Anyone here with Bio Adult children?
This has been a bad bad week. I felt I had to make a very hard decision with boundaries concerning bio daughter (25). For years she has been hinting/suggesting that need to be forgiving towards those who I have felt hurt by, that (in her opinion) it seemed like other people were trying but I wasn't, etc. Several months ago she sent me this big long email telling me what a terrible mom I was and how I had never been available to her, on & on. It was a very hurtful email, one that I was absolutely floored by because I had always thought she and I were close.
I contacted her father, my ex, which I know is a mistake but I was concerned and they live in the same town and I thought something was serious wrong. I even wondered if she sent this to me by mistake and meant to send the email to her father as what she said in her email was the very things she had complained about her father. He knew nothing of it but went to both of our daughters snooping and asking questions, who knows what was said.
She later admitted that she had been influenced by her father and her counselor who had lead her to believe that I was at the root of all her issues. She said she was confused and had been real sick. There was never an apology for the email just reasoning for her actions.
This week I received another email from her which struck me as odd because yet again she was hinting. I took it as she was being judgmental. I had my husband read it so I knew it was just me, he felt the same. I am sorry but I am tired of my kids feeling like they can tell me what to do, what I should and should not say, where I have gone wrong in my life, etc so I didn't let this one go this time and a whole flood of hostility came out of her. She was all upset that I had contacted her father, said she didn't like people talking behind her back and that she felt she couldn't trust me, that I needed to be the safe place for her to fall and I had not been that for her.
I tried to tell her how much I cared and how I had worked hard all my life my my kids and my family. Wow, she turned that into me alwasy making things to be about me, what about her, on & on. She basically told me that it was obvious I was not ready to have a connected relationship with her and that I obviously could not give her what she needed from me. She then proceeded to tell me that it was obvious that I had not seen my counselor in awhile, and how amazing it was that we cannot see our own need for it. That did not set well at all.
She is child #4, both bios live near their dad and as soon as this daughter moved near him, she started changing. My family noticed it even before I did and won't have anything to do with her because of it. I cannot help but feel she is being manipulated and has become daddy's big supporter. As bad as I hated to do it, I felt I could not receive anymore emails like this. I am just now feeling well after months of being sick and I saw these emails going nowhere so I blocked her email account and I disconnected from FaceBook.
Anybody else dealing with adult children that have been as hurtful?
Hi, well my cousin did
Hi, well my cousin did something similar to her parents, who maybe were guilty of a little favoritism toward the boy in their family, but still were very good to my female cousin. But she said horrible things to them, things even I have never been able to forget!! and it is not even me.
The weird thing is that this girl was the envy of all the rest of us while we were growing up because of how great her parents were, and she got everything she wanted which we were glad about for her. Then she writes this shit, not just once but several times. Her dad told my dad, who told me.
Since then her dad has died, and I wonder if she still feels the same. She doesn't come around any more but since she is a different person now, we don't really miss her as she is now, more the way she was up until she changed in the past few years. We suspect she is having hormonal changes but still - she treated her parents terribly.
So to me it seems like it is always the most spoiled ones that write things like this - it is her problem, not yours. To me no one can be a perfect parent BECAUSE - no one can read your mind to know what you need, and you are a kid that can't say what you need, or it is not good for you and the parent has to be the bad guy - so it is just incredibly wrong and selfish to criticize what your parents did, because they are only human also, and not mind readers. Exception is abuse, etc. So Don't You Feel Bad - she needs to continue her own counseling!!!!
Don't react - I am sure that is what she wants, more attention and drama. Go on with your own life, she is acting crazy!!
The other kids were jealous
The other kids were jealous because of how close she and I were, they always claimed I favored her. And I have no doubt she was spolied. I probably allowed too much that I should have stopped years ago. Seems like my husband and I have given and given and given and then she turns around and bites the very hand that fed her but I can't continue giving in to her demands. Life does go on and she is going to have to find her own way.
AVR, you're right that our
AVR, you're right that our kids should not be telling us what to do, how to act, what to think. If she is upset about a particular thing, then focus on that thing. I wonder what she thinks you did or didn't do that was so terrible? Not one of us is a perfect parent. We all make mistakes, we all have regrets, and we make the best of it. And our adult kids are responsible for their own grownup lives and, I hope, learn from our own successes and failtures.
You get to have whatever relationships you want to have, and that includes talking to your ex if you feel it necessary. I avoid my ex at all cost too, but if I have a concern about our kids then of course I contact him. My kids don't get to tell me what to do. That yours didn't like it, well, that's just too bad. She doesn't make the rules.
I'm sure those emails were painful and confusing for you. Blocking her email and facebook is a great consequence for acting like a brat throwing a tantrum. Maybe when she is ready to talk to you with respect, one adult to another, you can begin to rebuild your relationship.