I can't  hose mine down anymore. The stench is permanent.

This really resonates with me!

I think I got the kick up the backside I needed recently to start putting myself first and start surrounding myself with more peace and positivity. Why do we endure things we were never responsible for creating?!

I feel for the future of this world with a generation of dysfunctional, incapable and selfish children being raised. Who will wipe our arses when we get old? Not them haha!

That there's something wrong with people with kids who divorce .  Destroying there kids life. I am not talking about people who are physically abusing there SO.  OR are going to jail.  But people who have kids and can't for the next 20 years not have an affair. and Stop doing drugs , gambling, ect for the next 20 years to raise there kids. To be functioning adults. The parents who wanted kids but didn't understand you have to give up things to raise kid.  [ see...  affairs, gambling, drinking. Drugs .. they don't understand me.. the spark is gone ]

these people can't run their own life so they divorce think this is the miracle cure for there problems.  Bring other people into there disfunction.  Buy not making a clean break from there ex.  Expecting there new SO to eat there shi*.   Looking for that big " HAPPY FAMILY. " The one they could not get in the first marriage. But not  figuring out. this was there only shot at it.

To answer your question.  You are not going to like it.  Bio parents don't really care about there kids. The parents say to hell with my kids  I am looking for my own happiness.  I will divorce, screw up everything in my, my SO, My kids life. Then Find a new SO. ..the " SOULMATE ".  Who rightfully. .really don't care about there SK.  They care about themselves. and want to do soulmate things. You can't do soulmate things in front of the kids ..So the kids lose.  And what is easier in life then not care??   If the kids are disrespectful, it's to hard for the parent to do something.[ see want to be happy]  SP disengaged. So nobody does anything about the kids. As in if they really care the parents would keep the family together. But that's takes hard work 
 

Why is the smell tester apparently so broken in SParents?

It is even worse in BioParents. They can't smell themselves much less their spawn.  Behaviorally speaking.

For some reason many of us think that reeking stench out of a partner smells like roses.

The same with how many of us consider skids

Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

This is great! So many of us see things as we want them to be rather than how they are. We hold onto hope that things and people will change. And/or we listen to people whose advice we should not take. 

My smell tester kicked in at the two-year mark and I put the hard brakes on the BS. But the tester got rusty now and then and needed oiled a few times to get it running properly again. 

I think the smell tester wasn't stronger than my biological clock. I had been wanting a child all through my 20s but was stuck in a relationship with someone who very clearly told me he didn't want marriage or more children. I left that relationship at 29, and I met DH shortly thereafter. So there I was, approaching 30...and really trying to just find a "good enough" man to have a baby with. There were certain things on my checklist. A man without a drug/drinking/smoking habit, a patient and hard working man, and someone who willingly wanted kids and marriage. DH checked all the boxes. 

Where DH and I went wrong is when he switched his work schedule. With him around, things were different, because he was aware and involved with most things pertaining to his kids. After a few months of the new schedule he had for work, I knew I wasn't really cut out to be with his kids alone most of the week, but at the time I decided to actively stop trying to maybe see if this was the right situation for me...I was pregnant. Fate, right?

When it started to stink for me, was probably at around that time, and it was because when I would tell DH the things he needed to know (hey your 14 year old got in about an hour before you did at 11pm, or hey your 9 year old half assed his homework), he didn't do actual parenting. When I had my own kid, I realized that I made the mistake of thinking that just because DH had custody of his kids and cooked for them, and was patient, he was a good dad.  But the reason he got custody...was actually because BM was a "worse" parent, not necessarily because DH was a "good" parent. He was just a "better" place for the kids to be.  And what I actually thought was patience....I found out a few years later was actually laziness. DH is not a consistent discipliner. He doesn't like being the bad guy, or staying angry or holding a grudge, or actually enforcing punishment, and now I wouldn't say that that's patience, I would call that laziness to parent.

When I had my own, I realized the amount of work and consistency it's taking to raise someone who is accountable for their actions, goes to school when they don't want to, and being looked at as the "bad/strict" one because I can see through kid shit. I don't know that even for my daughter I have on rose tinted glasses. But I do love her more than anything.  

@Rags, some of us were never married before but came from solid family backgrounds. Some things that we just assumed would be in place because we grew up in a family that was run well, organized, and discplinary yet loving would result in that being the norm. In reality, my DH also grew up in that same family background and he exhibits those behaviors. Where things went wrong is the kids were over indulged (my take on it was because he felt guilty of their life circumstances with his ex) - SKIDs never had choirs, did whatever they wanted and that was that. It's led to them being extremely self serving and making incredible bad adult life decisions but now the two of us continue to make good decisions for US and I don't allow the SKIDs to impact me too much finanically. I did for awhile but after the monetary waste and their continued attitude of entitlement I realized wow these are big boys and when I was their age I wasn't living off my parents. So they are both attemping to fly - we weaken once and awhile but my resolve is that they are capable and should figure this out. I am surprised that they don't get a little embarrased asking at their ages. 

My smell tester was broken because for one, I got the old bait and switch. DH actually disciplined the SKs when we first got together. It was the second we got home from eloping that I literally "investigated," because the change was so sudden and drastic. I tried to find out if BM said something or if SD did. SD wasn't an infinitely clingy cling-on mini-wife and DH wasn't at all indulgent or a Disney dad during our courtship, so it didn't occur to me that I'd get "demoted" to a lowly level and never get my needs met as a wife.

The other reason I didn't have an odour detector was because, and I've admitted this many many times on Steptalk, that I was raised by two insane parents, one of which was my very cruel father who never saw me as doing anything right or having any value as a human being whatsoever. When people are raised in abusive homes, they are taught: 1) that they just aren't as lovable as everyone else, if at all, so they accept crumbs; and, 2) how they're treated is their fault for not ever quite being good enough or getting it right as a friend, wife, daughter, student, or whatever else their role is. We over function, be doormats, and sell our souls, and constantly try to change whatever fault or deficiency we have and one day we'll be fixed enough, good enough to get that fulsome love that we so badly want. 

Being raised in such an unhealthy home causes a whole different mindset than it does for those who were brought up in homes that are on the normal scale. I have been faced with questions and comments like, "why do you stay," "how could you let your parents impact you like that," "how did you not know that your parents were jerks," "how did you not see the red flags," and so on and really these questions don't help at all. It actually makes us feel worse and serves as confirmation that we're defective and just don't think like everyone else. While people brought up on the normal scale can't fathom why abused people tolerate crap, those of us who were raised to never forget that we suck, deserve nothing and are worthless can't fathom how confident people can stand up for themselves and not lose everything. It's a completely different mindset. It took me a lot of therapy to learn about my mindset and to change it and it takes a while to get in touch with your worth when you've never known it was there.

I also think that sometimes that bullshit can sneak up on you. I just experienced a very lengthy bullying experience at work that finally got resolved and parties are being dealt with and it is now the debriefing period where upper management is talking to us to find out when, where and how it all went wrong. I actually had to stop and think and honestly, I think a lot of abusers are narcissists or on the scale. They wear masks, and they put their own spin on things and sometimes their con artistry is good enough that you don't see it coming full force. It sneaks up on you like death by a thousands cuts. At least that's what happened with the most insane bully I've ever seen. Apparently, my teammates have said the same thing. It snuck up on them. 

Anyway, to make a long story short, I tolerate nothing now. I think when a person really knows themselves and values themselves, they won't hesitate to implement the Fuck Around and Find Out Program, which is actually how Bully Boss finally got dealt with. 

Oh, I'll add that SDIL29 and BM have gotten what they call "super close." No one in the family can understand how SDIL doesn't see BM for who and what she really is. Well, I have a theory. SDIL grew up in a very loving family with tons of siblings and cousins. She is close with everyone and her parents are very kind and supportive. SDIL grew up to know her worth and she has a lot of confidence. The reason she got super close with BM and didn't see any red flags is because it never occurred to her that a parent could be like BM. That is something that is just not on SDIL's radar. The rest of that family thinks she'll find out soon enough, but when you're brought up in a super loving family in which everyone loves and respects one another, you think that that's the norm because for you, it is. SDIL got drawn in by BM because why would she need to protect herself from a parental figure when parental figures are all rainbows and kittens.