Nope you are not mean and you are not evil and you are not crazy.....

Why should you have to go through life with less because DH is supporting his daughter her + mooch and children not his ?

I will simply tell the family, fine if this is your stance, we are out, this is the amount of money DH use to give SD, we will inform her that you will be paying it from now on, cause we will not... I will withdraw all my money from any joint account and get financially independent. I will not support a grownup - I don't care if it's biological or not.

You need more than therapy sessions with your husband, you need to visit a lawyer in order to protect your assets.

I often harp on this subject on ST, but it is so vitally important - especially for people of a certain age! You CANNOT have your financial future tied to you DH if he is willing to spend YOUR JOINT assets on supporting his adult children - and the grandchildren! You are already in a situation where you are looking at multi-generational financial support.

Do you really think this is ever going to end? Your SD is dancing on a knife-edge and one small slip will send her into a complete financial vortex which your DH will undoubtedly want to pull her out of, perhaps for years and years to come. This will affect your future, too. Despite whatever your DH says, I am quite sure that if SD and/or any gskids needed help because they were desperate, he would provide it.

I am assuming you and DH are into your late 40s/50's, so trying to recover from bad financial decisions can be life alterning as you age. I think it is well past time that you and DH discuss separating assets and YOU need to look out for YOU (and any children you have).

"we end up having to pay the consequences of her bad decisions!"

No, you are not mean. This is a lifestyle choice they have made. It is not up to you to make up the rest. My own DD, with a college degree (and got it on a full scholarship) made a lifestyle choice that the first three years after college she would hike the three major trails in the USA. That was her choice, and she understood that meant she would not be making good money those first three years, and we were not funding this lifestyle.

If SD is 35, then you and your DH should be at the age where you main focus is funding your retirement. You need to put this goal first and foremost. Is SD going to be paying for you when are old and have no income coming in?

You are not mean or crazy. Your husband is crazy, though, if he continues to support his daughter's bad life choices.

I don't think you should be quiet, but I do think you lost it on the wrong person.

You want to control how your SD lives her life because your husband won't respect your wishes in regards to funding her poor choices.

You should have lost it on your husband. He is the one you should be going off on and telling to get his act together.

Why should your SD care more about what you want more than the man you sleep with every night? Your husband is the problem here, not SD or her piece of shit BF.

Argh, Bethany, except for the money thing, I know right where you're at with the adult daughter and her WTF choices of her BF. My oldest daughter is 36 and has spent the last sixteen years with a real :sick: . But she gets nothing from Dad and I as to cash. She and the horse's *ss she selected have their hand out constantly to his parents. They have even lived with his parents 80% of the last 16yrs. She's ten years younger than the guy and she doesn't work. So yeah, picture a 36yr old woman and a 46yr old man along with their 15yr old kid (my youngest grandson) living with and sponging off his mommy and his stepfather...warm and cozy images, right?

Not my problem. I refuse to enable and I can not control how she lives nor what she selected. I learned years ago to 'let it go'. I honestly don't think she believed her father and I would cut the rope. She was wrong. I love her dearly, but she choose this man and this life and I let her live it. I guess you could at I disengaged from my own child. She didn't select my life mate, I can't select hers *shrugs*. The girl gave up a very good life with wonderful opportunities for this guy. Just because she is my daughter, I can't tell her how to live her life...but I can 100% refuse to finance it.

Your Sd's car is three years in on this co-signed loan. How much longer in term payments? How much left to just pay off and clear title? Though it shouldn't be, it may be less long term stressful and irritating for you if Dad just finishes it out and clears the loan. And then be completely done. Not another dime. Dad can sell the car, keep it or call it his 'freedom' celebration and burn it.

The point is, he needs to find his finish line with all this. But because he got stupid and signed for the car, he needs first to get himself out of that. Then he needs to drop the rope and let his daughter live her life, yeah, just as stupid and terrible as she wants to live it.

I so agree with twoviewpoints, your DH needs to learn to let his daughter go. She needs to live with her choices AND financially support them. He needs to get out from under that car loan and wipe his hands of her, financially.

My SD26's life choices have been very disappointing to my DH but she has not, and will not, listen to a thing he says, nor will she take any help we have tried to give her, like resources to help her get a job (NOT money, she would take that in a heartbeat).

So, when she calls and says she has no money and no food, my DH just makes suggestions and does not offer anything else. On one hand, he feels bad but giving her money or even food is just enabling her and not helping her to be self-sufficient. It's an uphill battle because SD and BM are very co-dependent, so SD does not have to be self-sufficient, BM will save the day because she will need something from SD later (like SD letting BM commit tax fraud by claiming SD's kids).

She has made it worse by supporting her loser boyfriend while he's in jail. She cries poor but has money to buy him a phone card. Yeah, she gets no sympathy from us.

DH has worked hard all of his life (we both have) and he just doesn't get how his daughter can sit back and let the taxpayers support her. So lazy. She tells him about all of the things she wishes she had (including our house) and he tells her, get.a.job. I hope she's not counting on getting our house or our money when we die, because it's not happening. DH refuses to give her anything, since she refuses to do for herself.

I don't know how people can live, just hoping and waiting for handouts from others. I just don't get it.

SD's problems are not yours. Your problem is your DH. I'm glad you are in therapy and hope that he will see that his enabling her is not really helping her and is ruining his marriage. I've been there. My exDH chose enabling his 30-something son over keeping his commitment and promises to me. He couldn't see that all he is really doing is setting his son up to be homeless at 50 when DH is no longer around to take care of his messes. Not my circus anymore.

My DH placed money into SD's bank account for years - and she did not need the financial assistance. But do you think she would say, "Hey Dad, I can make it on my own now." Nope, she just continued to mooch. And now, here he is in retirement. If anything serious came up I would have to divorce him to save my own savings. I agree with Acra - separate the joint account now and possibly get a post-nup.