Playing hookie with BM / handover messaging?
Hey all,
Just a curious question here, looking for opinions.
SD7 is doing poorly in school. On a previous post I mention that the teacher told us she was being inappropriate in class, so we took her to counselling at BMs request. $800 later counsellor has decided that she is "just a busy and verbous gal"...and that she "has no concerns".
After talking to you all I was sort of looking forward to counsellor getting to the bottom of some of SDs issues but alas ... Just a "verbous gal"...
I think she's doing poorly at least partly because she's a bit spoiled, and has no intrinsic motivation to try at school. Part of the issue is that BM routinely lets her not go to school in favor of "family time", "visitors came from California", "was a substitute teacher so not worth being in class" etc etc. Often she doesn't tell DH that she's not in school so periodically he gets really worried when they email him to alert him to an absence if BM forgets to call in her made up day off. He asked her that she at least tell him when SD won't be in class, but she doesn't. SD hasn't been to five consecutive days of school on BMs weeks since September.
SD is only in grade 2, but she's already below average despite being a clever kid. I think skipping school sends the message to SD that school isn't important and reinforces her "not trying" issues.
What would you all have DH do in this case? Also wtf are we supposed to make of this counselling? Has anyone seen behavioral specialists who make learning plansfor kids with motivation issues? I'm thinking that might be a better option at this point.
Also what type of "handover" messaging do you do for a 7 year old? DH used to summarize the week in an email (appointments,school issues, activities etc) but BM stopped doing the same and I'm wondering if maybe people stop doing this as kids get older or maybe it's a useless exercise in general.
"Busy and verbose gal" to me,
"Busy and verbose gal" to me, says, "ADHD" (and I'm in the child mental health field). I'd get a second opinion, starting with the pediatrician.
WTH does "verbous" mean? That
WTH does "verbous" mean? That's not even a word. Did the counselor mean "verbose"?
A seven y.o. who doesn't follow rules and is disruptive in class? That says "undisciplined" to me. BM is teaching her kid that rules are for other people and sabotaging her education. She's learning the exact opposite of what's important. How sad.
Is your DH documenting these skipped days and calling BM out for it? Has he gone to the school and discussed the issue with admin? He COULD tally how much school SD's missed and craft a letter to BM threatening to take her to court if she continues the educational neglect, but he'd better have his ducks in a row and be prepared to follow through. IMO, continuing to send weekly summaries shows consistency, cooperation, and involvement in his child's life. As for the counselor, they work for YOU so perhaps share these issues with them as well as what you hope SD will get out of the sessions?
Bottom line is, what does your DH want for his daughter and how far is he willing to go to get it? He should be documenting everything and creating a body of evidence against BM. The win would be to get her to take her kid to school without going to court.
That's a good point about the
That's a good point about the counsellor working for "us"...he does try to keep track of things but typically we only find out if she's not there when BM forgets to call in, if SD mentions it or when he sees X absences on her report card.
get with the school and see
get with the school and see if they can have her evaluated for ADHD, Autism (not really thinking it's this, but you NEVER know), anxiety, etc. Through the school, they are going to be more ATTENTIVE to her academics and ability to behave in class... they can even help get her in ECI (early childhood intervention) if needed,and a 504 if needed
I'm thinking the school is
I'm thinking the school is the best option now too, but the school board has gotten pretty soft with the kids because of the pandemic and things have to be realllllllly sliding before they intervene.
Yea, but it wouldn't hurt to
Yea, but it wouldn't hurt to contact them. I really wish i had contacted them way early on with my DD18. I had suspected my she had autism, even asked her psychiatrist that she was seeing for her depression and anxiety. She said, "well if she has it, it would be be way in the low side." So i never pushed it further. I didn't KNOW i could go through the school until DD18 told me her friend was getting tested that way, and she wanted to a week. So we're going through that process now... her senior year... when it will only help her maybe half the year... when I've suspected this since she was like 8 or 9. I really wish i had pushed more, she'd have more assistance with education and wouldn't have had to struggle so much.
in my second marriage I would
in my second marriage I would write EVERYTHING that happened in a little notebook for exBM, she wanted the damn notebook, so I wrote when I BATHED SD (she was 3), EVERYTHING I cooked for SD, breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks, I would REALLY lay it on thick, I would make eggs, sausage, buttered toast, yogurt, glass of milk (that was just breakfast), lunch would be PBJ, apple slices, pudding, steamed carrots, glass of milk. I would document how many cups of water she had, and everything... eventually BM stopped sending the notebook LMAO
but that was my second marriage, this time SD was 5 when we met, and I have never seend any handover message, if something big happened we let BM know.
Yea split happened when SD
Yea split happened when SD was 2 so more communication seemed necessary at the time...DH has kept it up because he says it demonstrates that he has consistently put an effort in as far as SDs wellbeing goes, in case things get really messy with BM
How many absences has she had
How many absences has she had so far this year, and how many last year?
Satan did the same thing and got truancy warnings from the school, which she ignored and kept secret from DH. These factors played a part in her custody loss.
You are correct, BM is giving SD the wrong message with respect to work ethic. The longer it goes on the worse it will get.
If SD is not going to school
And received a truancy warnings. Then the teacher most likely has given up on her, Teachers don't need a student who misses class work. Then has to spend time getting her back to date just to have her take off again.
So yes I am sure that SD is behind in her class. The school is covering there a*s. With putting things in writing. But is SD does not show up to class there nothing anyone can do.
People should not expect the school system to parent there kids. Because they are too lazy to to parent., your DH should be on top of this, not just blaming BM
If I were your DH I would
If I were your DH I would get the comprehensive attendance records for SD from the school, call the Truency Officer with the visitation and missed class schedule and provide the Officer with BM's direct contact information requesting that the Officer engage BM on her duty to get the Skid to school. I would have my attorney send BM a Cease and Decist order regarding SD's absences on BM's time, and I would have the attorney initiate a hearing in front of the Judge to smack BM around a bit under the hairy eyeball of Robed authority. This can all be addressed as BM's failure to do what is in the best interest of the SD.
Bring the pain.
Have fun!
What RAGS said ^^^^
What RAGS said ^^^^
Next, you wrote: Also what type of "handover" messaging do you do for a 7 year old?
None.
Edit to add: More about playing hookie. How many times? Are we talking 3, 4? OR we talking 10, 15, 20 days missed from Sept 1 thru Dec 1. --Kids missing school a LOT, usually means something else is going on inside the home. A day or two here once in a while is not a red flag. It's fun.
Start with making contact with school counselor. What ever you do DO NOT tell bm what you are doing. 'Uhhh bm, mmm, just so you know I am calling about how many days kiddo missed. Thought you should know, bye"
It is not her business. DH has equal rights to call school, teachers and counselors. This is when to bring up IEP or additional tutoring, behavior challanges etc.