Really worried, very scared right now
The last time I posted I noted that BM told DH and I that she would be taking DH to court for custody so she could take twin SS/SD7 to a job opportunity 800 miles away. DH and BM have 50/50 custody, no child support. DH and I are trying for a kid of our own but we are looking at IVF or adoption. BM has two other kids (half siblings to twins) that are 16.5 and 2.5 years old.
We have been looking for a house in twins' school district for a little bit. It's a neighboring district and we live only a few minutes away from their school but we've grown out of our current house and we wanted to make sure that twins and a future baby would be in the same district. Once BM dropped this bombshell, we started looking in earnest and we found the perfect house. It's seemed like a miracle that this place came on the market when it did and we've signed a sales agreement and just need to schedule an inspection.
BM told us today that she was fired -- downsized to be precise but she thinks it was a cover to fire her because they couldn't get any dirt on her. She also told DH that this new job is going to cover her $25,000.00 moving estimate and give her a $10,000.00 starting bonus. She also told us that she's retained an attorney that has a reputation for being extremely aggressive. (I work in that field and her attorney's reputation is for being aggressive but I've heard that doesn't always work to her advantage.) BM has a $400,000.00 house in an area where an expensive house would be closer to $250,000.00 -- we suspect that whatever financing she will have to work with will require a contingency sale of her current house. BM says that if she has to, she'll take an apartment in the new city and leave her husband and kids here until she secures a house.
We are at a loss of what to do. Our attorney says that we should proceed with the house and that moving into the school district would help us "tremendously." She also said there is no action we can take until BM's attorney serves us with a relocation notice. This relocation notice has be provided with 30 days of a proposed move and has to include things like an address and a school district. I don't think BM has secured these things yet but she assures us its forthcoming.
We are completely on edge. If we get this house and BM is successful with moving with twins, we won't be able to afford the house and the inevitable child support payments. Aside from that, DH and I really don't want her to take twins away. She's not a bad mom, per se, but the twins are horrible with her -- it's even been documented by a child psychologist that SS7 has a really rough time with her and was even diagnosed with adjustment disorder with anxiety. These symptoms are hardly ever present with us and are horribly abundant with BM. We have tried not to bring these matters up with the twins but SD7 keeps telling us she doesn't want to go.
Really worried, very scared right now...
Does the current custody
Does the current custody agreement say that BM can up and move kids without permission? Just 30 days notice? I would think that uprooting the kids and moving far away would not look good for her in court.
Our state requires that if a
Our state requires that if a party sharing custody wants to relocate with minor children, they must provide a Notice of Relocation to the other party with custody within 30 days of a proposed move. The Notice has had to contain a new address, school district, phone number, proposed changes to custody, and other items. One of the key components of the Notice is that it also has to include a Petition that the other party can respond with a yay or nay. If the opposing party with custody says nay, then it automatically comes before a judge for a Relocation Hearing.
If I remember correctly, you
If I remember correctly, you are in a state where mom has to prove moving is in the childen's best interest and you have 50/50. Listen to your attorney, proceed with the move. It will bolster your case, as the children will stay in the same district.
Do you like the house? Can
Do you like the house? Can you afford it right now?
You can't make decisions based on what might happen. I know courts like to keep kids with mom but they also like to maintain the status quo.
Does DH think she'd leave with the kids and make him fight to get them back? That is a real fear but not something people do lightly. It could affect her new job if she there is an amber alert out for her.
And listen to your lawyer. She's a professional and you are paying her for her advice. She knows what the laws are in your area. Share your fears with her and see what she says. She can't guarantee what the courts will do but hopefully she won't blow sunshine up your arse.
You obviously have been taken
You obviously have been taken advantage of by a lawyer but they aren't all devious money grubbing liars.
She's already upset and you are making her feel worse. You actually told her to stop listening to anyone, then told her what to do. How are you so much smarter than a professional who knows the law in their state?
Planning your life around what might or might not happen is not a good way to live. You'd never do anything, you'd be too afraid of what might happen.
If they like the house and can afford it, buy it.
If at some point in the future he has to pay CS and they can't afford the home, deal with that when it happens. Anything can happen, he could lose his job, they could learn that one of them has cancer, there could be a car accident. Lots of things could affect their ability to make a mortgage payment.
The other side of this is what if BM doesn't have the job, or she loses it, or she can't sell her house. Then they miss out on a house because they were afraid of something that didn't happen.
obviously purposeful direct
obviously purposeful direct contrast to what YOU stated?
sheesh - how do you know it was aimed at YOU?
It's just a different opinion, sue.
Think much of yourself??
The lawyers are gonna have a
The lawyers are gonna have a hay day with this one; you'll shell out tens of thousands of $$$ to them and then move into a house that you really can't afford, plus you want to throw a baby in the mix through IVF or adoption. Do you realize how expensive all of those options are? You're already saying "we won't be able to afford the house and the inevitable child support payments." It doesn't sound like you or DH are really thinking this through. Does SAH stand for Stay at home? Is DH the sole breadwinner in your home? Are you sacrificing your life and career opportunities to raise HIS kids? Have you added up the cost of everything you two are trying to undertake all on his dime? Of course I'm assuming your a SAHSM, please correct me if I'm wrong.
BM seems to have the money and the power in this situation which likely equals her winning a case. Dad may try to block the move but the judge can always override it if he believes it's in the best interest of the children. From what I've read so far and my own and others' experiences w/family court, it seems like you have a weak case.
A friend of mine went through a similar custody issue where Dad (who was well off) was allowed to move out of state for his job w/the kids, she ended up following him to be closer to her children.
My suggestion would be to allow her to move w/the kids but make the emphasis of your "custody battle" the visitation and travel expenses. Get ample visitation and make sure she pays the cost for all of it. Also as a condition of her being "allowed" to move with the children have her agree that there will be no child support obligation on DH's part.
Just my suggestion, not trying to make you feel worse but just being real.
You're making quite a few
You're making quite a few assumptions there. I work full time in a skilled profession that compensates me well enough to be a significant source of income for our household. DH and I are well aware of what IVF and adoption have already cost us thus far and will continue to do so as we pursue it in the future.
DH and I live well within our means and act responsibly enough with our income to save for our retirement, an emergency nest egg, and even for SKs college. We were looking at houses well before this and know precisely what we can afford. Our state doesn't bat an eye to ask for 30-40% of a custodial parent's net income for child support and that is a considerable amount of money for any family to blush at. BM should be paying us CS but, well, we went down that road with her before when she wanted DH to fork over more money to her even though they have 50/50 custody and DH decided it was better not to take any of her money. (Yeah, yeah... I've seen those threads on here, too. Don't get me wrong... But, honestly, even if reluctantly, I kinda have to go with DH on this.)
BM, on the other hand, can barely afford her own lifestyle and has already declared bankruptcy once in her life -- wouldn't be terribly surprised if it happened again.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the clarification. Lack of money seemed to be the concern of your original post and now you're saying you have plenty. I hope it all works out in the best interest of the children.