it all in a pot and divide 7 ways - and even if I had more kids than he did, he would still feel the same. But given I have fewer kids and will likely have more assets, I would never take away from my kids to give anything to his. I just can't, and he respects that. So I would recommend you think this through and make sure it is fair to you!

secondwife1234's picture

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. Its so hard talking money. I have 2 adult children he has 3. He has much more money than I do and I do not expect him to leavemoney to my kids but I expect to be in his will and have a home that we live in even though its in his name only.

When do you do the post nup? I would think before you get married becasue that can cause a huge fight if both parties not happy.

Swim_Mom's picture

We started a pre-nup and then realized that we would rather take time to really think through a lot of "what if" situations. I trusted that we would be able to do so.  This dictates division of assets - inheritance still requires a will and highly recommend trusts. Yes it can be a hard conversation. I think in your case it sounds like you are most concerned that some portion of his estate would go to you vs all to his kids, and that is a rightful concern. If it were me, I'd definitely want to have this conversation before getting married because it says a lot about how he values his wife. I've read a few cases on this site where the husband (or wife) is perfectly ok with leaving his wife to be kicked out of the home and left with no means of support because he wants everything to go to his kids. In my opinion that speaks volumes and is literally the legal formalization of all of the day to day situations on this site about SM coming last after the Skids and the de-valuing of a second marriage.  If he loves you, he will be concerned for your well being. It is normal to want some inheritance for the kids, but it should certainly not be all and should leave you with 1) the option to stay in your home as long as you wish - no forced selling and 2) with a reasonable lifestyle - yes you are an adult and self-supporting but I know that my DH and I would like each other to maintain what we have as much as possible. 

Finally another of my two cents...if this causes a huge fight, he may not be the man for you. Any conversation involving money with my Ex-H resulted in him blowing up and refusing to talk about it. Just one of many reasons why he is my Ex. Good luck - look out for you!!

Harry's picture

If any one has major money, house, jewelry, stocks ect.  Then if you get divorce you keep what you had before you got married.   A  WILL is if you died.  How you estate is divided up.   That can be tricky if you are married. 

Livingoutloud's picture

You are really putting the carriage before the horse.
 

On one of your multiple blogs on the same topic you even asked if he should split his assets between you and his children. You are his girlfriend, not even long term, he is still  married. Why are you planning pre nups and wills right now? No, he can't take his wife out of the will and put a girlfriend in 

now obviously if you two are to marry, these things needs to be discussed but why aren't you asking him what he plans on doing? We can tell you this or that but if he doesn't plan on leaving you any money, then asking us won't help. Whst is he planning on doing?

talk to your boyfriend re his intentions 

Livingoutloud's picture

Personaly I'd never put boyfriends in my will. I'd dump a guy whod asked me to be in a will. Saying that, make sure you aren't paying his mortgage. Contribute what's reasonable with your salary like pay rent or what not amd make sure it's documented in lease agreement or move out and date him like all other people date, but forget about getting yourself written in his will etc 

susanm's picture

Girl - WTF?  Were you living in a box under the overpass when this guy rescued you from eating out of a dumpster?  Is his money the only thing between you and certain starvation? 

He is in the middle of a divorce that seemingly is revolving around a wife who is trying to get as much money out of him as possible.  And now he has a girlfriend who is apparently OBSESSED with getting to his money.  Even if you are doing your best to hide your desperation and are not as transparent as you have been on here, if he has gotten the slightest whiff of your interest in his cash, the chances of him marrying you after finally ditching his first money hungry wife are ZERO.  If you had even half a brain you would have told him that you could care less about his money, that you love him only for himself, and are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.  But that ship clearly has sailed.  

You have been told how to protect yourself if you want to stay with him and play wifey.  Get a job that has nothing to do with him, open an independent bank account, and if he is willing you can own a life insurance policy on him that will cover any losses you may have from not working to your full potential because of the time you devote to the relationship.  That is fair and reasonable.  But if you keep pushing this he is going to decide that you are just another messy divorce waiting to happen.  If he hasn't already.

SteppedOut's picture

Freaking right? 

Hell, I wish I could advise OP's money bag, er, boyfriend to dump and run. 

notarelative's picture

As a couple, you need to have the difficult conversations and make the financial decisions, before you marry. The prenuptial is signed before you marry, and after you marry the wills are written to reflect the prenup. 

But, none of this should even be considered until after his divorce is final.

 

 

Thumper's picture

Wow you are going about this the wrong wayyyyyyyyy. Your concerned about a pre-nup with a married man? No no no no noooooooooooo

He should be giving you weekly cash and a lot of it. He should buy you a reasonable size condo in Southern Fla,,maybe Naples or Venice Beach on West Coast OR Palm Beach area on East Coast, for winters just fot the two of you..  Art, jewelry stuff that holds value. He should on top of that, pay all your bills too.

It is not about what you think you can get later...it is about what you SHOULD get NOW. He is giving you a lot of cash right...paying your bills and stuff?

 

 

Rags's picture

Whoever the principle says has POA has POA.  But.. IMHO it should be the spouse.  If the parent is elderly and has no spouse, then the kid(s) should have POA.

Just my thoughts of course.

As for money you have sunk into her property.... It is probably gone but..... I would look into an attorney to see what your options are for recovering your money.