Am I a petty B word?
I have posted on here before about my SD20 who drives me crazy. The latest isn't really one thing but the last straw in whats always been expected of me. I need some advice from you all. I feel like SD20 & DH believe that is okay for SD to take possession of my stuff if she wants it. Back in the winter I had posted about DH expecting me to give my car to SD 7 days a week for her to work & run around with her friends, which I did for about 6 weeks until she & daddy bought a new one. I'm not employed but have recently started school again in hopes of finally getting my degree. Okay that was in the past & I try to let it go but it just continues to happen so I cant. I bought a WII last year (when I still had my job), it's now in SD's bedroom on DH's say so. Nearly everyday it's something else that is mine that she wants. She has a laptop & so do I. Hers has another virus & has crashed again. I put a password on mine because I don't want a virus & IT'S MY LAPTOP!! DH said he didn't understand why I had to do that & made a huge deal out of it, saying I must be doing something online that I need to hide from everyone. Nope just don't want SD on my laptop. She hints around all the time about how she hates using her dad's computer & so needs to make a resume (right, it's to check her facebook). This weekend she was going to the beach & asked if I had any extra sunglasses. I gave her a pair 2 months ago but she loses stuff a lot which is why I don't like lending things to her. I was on the phone long distance to my Aunt & just kind of shrugged my shoulders & said just mine I use everyday & didn't offer them. She didn't like it but left. It's always been a battle over her taking my tweezers, lotion, make up, jewelry anything she wants. My stuff just disappears & it may or may not reappear one day. Money is very tight with me not working. SD pays no rent, sometimes pays her car insurance (she's on our policy)& should have money to buy whatever she needs. It really bugs me when I'm doing without & she takes my stuff too. Yesterday it was a blow up over a stupid fan. I have had it for years, took it from the garage the other day to use around the house. It's very small & is great to use when cooking heats up the kitchen or upstairs in my office. SD took it to her room & when I took it back to use upstairs it became an issue. I know this may sound ridiculous, it's a fan for crying out loud but I'm tired of her claiming rights to whatever she wants. I got so pissed & DH & I got into a huge fight. He thinks I am the biggest petty b**ch over a fan. He will not try to understand how I feel & how this is an ongoing issue. I just give up. SD knew we were fighting & I stayed away from both of them for the rest of the day, upstairs. SD went to work last night & started texting me about how it seems like I don't really want to be around her much. You think? I really don't want to feel like this. I feel so defeated inside. I made an doctor appointment for tomorrow to go back on anti-depressants because I'm tired of feeling so bad all the time. Am I completely off base on this?
LOVE IT!! Great
LOVE IT!! Great idea!!!!!!!!!!
You are NOT being petty!
You are NOT being petty! These are YOUR things and all your DH is teaching her is that it is ok to take other peoples tings without asking and that she is entitled to these things just because she is deserves them! I agree with the idea of hiding your DH's things and seeing if he thinks it is still petty! And maybe even your SD things! And I would take back MY WII that I bought! HELL NO! YOU ARE NOT WRONG in the slightest! Don't let them make you think that you are the one in the wrong here. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this!!! YOU are being disrespected! Good luck with the advice and hope it works for you!
PURE PURE GENIUS!!!!!!!!
PURE PURE GENIUS!!!!!!!!
I'd go get the WII from her
I'd go get the WII from her room and hook it up to a small t.v. in my own room; I'd also hide something of his that he likes very much and takes pride or enjoyment in. When she asks, remind her that it's your and you wanted it back. When DH asks, remind him that it's yours and you wanted it back. When DH blows up and calls you petty, ask him about the item you hid. Let him storm through the house looking for it. When he comes back fuming at you, ask him how petty it seems now.
Oh, and to answer your
Oh, and to answer your original question; if it was just about the fan and just one time, I would say yes, you're being petty, but it's your fan and you have a right to be petty about it if you want to. Since it's a recurring theme in your home, no, you aren't being petty. You're DH is being a blind, guilty daddy, a$$hole.
You feel defeated because you
You feel defeated because you are outnumbered. DH should be backing you - period. What she is doing is called 'stealing' and it is just plain wrong. She does not have a right to your private things. If your DH knew that you were just as strong in your conviction that stealing is wrong as he is to catering to SD, he might back off. If not, is this really a situation you want to remain in for the long haul?
I agree w/ybarra. And this
I agree w/ybarra. And this is more of a boundaries/respect issue. The bigger issue is that DH doesn't demand that she stop bothering your things and since he doesn't you will have to. Get your WII and put it back in your room and tell her not to bother it. You also need to have a long talk w/DH and get him on your side. He feels his little princess should have the run of the house and expects you to allow her the same.
I had the same problem w/SD (27) to a certain extent. She was so used to taking daddy's stuff, she thought she could do the same of mine. I put my foot down and set her straight. I also knows she likes to snoop in our room because one day after returning from an outing, I found corn chips on the floor. We don't eat corn chips. So now I put all important papers away as well.
The straw that broke the camel's back was one day she took something of her dads and gave it to a friend because she didn't think he wanted it. I egged him on how rude and disrepectful it was, and how would she feel if he'd did it to her? He got so angry he didn't wait for her to get inside the house and approached her as she got out of her car, and lambasted her. I could see the fear in her eyes. He was furious . . . thanks to me. She apologized more than once, and got the point . .it wasn't hers to take and keep your hands off other people's stuff.
Regarding the fan, why should she get the benefit of using it when you were the one who actually got it from the garage? This speaks of entitlement issues and I think she's likely doing a lot of this foolishness just to annoy you and of course your DH doesn't see it. Don't allow that to happen. Since DH won't do it, set her straight now about the importance of respecting other peoples belongings/boundaries and this will no longer be an issue.
Hopefully after setting some boundaries, you won't have to go back on meds. Good luck.
Spin and project. DH KNOWS
Spin and project. DH KNOWS he is wrong for allowing SD to steal your things. But he's turning it around and calling YOU petty!
I agree with the other posters. Got some nice methods for giving him a taste of his own medicine.
DH is obviously disrespecting you via his brat.
Reminds me of a time when SD
Reminds me of a time when SD took my fruit out of a bag. She claimed it was ripe and wanted to use the bag for her fruit. I told her I didn't care if it had liquified, don't touch my stuff. I was mad enough to break her hand. It never happened again. It all boils down to respect.
Not petty at all. Your SD is
Not petty at all. Your SD is an adult. She should make her own money, and buy her own things. Period!!! Have you ever had a talk with you DH about this as a whole? Not just over each particular item not returned, but in general?
NoDoormat . . good post. The
NoDoormat . . good post. The book sounds like an excellent read. Thanks for sharing.
No~Win: Sorry you have to
No~Win: Sorry you have to live with this thief and her DOD!! I agree it is YOUR stuff and IS NOT PETTY!!!!!!!! Take a large basket and go through SD's room...reclaim EVERYTHING that belongs to you......Then put your things under lock and key...it is yours and NOT her's or your DH's!! The Wii is a no brainer! GO GET IT!!!! If DH wants to let LP (lil Princess) use HIS computer so be it! Your laptop is YOURS!!!!! Set boundaries and dont let SD keep on running you over....IF DH blows his top...again..."borrow" his belonging....like the box idea...or give it to charity (then you could REALLY say, "nope I have no idea where it is!" because you wont!!) Bet DH would get sick and tired of the "borrowing" game real soon!! Stand your ground!
Take all of YOUR things back.
Take all of YOUR things back. Then start taking something of HERS every day. She will snoop though your stuff to find it so put it all in the trunk of your car or your office at work or in the trash. When she takes something of yours again, ask dh to find it for you. This will Force him to acknowledge what she's doing and make it a pain In The ass for him to go to her room to get your things. His kid, he has to retrieve the stolen property. After a few times tell him you're calling the police next time she steals from you.
He will straighten her out.
Oh, those SDs with their
Oh, those SDs with their sticky fingers!! I know mine went through our stuff, was in my closets checking out my clothes, hell even slept in OUR bed with the bf when we were away!! For years I have been using a couple of old suitcases as lock ups for some of my stuff.
What did I do?? Right back at yer, SD !! Sooo easy to check her pit out, I mean I could hardly make it look MORE messy ?!!? The advice here is good..... SD had a favourite perfume, so I started spraying it out of the window, maybe three times a week AND moved it around her room hiding it, etc. SD sure was puzzled !! Could someone be going in HER room, touching, EVEN using her precious stuff!! Hilarious !!
Also, when the pit was driving me mad, beginning to smell etc, I did help it along a little bit with some scrap of smelly food!! DH was like, what is that smell ?? I was innocent, and he even WENT into her pit and boy did he get angry !! He cracked the whip for a couple of weeks with her over that!!!
Too little, yes, too late, but enjoyable!!!!!
Good for you!! You are truly
Good for you!! You are truly an inspiration. Now I am looking forward to SD's next visit. She's always having sideline converations with her hubby. What would you suggest so I could have some fun too? LOL LOL
My SD is coming to visit
My SD is coming to visit soon, lucky old me !! DH is happy as he hasn't seen her for nearly two years, plenty of contact behind my back though, so of course it must be My fault there have been NO visits. Hmmmm, I don't think so, DH seems not to just have rose tinted glasses on, I think he is living in a rose tinted World. Not to mention the Daddy Guilt raising it's ugly head again, grrrrr !! SD, the Internet Queen, is Skyping, Facebooking,on almost every social site,every day/ night. Yet she will not even Skype with him say once a month?? She pushes all the right buttons, and DH is transfering money strait into her account !!!
So, I am a thinking JUST what little gems she is going to try this time.....I'll keep you updated!!