Is this really my life?
Still stewing the in the "Parent Teacher conference issue" (see my post "How about a nice bowl of Resentment; served up Piping Hot)we come to a birthday for my SS11.
I get an email from DH asking for thoughts on what we should get SS11 for his b-day. I gave 4 or 5 suggestions. My DH said he was worried about it and having a hard time coming up with ideas. We have always shopped together for all four our kids b-day and I figured we would come across the right things...as usual.
Bit of back story, my DH has a bad habit of not including me when it comes to decision with his sons. He and BM will have emails and conversations about me and my relationship with the skids, and all of this goes unknown to me. I feel that if someone is discussing me or what is going on in my house - then I have a right to know. Especially when it involves my husband. So my DH, being the loyal man that he is, set up a "family email account" and promptly emailed BM (copies me) and tells her to send all correspondence through the "family email address". Several times I have checked his work computer and find emails to and from BM that do not go through our family address. It is usually about me, my kids, his kids, money, etc...anything that THEY feel is not my business. Eventhough, I take care of his kids and make as money as he does. Not to mention the times that he gets on the family address and deletes items before I can see them, especially when they are conversations they had that he does not want me to know about.
Well once again, he PROMISED that he would not keep things from me. That he does not want secrets with BM etc. Well lo and behold, there is an email last week, sent to her at the same time he was emailing me his PROMISE to be honest and never hide things from me. It said "BM - Question - just email me only at my work address". She replies to him whats up (loving that he purposely excluded me). Then he says "you will probably think I am stupid, but I was hoping you could give me some ideas for SS11's b-day." Then they proceed to chat about that with him THANKING HER so much for her help.
I was livid. Now I am not even capable of picking out gifts for skids. Plus he made sure she knew that I was not capable of it. The main thing is that he tells her to use his work address, so he can hide it from me. Lets see I have to cook and clean for the party but the gifts are way too important for me to be involved in. Am I his wife or is she? I bet she loves knowing that he needs her help. Unfortunately this is an on-going thing with these two. How can I get mad at her for butting in our life when my H is the one inviting her in?
Well after days of crying and ignoring him, I get this email today:
begin email"about the Email to BM.............. I am sorta confused as to what I am allowed to talk to my ex wife about. Am I allowed to have any conversation with her at all? It was about a Birthday Present for Christ sakes. If I would have included you in that email, you would have turned it in to something way worse then just this. I would have made it seemed that you were inferior to her in some way and you would have been more upset. I think you need to understand that I am trying to keep things civil with you while trying to pick and choose what I should be discussing with her and what I should not be. I go to battle for this house, I have been through counseling, I have been to court, I sit in my car at her house, She sits at the bottom of the hill and waits for the kids in her car, I do not talk to her about life and bull shit and about other friends or family. I keep our phone conversations/email far and few between. I do not make the conversations long and chatty. My God I know that your kids bio-dad is not involved in the kids lives. Lord knows I wish he was. But when he calls he wants to spend more time bull shitting about things outside of the kids. He would rather talk to you then the kids. Do I get mad. NO!...........but I most certainly could. You are not one to keep those conversation short and brief about the kids. Those usually end up talking about other shit in his life! (**Note I talk to my kids bio-dad less than once a month, and only when he calls the kids, not too mention he does not even see the kids**)But I swear to you I was not trying to hurt you in any way. I was just trying to get some gift ideas for SS11. And you know I have been really worried about that. He is hard to buy for and you know it. So I am sorry. I was thinking of SS11 not you!" end email
Gee, lets see BM felt special and SS11 got his presents, I guess it was a win-win for my DH. Who gives a shit about me? He told me - "you need to grow up and get over it, this isn't high school!!".
This is just one example of sooo many over the last 4 yrs. I am only 26 (he is 40), I want a baby and a real family. I want to wake up one day and realize that I wasted my whole life waiting for this man to respect me. I also dont want to be twice divorced with two kids at this age either. Help.
Family e-mail
I like the idea of the Family e-mail and in my opinion it should be the ONLY one he uses to communicate with BM.
Your hurt feelings are legitamate inspite of your younger years! I find his comment on you needing to "grow-up very inflamitory! He needs to know he can think of two people at once (You and SS)(cannot multi-task I guess!) He blew it on this one (Just my thoughts)
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
forgitabouit
I think he needs to have better boundries with his ex, and to email and tell her only to email his work email AFTER he told her to email a family account only gives his ex MORE power.
I dont think he understands that.
he is sending mix signals to you and to his ex.
I think he needs to understand how you feel and make boundries that both of you can respect.
We ask SD and SS what they want my FH never calls/emails his ex.
and yes this will be your life if he isnt respecting you now and argues constantly then it will be that way for a long time.
sorry sweetie.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
He sounds like he feels he's
He sounds like he feels he's on a very short leash & that you don't trust him. He sounds like he feels you are oversensitive and has to walk on eggshells with you. I think you need to explain to him that he needs to be open about his conversations with his ex, like only have them in front of you, so that you don't feel so threatened by them. If he can't have a conversation with her in front of you, then he's saying something he shouldn't be saying. I think its fine for him to get gift ideas from her. My ex just called to get gift ideas from me, and as far as I know this does not anger his girlfriend. You really need to talk to him about what bothers you & set up boundaries that you both agree on & STICK WITH THEM. Its not fair of him to set up a family email account & then turn around and say to only use his work email. Thats where he really messed up. As a general rule, "if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, then you shouldn't be doing it" (Dr Phil LOL)
Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD
Same issue with my adult SDs
I just had this "conversation" with my H over his
correcspondence with his adult SDs (all three pushing
30). They plan holidays, sports events, etc. together....of course, I'm "invited" to come along,
but I told him in NO UNCERTAIN terms, that the planning should be the other way around!! WE should be planning things and THEY should be allowed to
join us!!
Where I stand now is that I will make my OWN plans
for holidays if I am not consulted first. Of course
he hates it, but I'm not budging an inch on this one.
In fact, this Thanksgiving, I'm going with my BD
to Florida, he can "entertain" the SDs. Funny thing
is that H is only "part" of their plans this year;
they have other things planned.
But he gives me the same crap when I complain about
his "private" correspondence with SDs...I'm not letting him talk to his "family"; I need to "grow up" and stop being a "dictator".
WRONG. I don't keep anything from him; I expect the
same respect. So do you. Maybe you need to start keeping him out of the "loop" , not out of SPITE, but to let him experience how it FEELS.
You're certainly not alone, if that's any consolation at all!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
He is disrespecting you and your marriage
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
First, how hard is it to chose gifts for an 11 yr old? It does not take a rocket scientist (or a conference, either).
But by going behind your back, and lying to you, he is undermining your trust. What kind of fool trusts someone who lies to you? I've heard this disjointed thinking before-both from my ex and my now H. It's "Why don't you trust me when you know I'm lying to you and hiding things from you".
I know at your age you want a baby; and it's not for me to tell you what to do. But you've got a lot of years yet to have that baby...decide how much of this you are really willing to take for the rest of your life BEFORE planning a pregnancy would be my suggestion. Are you content and happy more than upset and sad?
Only you know the answer to that.