Everyone - thank you for your insights and input. It helped me tremendously, and here is where I took what you gave...

I texted Munchkin in the am. I simply told her that I had figured out what had bothered her the night before. I told her that we care for her (I didnt want to get too mushy all at once...) and that she does NOT have to choose, that we are here to support her. That I discussed things with her father and he is in agreement that there are no hurt feelings whatever she decides to do, especially if she needs to make sure that her mother doesnt have hurt feelings.

Her response was short. "I just didnt want anyones feelings to get hurt".

I texted "I guarrantee that if you choose to go with your mother, our feelings will definitely NOT be hurt. We are here to support you. Just let me know and we will schedule with work."

Then we texted about other things (to get away from heavy topics) and it turns out her bff who is half black, half Japanese was at a demonstration. 

Nervously pulling up to the house, not knowing what would be the atmosphere, but hopeful of improvements, shes there in the back with DH, waving at me - big lovely smile. She chatted non stop for HOURS. We discussed a myriad of topics. Her rabbit, who was hopping around eating weeds, the cat, who was trying to pounce the rabbit and failing, the dog pouncing the cat...everything was commented on, with me just listening hmmmm um hmmmm.

Then she discussed her mother's family. Toxic Troll has a stepmother who is very motherly (like me she said...) and a crazy sister - Crazy Troll, who had 3 children, all taken away from her and fostered out. They had babies and they were all taken away too. And gasp, one is again pregnant and Toxic Troll wants to adopt it! 

Welcome to teenager roller coaster land. My brain is reeling from all the different topics at lightning speed.

So, Im hoping that I was able to convey things correctly. We all mess up here and there, Ive had my share. But in between the non-stop chattering, in a quiet moment she quietly told me that she wants to go with me and her father. No posters...no flash.

It was a good night. Lots of laughter and I even got her to cook with her father whereby he taught her his magic fish fry process (very involved).

So, thanks all, it really helped having everyone's experience and insights. Talked me off the "ledge".

 I definitely appreciate it.