SS8 & BioS4
My eyes hurt from reading - reading - reading this forum ever since I stumbled upon it. I can't read enough - never thought I would find so many ppl in similar situations!
It seems ppl on here either agree and get you or they are on the judgy side - either way- I've loved ready everything everyone has shared.
How do you handle when SS8 is over for the weekend and my son feels 'neglected' by Daddy? SS8 is a very demanding child - as in DH can't go to the bathroom for five seconds without him saying 'daddy' daddy' and he won't stop hollaring it until he comes out of the bathroom. If DH talks to my son - same thing he shouts daddy daddy daddy until Dh's attention is fully on SS8 once again. I've noticed DH has started on these weekends to leave son to me and he focuses most attention on SS8 - I don't think it's fair to our son (what is correct terminology anyway LoL) that is used to having daddies attention to suddenly for a full weekend lose that. Yes he must learn to share it but come on - to feel shunned feels harsh even to me. Some weekends I just take son and we do something at a friends house or something because I hate the situation.
AND how do you get DH to stand up for himself when it comes to the ex? He takes everything she screams at him via text or in person, (even nasty stuff about me) just stands there and takes it. Never stands up for anything. He says he doesn't want to 'start' anything but come on! I tell him to just walk away and leave her standing there but he can't even do that. SS was in the car already when she started hollering this last weekend and he just stood there and took it, rather than walking away and leaving her. He divorced her because of the screaming and now he still has to take it?!
Why does noone warn you how hard it will be to have a SS? Why do you only find these forums when you are at wits end and you wonder every time the kid is over if your marraige will last another weekend? And why the hell do I have to feel so guilty about my feelings on SS?
I tried at first - I really did. I cooked every every time he was over because I love to cook and I always cook for DH and I anyway but he always sits there and won't eat, saying the food looks nasty or he doesn't eat this or that and that HIS mom always lets him have McDonalds or pizza. We used to take him swimming at my friends house but he threw a fit about leaving every time so we stopped that. (friend moved and no longer have that option anyway now) He told DH that he doesn't like me because I try to make him follow rules. I grew up in a home where children were taught to respect adults, be nice to others, even animals, to eat with mouth closed etc etc. He is none of that and I tried at first to help him learn but I stopped when I heard he said that. He told his mom that I am trying to be his mom which she threw a fit about and called DH calling me every name in the book - he put her on speaker so I could hear - and now she wants me to watch SS while DH is at work ? Hell NO! I would be scared what he would report back to her should any conflict arise. He watches me with a weird smile on his face while he deliberatly does something that is 'against house rules' in our house and it creeps me out.
Now a days I am in the bedroom or out of the house while he's there. I try not to get involved when he and my son have a problem - try to get DH to handle it but he doesn't see when SS manipulates a situation and gets son in trouble for supposely hitting him when in fact if you were watching closely son only hit him because SS put his hand in way of racing car. I'm not saying my son is perfect - Lord knows he has his own issues but I can work with him on them and he gets better. He plays fine with other kids, no fighting, shares, etc. But when SS is over it's one thing after another and if you watch them closely mostly because SS manipulates things to get him in trouble.
So much more I could vent to get out of my system but I really must get some work done.
Dad doesn't get to pawn off
Dad doesn't get to pawn off his younger kid on you just because his older kid is there. GOod fathers don't ignore one child because the other is there - they balance their parental responsibilities between the two children.
So what if you are there too - it's not your responsibility to be 100% in charge of the younger one when the older one is there.
Your DH needs to understand that he needs to teach his older brat that the brat doesn't get daddy 100% of the time anymore. He has a sibling to share with. That's it, that's all. If DH doesn't understand that, he can't teach it - tell your DH to get his head out of his butt and learn to balance parenting BOTH his children when they are both there.
You need
So, the boundaries being set by your DH will be the first step. She does NOT get to disrespect him at all. He should not answer her calls. Let them go. To voicemail. Email is even better.
She is a jealous and vindictive woman who would rather damage her child in the hope of upsetting you guys. She is pathetic and you are a better mother than she will ever be and she knows it hence the venom.
The child is jealous because your son has daddy more than him. He has to learn to share his father like he would in an intact family.
Continue doing the right thing and parenting in a good and proper way, dont feel forced to vacate the premises with your child. Be a family and let the jealous BM stew in her toxic bile.
First things first, don't
First things first, don't listen to Trolling Georgetta. She is NOT a stepmom, nor is she in a blended family. She just spews narrow-minded "wisdom" that ignores the fact that stepmom are real people with real needs, etc. Your DH needs to lay down the law with both his son (no yelling, quiet time, sharing, etc.) and with his ex (block number, only communicate through Our Family Wizard so all communication is documented. You ignore both the son when he's a sh*t and the BM. Your DH shouldn't have put anything on speaker phone. You are not responsible for taking care of his son AT ALL. There are consquences to divorce, and one of them is that you no longer live with your child full-time in most cases. DH cannot ignore or disregard you or his other son just because your SS is there. It doesn't work that way. If someone wants "equitable" time with all of their children, then they should make babies with and stay married to ONE person.
Why would you allow anyone to run you out of your own house?
Or force you into your room?
Much less an 8yo toxic POS kid? Time to immediately publish and begin inforcement of the standards of behavior that will be upheld in YOUR home. If DH doesn't like how you parent and discipline any children in your home... he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can STFU and have your back until the two of you can discuss it in private.
If the Skid gets lippy, confront it. Grab him by the ear, give it a twist, drag him to the corner, plant his nose firmly in the corner, swat him on the ass and tell him to stay there, be quit and not to move until YOU get tired. He is 8yo. He can behave appropriately or he can be miserable. His choice. He either chooses to behave reasonably or he chooses the consequences.. Either way... it is his choice.
And for an 8yo... sentences are a great consequence. Tens of thousands of them... all in perfect handwriting, perfect grammar, perfect punctuation at a pace of 120-180 per hour until he clears the assigned number. One mistake in spelling, punctuation, handwriting standard or if he misses an hourly quota... the number doubles. Eventually he will learn.
Make the sentence match the infraction to help make a connection between the action and the consequence.
e.g. "I will not interrupt when others are speaking to each other or spending time together. I will be polite and I will respectfully wait for my father to finish what he is doing then I will ask him for his attention." X5000 for each violation. I am guessing that he will figure it out in about two weeks when all he does when he is in your home is write sentences.
Age appropriate behaviors should be expected of your child too. SS-8 should not be allowed to interefere in your child's turn at the age your child is, and the same applies to your child interfering in SS-8 being 8.
Focus on the what of SS-8's behavior and not the why. The why doesn't really matter. Kids react to the addition of a younger sib. I did when my parents brought home my younger brother when I was 6yo and I probably did so again when they brought home my youngest brother when I was 8.. It is natural. However, if a kid is acting inappropriately ... that behavior should be addressed.
I dont think physical abuse
I dont think physical abuse is the way to go for discipline...
And no way should a stepparent be doing it.