You mean BM talking smack about SM so kids will hate her. That's a given..lol And step-parents do it regarding bio-parents is quite. PAS can be applied to anyone who's in a parental role.
BM tried to do the PAS to me and hubby. Thank goodness he did not fall into the trap!!! I told himt aht ultimately he was not going to change her and that eventually she would see that he has moved on with his life. ANd when she sees that he is partying everyday, while she has to be at home with kids everynight, take them with her, or try and find a sitter, that it will tick her off even more.
Well lo and behold less then a month later, after kids would cry everytime that they went passed our home, and after she realized that she was too selfish not to have "me" time, we had them again.
For a while there, while she was at her height, DH actually hated HER enough to want her to take his kids far away so he wouldn't have to see her troll judgemental face, and hear her whiny voice ever again.
other persons such as siblings, step parents grandparents and friends of the child may also be adversely victimized in a similar manner. For the purposes of determining the presence of PAS, the word “parent” may also be used to refer to any other person whose relationship with the child may be adversely affected in a similar manner as described for a parent.
Oh YES!Anyone can allienate a child from ANY person in their life if they really want to. It is a SICK SICK and manipulative way to raise your child. But people do it... sad.
Agreed. Alienation, whether it is the parent or the stepparent, or even the other CHILDREN in the home, is all the same- EVIL and ABUSIVE.
Our BM waged a constant campaign of PAS on our home for YEARS (and continues to do so).
Seven years and counting. We are all evil and the "enemy"- my DH, me, and even my boys. Even her OWN DAUGHTER became the "enemy" when she decided to live with us full-time because she could not take the "craziness" of living with her BM any longer.
The remaining two girls will need long-term therapy to deal with the ravages of the PAS. We have "lost" one because of it (she absolutely HATES us and has moved out of our home and in with herBM full-time. She is 17).
The youngest one is 14 and we are still working hard to combat it every day and remain hopeful.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
PAS is the result to the children of what is referred to as Hostile Aggressive Parenting. That is actually the behavior that creates the alienation. It can be anywhere from mild to severe. My ex is definitely a Hostile Aggressive Parent and it led to PAS with my daughter to the point that she said she didn't want to visit with me anymore and she stopped coming. It took me a 9 month battle in court to force her father to make her visit, but it was well worth it. Had I given up, I would have lost her permanently. And yes, any parent can utilize HAP techniques to alienate a child against anyone (parent, sibling, step-parent, etc.) It's really a sad, sad, thing.
Here is a great website on HAP and it also talks about PAS.
PAS is still very controversial. I was talking to a Child Counselor friend of mine just the other day, and he says that actual PAS is rare, though HAP is very common, it just generally doesn't lead to the severity of a Syndrome. PAS is still not recognized as a Syndrome (not diagnosable at this point). As far as Hostile Agreesive Parenting, most parents have done it now and then, it is the severity that becomes a concern. Of course a Bio can practice it, and do against a Step, or any relative. Even Bios can do against own family.
It would be really great to find a resource on PAS that specifically addresses passive aggressive PAS. Our BM smack talks about us all the time, but she does it in a nasty, subversive, passive aggressive way. We are extremely lucky in that our boys don't seem to be affected by it at all. At first, it was overboard and SS12 was in tears every day because his mom was trying to use him to pass on nasty messages to H and tore him down to both skids (they were 3 and 10 at the time) on a daily basis. The skids are way more savvy now about that kind of thing and BMs PAS seems to be backfiring. When the skids tell me something mean their mom has said about me or H, I just answer, "was that a nice thing to say?" and they always say "no" and then we usually discuss being nice and how important it is. My skids love me and obviously they adore their dad, so nothing the BM has done has worked and at this point both of the skids, but especially SS12, are becoming very alienated from her and are bewildered by her constant nastiness and they don't understand why it's not getting better. Yesterday SS12 asked me if I am still mad at his mom and I said that sometimes when she does things that I think are mean or wrong I get mad, but that I don't want to waste my time thinking about her and being angry when I can be thinking about something else and being happy. I told him that I thought that two years later is long enough that a lot of the anger shouldn't matter because it's from the past. It's all true and he completely understood and was very thoughtful. He said he liked my way and then told me that he thinks his mom is just as mad as she was in the beginning and that maybe she was getting "madder" as time goes on. He and SS5 are definitely thinking about these things and BMs passive aggressiveness and/or outright hostility and smack talk aren't going to make the kids hate us, it's going to make them realize that she is an angry, hateful person who can't let go of the past.
I would love to read more about PAS because I am interested in the subject, but I am very grateful that this isn't a big problem for us. We have always, always, from the very beginning, refused to take the bait and say nasty stuff back or get the skids involved in any way. It has always been a one way deal and it has petered out quite a bit because BM hasn't been able to get a reaction out of us like she wants.
I agree with the above posters who posted the above link to the Hostile Aggressive Parenting site. If you read about it, you will see that it is the more incidious form, more "passive aggressive" form of parenting that you describing with your BM. I think you will find this quite helpful!
I find that many psychologists in the field are split about PAS and HAP. Many are not even educated about it. It's frustating to find a family therapist who even deals with these issues. This is exactly what prompted me to go back to school to and get my Masters in Psychology, so I can go into private practice and help blended families in this area!
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You mean BM talking smack
You mean BM talking smack about SM so kids will hate her. That's a given..lol And step-parents do it regarding bio-parents is quite. PAS can be applied to anyone who's in a parental role.
LOL! Totally!
LOL! Totally!
BM tried to do the PAS to me
BM tried to do the PAS to me and hubby. Thank goodness he did not fall into the trap!!! I told himt aht ultimately he was not going to change her and that eventually she would see that he has moved on with his life. ANd when she sees that he is partying everyday, while she has to be at home with kids everynight, take them with her, or try and find a sitter, that it will tick her off even more.
Well lo and behold less then a month later, after kids would cry everytime that they went passed our home, and after she realized that she was too selfish not to have "me" time, we had them again.
For a while there, while she was at her height, DH actually hated HER enough to want her to take his kids far away so he wouldn't have to see her troll judgemental face, and hear her whiny voice ever again.
other persons such as
other persons such as siblings, step parents grandparents and friends of the child may also be adversely victimized in a similar manner. For the purposes of determining the presence of PAS, the word “parent” may also be used to refer to any other person whose relationship with the child may be adversely affected in a similar manner as described for a parent.
Oh YES!Anyone can allienate
Oh YES!Anyone can allienate a child from ANY person in their life if they really want to. It is a SICK SICK and manipulative way to raise your child. But people do it... sad.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Agreed. Alienation, whether
Agreed. Alienation, whether it is the parent or the stepparent, or even the other CHILDREN in the home, is all the same- EVIL and ABUSIVE.
Our BM waged a constant campaign of PAS on our home for YEARS (and continues to do so).
Seven years and counting. We are all evil and the "enemy"- my DH, me, and even my boys. Even her OWN DAUGHTER became the "enemy" when she decided to live with us full-time because she could not take the "craziness" of living with her BM any longer.
The remaining two girls will need long-term therapy to deal with the ravages of the PAS. We have "lost" one because of it (she absolutely HATES us and has moved out of our home and in with herBM full-time. She is 17).
The youngest one is 14 and we are still working hard to combat it every day and remain hopeful.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
PAS is the result to the
PAS is the result to the children of what is referred to as Hostile Aggressive Parenting. That is actually the behavior that creates the alienation. It can be anywhere from mild to severe. My ex is definitely a Hostile Aggressive Parent and it led to PAS with my daughter to the point that she said she didn't want to visit with me anymore and she stopped coming. It took me a 9 month battle in court to force her father to make her visit, but it was well worth it. Had I given up, I would have lost her permanently. And yes, any parent can utilize HAP techniques to alienate a child against anyone (parent, sibling, step-parent, etc.) It's really a sad, sad, thing.
Here is a great website on HAP and it also talks about PAS.
http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/default.asp
PAS is still very
PAS is still very controversial. I was talking to a Child Counselor friend of mine just the other day, and he says that actual PAS is rare, though HAP is very common, it just generally doesn't lead to the severity of a Syndrome. PAS is still not recognized as a Syndrome (not diagnosable at this point). As far as Hostile Agreesive Parenting, most parents have done it now and then, it is the severity that becomes a concern. Of course a Bio can practice it, and do against a Step, or any relative. Even Bios can do against own family.
It would be really great to
It would be really great to find a resource on PAS that specifically addresses passive aggressive PAS. Our BM smack talks about us all the time, but she does it in a nasty, subversive, passive aggressive way. We are extremely lucky in that our boys don't seem to be affected by it at all. At first, it was overboard and SS12 was in tears every day because his mom was trying to use him to pass on nasty messages to H and tore him down to both skids (they were 3 and 10 at the time) on a daily basis. The skids are way more savvy now about that kind of thing and BMs PAS seems to be backfiring. When the skids tell me something mean their mom has said about me or H, I just answer, "was that a nice thing to say?" and they always say "no" and then we usually discuss being nice and how important it is. My skids love me and obviously they adore their dad, so nothing the BM has done has worked and at this point both of the skids, but especially SS12, are becoming very alienated from her and are bewildered by her constant nastiness and they don't understand why it's not getting better. Yesterday SS12 asked me if I am still mad at his mom and I said that sometimes when she does things that I think are mean or wrong I get mad, but that I don't want to waste my time thinking about her and being angry when I can be thinking about something else and being happy. I told him that I thought that two years later is long enough that a lot of the anger shouldn't matter because it's from the past. It's all true and he completely understood and was very thoughtful. He said he liked my way and then told me that he thinks his mom is just as mad as she was in the beginning and that maybe she was getting "madder" as time goes on. He and SS5 are definitely thinking about these things and BMs passive aggressiveness and/or outright hostility and smack talk aren't going to make the kids hate us, it's going to make them realize that she is an angry, hateful person who can't let go of the past.
I would love to read more about PAS because I am interested in the subject, but I am very grateful that this isn't a big problem for us. We have always, always, from the very beginning, refused to take the bait and say nasty stuff back or get the skids involved in any way. It has always been a one way deal and it has petered out quite a bit because BM hasn't been able to get a reaction out of us like she wants.
I agree with the above
I agree with the above posters who posted the above link to the Hostile Aggressive Parenting site. If you read about it, you will see that it is the more incidious form, more "passive aggressive" form of parenting that you describing with your BM. I think you will find this quite helpful!
I find that many psychologists in the field are split about PAS and HAP. Many are not even educated about it. It's frustating to find a family therapist who even deals with these issues. This is exactly what prompted me to go back to school to and get my Masters in Psychology, so I can go into private practice and help blended families in this area!
One day soon...