Don’t budge. New marriage new house. Don’t go live in her divorce house. She isn’t letting go of the past. 

Take it from someone who lives in DH and BM's house - get a new house.  I have redecorated this entire house, but no matter what I do, I still don't see it as mine.  I feel the house has welcomed me (weird, I know), but it's not mine.  It is not a house I would have ever chosen for myself and I don't like the neighborhood.  Even though the house looks completely different on the inside than it did when DH and BM lived here, even after 11 years, I still feel the memories they made together.  Know what I mean?   DH has never held it over my head that it is HIS home, but it has been said by DH and the skids that it is the only home the skids have ever known.  So what?  My kids no longer have their childhood home.  My parents sold my childhood home shortly after I moved out.  It's not law that you must stay where your children were born and grew up.  One day, after DH's father passes, we will be moving into his home, which is DH's childhood home, and this house will be sold.    DH did not buy that house with his Ex, and I can really see myself living there.  I do wish we had bought another home for ourselves in the meantime.

You NEED a new home.  No old menorys, No ex feels like he can walk in. You must get a new home 

Date her if you like, but don’t move in with her. You’ve recognized that there are a lot of red flags flapping and that your needs would be ignored. Your GF sounds like she’s still tied to her mother’s apron strings, and you’d likely be unhappy with the existing dynamic even if your job was next door.

You are absolutely correct in your thinking. But I'd take it one step further: her anger and unwillingness to budge does not bode well for your relationship. I won't say dump her, but I absolutely wouldn't move in with her. Keep dating and see if she makes any effort to become independent from all her baggage. My guess is she won't.

I moved into a house my husband bought years after his divorce. His college-age daughter had a room there but rarely visited, and never visited when I was there. She'd ask him to borrow my things when I wasn't there, even though she had no relationship with me because she hated her father getting married. She forwarded her mother's mail to our house so I'd have to study the return address to know which Mrs. Marblefawn the mail was actually meant for. Imagine mammogram results coming to my house for a woman he'd divorced more than a decade earlier.

The fact that it was ever a house his kid could lay claim to was always an issue, so I'm not surprised your girl's ex walks right in.

And beyond all that, who the hell wants to drive AN HOUR to work everyday????? Your girlfriend sounds selfish and stuck in her past. I don't even know you and I'm sure you can do better. Don't move in with her.

Stand your ground, do not sell your house and don't move in with her.

Years ago, when I refused to move out of my (cheap) apartment and into an "our" place with a BF, it was because I knew the relationship wouldn't last and then I would be stuck, either in an apartment I couldn't afford or having to find a new place.

Your GF feels safe where she is and doesn't want to leave that safety net, which could mean that she doesn't feel entirely safe with the relationship and is unsure of a future with you. She is not ready to move on.

Not only that, but don't think that distance is going to change the dynamic between her and her mother. Or her and anybody else.

ETA- Oh, crap, I just realized who I was replying to. This is not the girl for you!!!

I had found steptalk before I married my DH. One of the things I would have known to put my foot down about was moving into the marital home. No matter how much I change ("it's unrecognizable!!") it's still they house they bought together with all the hopes and dreams of a young immigrant family riding on it. It's not mine, I don't love it and I don't care what color the walls are, I still see the pictures of "happy family" in this house. It makes me sick that SD walks in and wishes for her mom to still be here, making those happy memories.

It isn't a bad idea ... it's an excellent idea! If you move in with her, eople are giong to continue to treat it as "her place" and continue to drop in, walk in, etc. You will never feel at home there and you'll never be able to set boundaries. A new place puts you on an equal footing with her.Decisions will be joint. 

OTOH, I would keep pushing the issue but on the basis of the time you'll save on your commute. 

Good luck!

I understand not wanting to move into the marital home but I don't think your reasoning is right (aside from the work bit). If you don't trust your wife with her ex, moving further away won't stop anything. Nor will moving away from MIL.... And if you are trying to isolate from those people, there are different issues at play. Its not fair to want to isolate bio grandparents... my other half did this with me and I regret that relationship breaking down (for my daughter and them, not for me). If you don't trust her, don't move in at all and save a lot of aggravation down the line. 

So let me get this straight- YOU are the breadwinner, even though you don't live together....she wants you to watch her kids while she works, you get no say in what happens in the house and are usually treated like a nuisance houseguest, no say about how often she talks to/sees her ex...NOW, she wants you to continue to drive an hour to work and live in the house she bought with her EX, and also pay for the work that needs to be done on the house (I remember this from one of your past posts)... does this about sum it up? Where are your feelings in ANY of this mess? Has she ever even asked how you feel about any of it? Has she made any sacrifices or compromises to make sure YOU are happy? Or is it all about what she wants? Because that's what it seems like so far. Do you honestly feel like she cares about your feelings at all, about anything?

There is no reason why you would move into her house. She doesn't even have a good logical case for it! Would she want to move into a house you owned with your ex? (assuming you had an ex). Doubt it. Trust me, I moved into the house my SO lived with BM in (just a rental house), and I HATE it. I am looking to buy a new house for us as we speak.

There is no reason why you shouldn't buy a new house together and start over, except that you shouldn't be buying a house and marrying this girl to begin with. I'm not sure what it will take to make you see that, aside from possibly finding her in bed with her ex. This has divorce written all over it.

There are several things wrong with what's going on with this. I have a child with my ex. He doesn't stop by whenever he wants. There are boundaries. And the grandfather stops by also for you. That's just a little weird. If her mom is already causing issues that will not be good in the long run. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in asking not to move an hour from work and to start fresh. I'd maybe wait to see if she's thought about how she reacted, but I would definitely rethink (if she doesn't waiver) moving in with her. I'm saying from experience. My DH is the same he doesn't budge with certain important things and it drives me crazy. There should be compromise in a marriage so if you're starting off this way before even getting married I'd really sit back and think all these issues you wrote about if you could live with them for the rest of your life. ESPECIALLY, if you have a child with her. It's very hard to just walk away. Good luck!