What happened to our partnership marriage?
Why does DH get so upset when I tell him ‘they are not my kids’? It is clear to me that I can not set out any rules or have any say but I am suppose to care for them as they are my kids. How could I ever feel a motherly bond with them when I feel like my relationship to them and to DH changes from wife and mother to our kids to a nanny when his kids are with us. How can I not say to myself ‘I have no say because they are not my kids’?
And how does it not drive DH nuts that we have 2 separate households? One with us together, how we both say we want things to be and another with dad as the only caregiver/decision maker and dads wife as just there with no opinion or say.
How is it that DH doesn’t see this?
Oh just found out last night during yet another discussion of ‘why don’t you get along with my kids?’ that he does see this. Well let’s just say that’s because your kids treat me the way that you allow them to treat me…as if I’m the nanny! Do you think that any nanny or babysitter would look at your kids as their own? The answer to that is more than likely no. Oh but wait they would also have more respect than what I have with them!
DH wants to talk about it but only wants to blame me for the status of the relationship. DH does not like it when I tell him that a huge contributor is that conversations and discussion only take place when I’m not in the room or around. No wonder his kids don’t see me as a part of the family or that I have a say in what takes place.
I always here ‘dad and I decided this’ or ‘dad and I are going to do this’. Examples: dad and I decided that I can have a larger bed, dad and I decided that we are going to go on vacation, dad says we are going out to dinner, dad said that he is going to buy a trampoline, dad said I can have a TV in my room. Does anyone else get these things said to them and feel left out of the decision process?
Am I alone on feeling this way? Am I nuts to feel like this?
This is so common. . . it's
This is so common. . . it's about as common as the sun rising and setting.
Time to disengage. Most of these men with previously enjoyed families want their cake and eat it too. They want:
1. Stepmom to be 100% responsible but have 0% authority over their kids
2. To be "one big happy family" only with glaring double standards
3. Stepmom to be a doormat and go along with everything; not making waves with the almighty BM for fear it will "affect the children." (TM)
Here's a primer on disengagement:
http://steptogether.org/help.html
Also get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin and read thoroughly.
You man is suffering from "guilty daddyitis" The sense of guilt and loss from not living under the same roof as the BM and skids 24/7. He will do ANYTHING to make up for that feeling of failure and loss including sacrificing his subsequent adult relationships at the altar of the Golden Uterus and Child.
Best thing you can do is have
Best thing you can do is have one last statement and then stop feeding this line of argument. For me it was "you want me to love these kids, help with them, do for them but you do not want me to have a say in how they are raised! Then I no longer want to be involved in raising them. They can live here, but I will not do anything for them. I will cook if I am cooking for you and BS. I will wash clothes if they are in hamper. I will not go in their rooms. I will make sure they are not hit by a car. But, that is it. I will tell you if I see something wrong and it is up to you to deal with it. I do not care if they get on the bus. I will no longer get up in the morning with them. You are on your own raising them. You had these children, they are your responsibility, not mine.
That was it, once I said it out loud, I stopped doing everything. The fighting got better, not perfect, but definitely better. I had to learn to repeat again and again to myself when I would see things that would drive me insane. NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM....
He is blaming you for everything, because blending is hell and he has no idea what to do either. But, it really is not your problem. The sooner you disengage, the easier it will get. When he wants to throw the "You don't love my kids", say you are right, I don't. I didn't give birth to them. It is not natural for me to love them, it takes time. When it was ugly here, my response was you are right, I don't and if I did, I sure as hell would not be allowing them to turn out this way....I would be parenting the hell out of them. Are you sure that is what you want??? With my love, comes expectations and rules and guidelines and true parenting. Because what we have going on now, is none of that. If you want me to love them, you have to let me set those things with you. You are not ready for my kind of parenting....
He backed down. My son is an honor student and highly involved. His were in nothing and grades were all over the place then. He knew that my son was allowed nothing less than an A. He did not want me to get involved, because then he would have to parent as well. He wasn't ready to. When I disengaged and he saw the apparent differences in the kids, he started to really focus on grades and activities. Unfortunately for us, it was too late for SD, she now lives with BM and is out of our lives.
ya this is classic!! Kind of
ya this is classic!! Kind of like - be seen but not heard; cook dinner, do laundry, give rides, buy them things but DON'T you dare speak bad to them!! PUKE
I had many a heated argument
I had many a heated argument with GG. He didn't mind me supporting their entitlement sessions financially, or me doing their laundry, etc. Wanted me to supervise their bathing etc, yet in the same breath would say "my children already HAVE two parents" whenever I expressed the need for authoritiy/discipline to be given.
I slowly disengaged b/c if I officially announced that I was backing off his children, he'd have started WWIII. During one of the last arguments, GG said "FINE, I ENJOY COOKING AND CLEANING UP AFTER MY CHILDREN SO I WILL DO IT"
And he soon found out it wasn't as "pleasurable" as he thought without me to wash the pissed on sheets, etc. Wading through an entire weekend of candy overdose wrappers scattered throughout the house didn't appeal to him after awhile :evil:
I remember ss 12 asking me
I remember ss 12 asking me and DH one day why Dh didnt take him to Australia when he went to see me before we were married for a week....DH stumbled over the word so as not to upset anyone with his answer.... in the end I just jumped in there and said...
'the reason why your father didnt bring you along was because your mother wouldnt let him'! The fn shut em up
pricks