Please explain the guilt!
BM is irresponsible. She doesn't work, have a car, pay cs, she lies constantly, just recently called ss a liar to save herself (to him mind you), and is now having another child. I THOUGHT dh and I agreed that she was irresponsible. Ss goes to counseling to deal with bm's crap. And on and on and on... BUT if bm wants ss longer dh doesn't see the problem? Over the summer dh emails bm and says that if she is havin problems taking care of him (via cs) then how will she be able to support him for a month. Legit question we thought. Now I am just on a "f you rampage" because I used this logic when dh spoke of letting bm have him for extra time. Is it guilt or stubbornness? I don't get it! It Is okay for dh to make this point but not me? Hello! I sit in this house in debt up to my ears because of this crap and I can't have opinion. I'll be dipped in s***!!!!
While I understand the
While I understand the dynamic (because I get to live it too, and it also has super powers when this kind of comment extends to SKids) I will never understand the CAUSE of it.
My DH defends his lying ass whore of an abusive and violent drug guzzling ex-wife every turn he gets. Then gets furious when I ask if he's still in love with her.
Completely agree and
Completely agree and sympathize -- I am in a similar situation. My version has a washed-up, plastic surgery addict, alcoholic loser who doesn't do ANYTHING for her kids and didn't do anything when they were married. The stories would blow your mind -- down to her snorting her son's Ritalin. And now I am dealing with sober-for-a-month Mommy who thinks she can increase her visitation and possibly get custody. My husband is too nice to this worthless bitch and it is so frustrating. The reality is that she doesn't want her kids, will never be fit BUT we have to play this little game with her damaged children, a court-appointed therapist and the legal system that posits she MAY get better and one day she MIGHT be a fit mother. THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT.
I wish I had an answer for
I wish I had an answer for you. I am a man and I don't get it either. I do not address problems from the perspective of compassion or emotion. Solutions are not compassionate or emotional. They are either effective or they are ineffective. In the case of ineffective then they do not qualify as solutions.
So, I don't every try to deal with the blended family oppsition from the perspective of emotion or compassion I focus on effective.
Once I have addressed a problem and effectively solved it then I go through the related emotion or give a compassionate message.
My DW has occassionally snapped at me for agreeing with her regarding the blended family opposition or some struggle she is having with her family. I have learned that when she does this that my only options are to either tell her that I am sure it is difficult and I am sorry she is upset about the issue or I have to bite my tongue.
When they attack or comment on the idiocy of their own X or their own family it is fine but when you do it, even if you are usuing your SO's exact words it can cause problem.
If anyone figures out when it is acceptable or not acceptable, let me know please.
I think it's the same as this
I think it's the same as this -- I can say my own kids are doing dumb-ass things but I BETTER NOT hear someone else say it.
Why? Because I see it as a negative reflection back on me. I'm raising them, so it's obviously my fault they're acting like fools.
Same with your DH -- he can talk smack about the BM all he wants... but the minute someone else does it, he takes offense because it reflects negatively back on him that once upon a time he was in love with that shit, or at least decided to procreate with it.
I read somewhere that many
I read somewhere that many more men than women view their previous relationship (no matter HOW bad) with rose coloured glasses. I imagine that is especially true when the woman in question has the all-hallowed, all sanctified "mother of my children" title.