Skids and Church
So, I am a Christian, born and raised and went to Christian grade/high school and college. DH is also, although raised quite differently in the faith. Skids didn't know anything about Jesus, never went to church, nor does BM want them to go. When we moved in together, we started praying at the table (BM told them they didn't have to pray with us if they didn't want to) and eventually had the skids regularly attend church with us. This has been going on for about a year. At first they hated it, SS15 (then 13) complained every time (every other weekend), now they just deal with it. They have major issues being respectful in church, laughing out loud, goofing off with each other and they don't sing or pay attention. Yes, I know church can be boring, I was a kid. But I was ALWAYS respectful. Plus my parents would've whooped me! (I am currently disengaging from skids, so I am not going to discipline them about this... and DH is a little too laid back) Last week SS10 said SS15 only goes to church to get free coffee. (That's a whole other post!!!)
So my question is, since I am sick if them being disrespectful, ruining my church-going experience, and they clearly have no desire to be there, when do I tell DH they should just stay home? I feel there really is no use in SS15 going, as his beliefs probably won't change much... But I'm not sure it would be smart to just have SS10 attend alone... especially since everything is way over his head. They have Sunday school for older kids before service, and little ones during, so he'd either have to go somewhere else during that hour or sit with us.
Thoughts??
Why not go ahead and tell
Why not go ahead and tell them. If SS10 wants to go then let him, but if they are being disrespectful to every one there who is trying to worship then there is no point in them going.
If you are disengaging, you
If you are disengaging, you don't say anything to dh one way or the other. You go to services and immerse yourself in it, oblivious to what the skids are up to. You get yourself ready and go and pay no attention to whether dh tells them to go or not or to behave or not.
IF dh brings it up to you, simply state to him what his choices are, completely without any opinion. "You could have them come with us or they can stay at home, whichever you choose is okay with me."
Can I sneak in my opinion of kids/teens and church? I think it can be just as beneficial if they are going and not into it, going just for the coffee, socialization, basketball, whatever. My BEST memories as a church kid are roaming the halls and playing in the corners, etc. Those positive memories and feelings I built kept me grounded, I think, at times when I might have turned my back on it all. So, if the stepkids continue to come, try not to have too negative of a view on their participation or lack thereof.
I understand your
I understand your perspective, however my view is that when the kids are in our home, DH has a right to bring them to church. I went to church with my family at that age because my parents made me. You make the decision when you are an adult whether or not to continue. Not to mention BM used to go to church (occasionally) with the skids when she was dating a Catholic and made them go. So clearly she's not completely opposed to it, I believe she was just trying to argue about something. And I'm not the one forcing them, DH wanted them to come along, and I encouraged it.
Don't make them go. Religion
Don't make them go. Religion is something you choose, it shouldn't be pushed on anyone. I got confirmed at 12. I also attended temple, bar mitzvah, Catholic funeral, etc. Took sociology and philosophy of religion in college. Read a lot of books, made my own choice as an adult. Give them information, share your thoughts and then step back.
I felt it was my job as a
I felt it was my job as a parent to give my children a full education. I took them to church until 2nd grade. I don't attend because I don't believe what church's teach. I have my own believes. Anyway, it was a education, to me. Just like school. At 2nd grade I gave them a choice. BS doesn't go. DD11 goes every Wednesday night to youth group. I drop her off and pick her up.
Their dad has a right and a responsibility to teach them. This is not on you, nor does your opinion on it matter. If they cause you problems at church, sit somewhere else.
But if dad wants them to go, they go.
This is a no-brainer: stop
This is a no-brainer: stop taking the kids with you. MizFoxie and isitjustme both made good points.
17 years of Catholic school, baptized, confirmed, I was an altar girl, sung in choir, played handbells, and more. I was also growing up in a hasidic jewish neighborhood and with the other side of the family celebrated Jewish holidays, never had dairy with meat, etc. Took a ton of philosophy, psychology and sociology in college but I knew when I was 12 that I was an agnostic atheist. No amount of church or prayer can cure me. And now I resent religion greatly, for many reason.
Good morals don't come from a book. Live by example. WWJD? I don't remember the part in the bible about him forcing anyone into temple.
Yes, if they are being
Yes, if they are being disruptive, don't associate yourself with getting them there or sitting with them. DH should step up but you can only control you.
If I am reading your post
If I am reading your post correctly, it sounds like DH did not make skids go to church when he was with BM. This would indicate that he did not feel strongly about it and allowed BM's beliefs to prevail. Obviously this is why they are so resistant now and BM is not going to be supportive. I don't think DH should be trying to force them at this point in their lives. I'm sure they are wondering why it is important after all the years of it not being important.
As a side note, my skids went to Methodist church up until the time DH and BM divorced. BM then switched and started taking the skids to Catholic church to match her new husband's beliefs. DH struggled with his faith after the divorce and stopped going for a period of time. BM brought up church to the judge. The judge ordered that DH take the skids to church 2 of 3 weekends a month. The compromise was that BM could continue to take them to Catholic and DH could continue to take them to Methodist. Basically, the judge ordered that since the children went prior to the divorce, it was in their best interest to continue.
I personally feel that religion is an extremely private decision and each person should be allowed to make their own decision. I'm not sure at what age you allow a child to do this or if waits til adulthood.
You can force them to go but I doubt that really will make them listen or consider the religion. I think they need to want to enter the faith.
How about sitting away from
How about sitting away from them. Yeah it'll make people question what the heck is going on that you aren't sitting with your family but if they are good practicing christians they will either ask you to your face or pretend not to notice. Going to church is suppose to be a peaceful spirit refresher…if you are constantly worried about what your skids are doing then your not getting what you are going for so separate yourself from your distraction. Skids or not, very few teens voluntarily behave or even go to church services. If you really feel the need to mention something to your DH then you should just tell him that if he wants them to be there then he is responsible for their behavior while they are there. if they want to go and behave, you will sit with him and skids. So he's got two options: let them stay home, let them go but make them behave themselves.