Why so defensive over SD??
So last night we were all sitting watching TV together for once (this is why it doesn't happen EVER) and SD13 begins to tell dad all her plans for the weekend; fine whatever... and then says I want to get my nose pierced, bellybutton and I want like 7 tatoos... and I say.... - sort of sarcastically... Knowing your dad he'll let you do it tomorrow...
Yep; sure as Sh*t he turns at me with the look of death and says....(MIND you all the kids are in the room) "I'm so fuck** sick of all your comments; shut the hell up!!"
I of course get up and go to bed; becuase of course once again I have been put in my place...
So he follows and proceeds to tell me about myself; and this is what I say, "Why do you get so defensive over your daughter; the other day when your son asked to joing yet ANOTHER sport; I said the exact same thing - Knowing your father he'll say yes...(that is my comment to all of it) But yet you get so mad when I say stuff like that to SD?? Why?? What is the difference............REALLY
**Dad says all the time to treat SD like my own - we have her FT - so I do and this is how it goes....UGH; wonderful way to start the weekend...
I agree with that but then i
I agree with that but then i don't, Everyone should have the right to speak anytime they want when they have an opinion. She was just making a comment, not a mean one in my opinion, and he is the one who was down right nasty. He is the one who should have talked to her in private if he felt it was insulting. I am sure even the kids didn't think the comment she made was insulting. Being that she said it about son and he didn't take it wrong, there is no excuse for degrading her like that and taking it wrong with sd. I feel for you just-a-mom, you didn't deserve that.
He is just mad cause he knows
He is just mad cause he knows your right.
I agree with just-a-mom. You
I agree with just-a-mom.
You were being sarcastic. I understand that. I do it too sometimes but it really isn't helpful. I don't like being on the receiving end of it, it makes me defensive.
Maybe apologise for the sarcasm and try to have a talk with him about why you feel the way you do?
It must be a dad vs. "the
It must be a dad vs. "the little princess" thing, because I see the same thing even though his kids are adults. SD can do no wrong, never will....even if her picture was hanging in the post office, he'd make up some excuse for her behavior.
If he EVER spoke to me like that, especially in front of the skadults, he'd be HISTORY!!!!!
You said it well, this is
You said it well, this is exactly my situation, little princess pees and poops her pants at age 9 but its not her fault..I wonder if i do something to make that dynamic?
Saying something as simple as
Saying something as simple as I did; isnt' wrong in my opinion. I have to stand by it. Now if I would have said something like, "Oh we all know you get whatever you want because your a spoiled brat and daddy gets you everything you whine for."
Then yes, I would have deserved a nasty look; but I see in no way shape or form saying what I said as wrong.
honeslty?? you have never said to your bio kids; (I know I have) you are spoiled; dad gets you whatever you want....(along those lines) those comments are harmless and usually just said nonchalantly; there was no reason for it to be taken differently simply bc it was said to SD13 whom I have raised since she was 2
There is a time and a place
There is a time and a place for comments and sometimes we misjudge the situation. This was one of those times.
I think that after 11 yrs of raising children together you should have some mutual agreement on acceptable behaviours. If not there will be a continuation of this kind of thing.
While I agree that your
While I agree that your comment was inappropriate, my skids would NEVER DREAM of replying to ANY comment I made with "I'm so fuck** sick of all your comments; shut the hell up!!" with my DH sitting there. I do hope he put her in her place as well.
I took it that it was the DH,
I took it that it was the DH, not the skid who said that.
Ahhh...my mistake. Thank
Ahhh...my mistake. Thank you!
Easy mistake. Lots of us have
Easy mistake. Lots of us have stepkids that would do it.
When you pointed it out my
When you pointed it out my thought was, "How could I have let that go without reading it again to be sure?" But then, like you said, it's not unheard of here.
Why do you wish to push his
Why do you wish to push his buttons? There is no point to it.
Okay so I get the feeling
Okay so I get the feeling that I am at fault; or that you all think it was my fault. OKay; I really didn't think it was "that big of a deal" - but thanks for the input.
I didn't think it was pushing buttons; but just another reason why I don't talk - If I would have said it to my bio kids it wouldn't have been a PROBLEM; I think that was my point; not if what I said was right or wrong...
Once again writing and saying if are 2 diff things; and is wasn't degrading to my DH - it was more of a "just saying" tone. (kind of like daddy's little princes) It wasn't as if I said it in a rude, annoyed, or disguisted tone of voice (like a bit*ch)
I guess I still don't see how it was that big of a deal. But once again thanks for the input; have a nice weekend. I guess you can see it any way you wish; I just don't want to defend myself; I am getting the impression I have to.
Sometimes it's hard to get
Sometimes it's hard to get things across on the website as so much of communication has to do with body language and tones. You cannot accurately describe exactly how this was said so other posters are free to take it a different way.
i.e., you can say "I love you" in such a way that it's a negative thing
It sounds like something I
It sounds like something I would have said...but I would have regretted it later.
That's all I was saying.
He's obviously sensitive and no matter what his reaction was OTT and uncalled for.
I totally understand what you
I totally understand what you did.....I am guilty of it too. Time after time, we sit there and watch DH fall prey to total stupidity in defense of their darling offspring and we are basically helpless. Then one time the dam breaks and out comes a sarcastic comment. There is only so much we can take.
We are only human, we are have limits and I am sure everyone is guilty of at least one snide remark it their life time.
I dont think its your fault.
I dont think its your fault. I get where you are coming from. You are custodial and have been raising this kid for a while and per your dh you are supposed to treat her as your own. (same thing I was always supposed to do with ss). The mistake you made here is that you actually believed that's what your dh wanted. In reality he does not want you to treat his kids like your own-he wants you to treat them better! You are not supposed to be confrontive, negative, concerned about a potential problem, you are only supposed to be positive, loving, provide your time and financial support all the while allowing him to make any and all decisions in your own home about these kids.
I have most certainly been sarcastic in regards to either my own children or even dh's parenting. For example when dh is home he likes to allow the kids to stay up late-so on a night he is home, I might make a sarcastic comment like, "Knowing your dad you'll be up all night" or if it comes to hygiene and ss I might even say, "knowing your dad he probably forgot to tell you to brush your teeth". Your statement nor these are abusive. Are they pretty and wrapped up wit a bow? NO, but truthfully none of the statements are any big deal-it's stuff that goes on in families all the time. My thought is that your dh is VERY defensive because he does know there is some truth in your statement and it gave him no right to curse at you or tell you to shut up. That's very different than sarcasm.
i would approach your dh and explain that you did not necessarily mean to hurt his feelings but that you did feel he was a permissive parent (I am assuming you all have talked about this before) and you also felt like the skids are already aware of this. Apologize if it hurt him as I am sure that was not your intention. However, his comment to you was intentionally hurtful-there is no question that cursing, yelling and telling someone to shut up like that is hurtful. And then I would wait for his apology and his efforts to make amends ie kiss your ass.
I agree with another poster
I agree with another poster that the 13 year deliberately set out the bait by making a provocative statement and then waited to see the blow up.
But here is a link that I found useful and I hope it is useful to you too. Make sure to give it to your husband, because he may not realize that he is creating this dysfunctional dynamic by treating you like one of the kids, and a bad one too, one who needs a good lecturing about what's wrong with your behaviour.
If you are to treat SD like your own, dad is the one who needs to make some changes, and stop treating you like a child, so you can function like an adult.
Here is the link, hope it works.
http://www.relationshipresourcecenter.com/html/status.html
Thank you; much appreciated/
Thank you; much appreciated/ ALL of it...
