Bio Daughter still Blaming Me
Husband and I have been divorced 26 years since our oldest was 6 years old. You'd think by now my daughter would have been able to deal with it and have moved on but she has not. Anyone else dealing with this? I could really use some words of wisdom about now. I am so tired of this blame game and being ignored, her feeling sorry for herself and feeling I am the one that abandoned her when it was her dad that walk out, ugh!
Ex was having an affair and left, he messed around on her and she left. He remarried and had several affairs which daughter was well aware of, 2nd wife filed for divorce. Not only can the man not keep his body parts in his pants but he doesn't like to work and is currently living off his new girlfriend. He doesn't have good credit because he can't pay his bills and likes new things. He is a not a truthful man.....all of which our daughter is fully aware of but yet I am to blame for the divorce and everything in her life?
Each birthday, Mother's day and Christmas I can expect to hear from my other two daughters but not my oldest. If she does anything it will be a message a day late on FaceBook. She does not call, she does not email to about half my emails. I keep trying and keep trying but I am finally exhausted and cannot keep doing this.
I love my daughter but I just cannot keep doing this.
She is 32 I gather? I think
She is 32 I gather? I think we all come to the point where we get exhausted and know when enough is enough. Sounds like you have done all you can. Quit beating yourself up over it and accept that it is the way she is going to be. Quit trying and enjoy the people around you who do care. I am very sorry it is this way for you. I have had other people tell me this same story. Strange isn't it?
My one friend is 52 and finally gave up. Her first hubby deserted her and her daughter. Daughter blames her for everything. I think it has done her a world of good.
She apparently has a lot of
She apparently has a lot of issues and you are the best scapegoat for her, for whatever reason.
Sometimes you just have to let them go.
Scapegoat is a good term for
Scapegoat is a good term for it. My counselor says that women normally take the most blame because we generally are the one who spend more time with the children teaching them right from wrong and structuring their days as small children while dads have a role of "fun" when they are around.
He also said that she must feel comfortable with me in knowing that I always will be there for her. I saw it in her and my stepsons (all abandoned by their bio parents).....they could not blame the parent that walked out of their lives for fear that parent would leave them again.
Counselor also told me that when I tell my daughter (32) that I really do not want to talk about her dad, she talks about him all the time, that she might feel I am abandoning her because I do not want to listen. Who wants to hear about their ex? And especially after 26 years of being divorced? This is just crazy!!
So, I am going to be blamed regardless because I was the parent there for my children, my adult child will feel abandoned by me if I don't want to hear her talk about her dad who I can't stand, my daughter treats me like crap and there is nothing I can do about it yet I am supposed to continue to be there for her and give the support when she needs it without offering any advise. Is this a Catch-22 or what???
She's not a child anymore.
She's not a child anymore. You don't HAVE to be there for her while she treats you like crap. As long as she keeps getting away with it, she will keep doing it.
It sounds like who she really needs to talk to, is her dad. Or at least talk to a counselor about her dad.
It sounds like who she really
It sounds like who she really needs to talk to, is her dad. Or at least talk to a counselor about her dad.
^ THIS. I would just back off (do not initiate any contact or communication) from her and see how she reacts. Then when she wants to know what your problem is I would tell her the truth. Tell her that you feel that she is blaming you for something that you had no control over, etc.
Or you could offer to go to a few counseling sessions with her.
I don't understand how she
I don't understand how she became aware of all these adult issues...hmmm...You know, it really does suck what she is doing, but since she is the oldest, it seems she was involved or knew too much about adult things when she was younger that she should not have been exposed to, thus the reason I think it causes her issues so many years later. In addition, how do you know so many details about your ex so many years after a divorce? Shouldn't you be oblivious to his life by now? Who cares if he has good credit, bad credit, etc...really, if someone came and told me what my ex was doing today, I'd tell them I don't want to hear about it...Seems that there is too much that your daughter has been exposed to from someone...and that is not helping her overcome these issues.
You are absolutely correct,
You are absolutely correct, she has been made aware of far too much. When ex and I split he started telling our daughter lies about us.....that I had been living with another man while he and I were married, that I did drugs, that I neglected them but always wanting to work and would leave them in the car or at home to go into bars. All of which I never did. He even told his mother that I tried to kill my oldest daughter, his mother then told this to my daughter. All of this stuff came back to me thru my daughter. Every time I tried to correct this by going to the source my ex would then tell me that my daughter was lying about what had been said.
Many years later though he started on our younger daughter with the very same stories. I did correct those stories with my daughters but of course that will leave a seed of doubt. They both eventually saw thru their father and could see he was not one for telling the truth. Our younger daughter wanted "proof" of legal documents. My ex tried to tell our daughters that I was the one that filed for divorce and that he paid way more child support than he did but I had all the documentation to prove to otherwise.
I don't like the continue embroilment but I also think it is in my best interest, as well as my children's, to make sure that when these type of issues come up that I do try to clarify them. As time has passed they have been less and I have finally told my daughters that after all these years I do not know why their dad cannot just let it go and move on. I told them both I have no interest in him or his life.
My counselor says though that by telling my daughters I have no interest in hearing about their dad that they might feel abandoned by me. I really do not feel I have to listen to this stuff anymore.
As far as the financial stuff....the man is one of those that doesn't like to work and will sponge off the world before he holds a job. His credit was so bad that he could not even get a cell phone and he asked my daughter to sign for him. It's not easy to keep all this stuff "secret" when you live close and have interaction in the community. But yes, I have heard it all. Hopefully though, despite what my counselor says, I have made it clear that I am not interested in my ex's life and no longer want to hear about him.
AVR1962. I agree with you.
AVR1962. I agree with you. Enough is enough. You have listened to your daughters tell you this stuff for years. They are young adults now. I think it is tine you were allowed to move on too, instead of being stuck in the same place for years listening to each new or old drama re hashed.
In disagree with your counsellor. I think you've been doing this long enough and your daughters are old enough to understand this is not abandonment on your part, it is just closing the chapter of your life that ended over 20 years ago.
Who knows once you stop listening to the drama and the girls have no one to off load on, they might just stop listening to dad.
You deserve a rest now. You've done your bit.