Changing Dynamics
Sorry, me again! So DH wants to change the dynamics with SK's. They are SD27 & SS25. DH puts in 100% effort and they put in 0% (no surprise there). Meaning, for the past 10 years, he has taken his kids out to dinner once a week. He pays for the meal even if it's his birthday or Father's Day. They live an hour away so that's a 2 hour drive each week for him. He has asked them often to come to our place or even meet him halfway, and they refuse, saying it's too far, they are busy, it's awkward, etc.
DH asked for my opinion on the following: he wants to change the weekly dinners to monthly dinners in the hopes that things can change. What he would like to be different is that they come here more, and that they do other things besides hanging out in a restaurant. He also wants me to be included more. He said he has made it too easy for them, and he would like his kids to reciprocate in the relationship. I said to him, while in theory that would be a good idea, it is very unlikely to change anything. I said what will probably happen is that he will just see less of them and they will feel resentful that DH has cut back on the weekly dinners. They will probably blame me as well...
I kind of feel sorry for him because the kids seem to have so much power over him. They know that just their presence is the only effort needed in this relationship. He makes such a huge effort because he fears if he didn't, he would lose them. It happened once before, when he was settling things with his ex, she wanted 100% of the settlement, and the kids wouldn't speak to him for weeks when he said no. SD was calling him and saying she was angry and that according to his income, he didn't need any of the money, etc. Talk about boundary issues! In the end he took a small portion of the proceeds and the kids still didn't speak to him for a few weeks. He said he never wants something like that to happen again.
Anyway, my question (or his question is), is it worth telling the kids he is changing the weekly dinners to monthly just to see if that helps? Even if it doesn't change anything, at least he will save over $100 for dinner each week! lol
Your step adults sound like
Your step adults sound like mine. They will take and take as long as h is willing to pay. So no I don't think anything will change except your h will save some money. Things aren't going to change either way though so let him do if that's what he wants. Just make sure it is his choice and keep your input to yourself so that he can in no way blame you when it doesn't turn out the way he would like it to. Is it possible that your husband after 10 years is getting tired of the forced weekly dinners?
Yes I think so, good point.
Yes I think so, good point. He just doesn't see it as a natural way to have a relationship, to only see his kids in a restaurant. He wants to see them inI their own home and in our home, rather than only in a restaurant. SD lives 5 mins from restaurant so no reason why she can't cook a meal now and then. None of this is really my concern, except that DH thinks changing the dynamic will help the family, and I really don't think it will.
Thanks for advice of keeping my input to myself, I think that is so true!!
I really think it might
I really think it might change things. It might help even more if he informs them that he notices the relationship is one sided and given their age he is going to let them initiate contact more.
I have seen a big turn around with some of DHs family now that I've disengaged. After consistently taking me for granted for years they seem to suddenly appreciate my efforts. Unfortunately, I am pretty much cooked and am planning to move anyway. They aren't my kids, though.
I think the kids very well might change if he stops the gravy train. He's taught them that they have no responsibility in the relationship. This isn't good for him, them or their future relationships. $400/mo is a lot of money to spend as well. I also really don't think he should take them out for Father's Day. That's not teaching them anything. He should be quiet and let them take initiative.
An extreme example is my
An extreme example is my brother who lived with our parenets until they died out from under him. Literally.
Kids will take and take not realizing that they're mooching. Dad has always paid why should that change? Some kids fly the coop and can't be held back while others will hang around as long as they're allowed to.
I agree with your assessment but in time they may see the error of their ways and the only way to find out is to give it a try. Of course if he goes back to the original arrangement he'll never have another opportunity, at least not a chance of being successful in the future. I.e. once committed he dare not return to the old ways.
An alternative is to be candid with them tellling them he's grown weary of it being one sided and its time for them to carry their own weight by each paying for the meals in turn or simply ask for seperate checks.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments here. DH has never really minded being the one to pay. He has always been a generous guy. I just think its sad that they never even offer, not even on his birthday or Father's Day. When my parents came to visit me (we live in different countries) DH and I wouldn't let them pull out their wallet. We paid their tickets,food, everything. For me it was the least I could do for them after they raised us 6 kids and sacrificed a lot for us. That's why I find this generation so surprising, for me it came natural to give back to my parents once I became an adult.
The issue for DH is that his kids make no effort to actually spend time with him outside these restaurant visits and they have made it clear that I am not welcome to come along. He will ask them to come over, and they say no every time. He invited them over Christmas and they said no, didnt want to play happy families. He admitted he is scared to change things for fear he won't see them as much and he really loves them a lot. I just feel sad for him because I can see how hard he is trying and he gets nothing in return. So even though he came up with the idea of cutting back to once a month dinner, even today he said, "I might suggest every 2 weeks and see how that goes" I just said to do what feels right, taking your advice longtime of not offering my input. Of course I would really love to say "tell them to stop being so selfish!" But I know that wont help and he will come to their defense.
DH needs to sort this out for himself, so long as he is genuinely trying in the not excluding department, and yes I will admit $400+ per month is a lot of money!
Another option that might
Another option that might work for them on the wks he's not taking them out is to have pizza at their house (you invited). That's low key and inexpensive. Of course you probably wouldn't want to go, but at least this would be a venue for having more quality time together (for DH and kids) and spending less $. He could suggest these types of things but insist you and he are a package deal some of the month (if that's what you want).
If it were me though, I'd be really happy w/1 a month. That takes less money and gives them opportunity to take initiative on their own.
Thanks SA. Yes he came up
Thanks SA. Yes he came up with the idea on his own, but yesterday he was like, "Maybe I will start with every 2 weeks" so you can see he is already having doubts. Which is fine, but I'm just sick of dealing with this BS in my life. Even when we make a decision to disengage, they are still there lurking in the background, it's horrible. Like for you SA, you made the decision to disengage, with good intentions, and you still went through that BS at Christmas. Not fair! You don't deserve that.
Then it lies dormant until Easter, and bang it erupts again like a virus!
You all make such good points
You all make such good points here, we are always the bad guy no matter what. DH just said to me, "I've been reflecting on why I do this to you, and its guilt for leaving the marriage," okay appreciate you trying but really now...what could I say!! "Thanks for the reflection, now we are happy again?"
Good idea jennaspace, thanks. You are right though, it's now at a place where I don't even want to go now.
The issue is no longer about me actually being with his kids. It's about dealing with the hurt this exclusion has caused me for 6 years. Time will tell how I feel about it in the future.
I just hear these other stories of some of you who have disengaged, and while that seems the best option, it seems like they are still there causing some amount of grief. In most situations, you can just end relationships with people who treat you badly, but you can't completely end these when they are still in DH's life so I have to find a way to manage these feelings. It's hard...
As for me, I am on here (ST)
As for me, I am on here (ST) after disengaging. I only disengaged in the last year so it's fairly new to me. Though I am still processing disengaging from DHs family, my problems are exponentially less than before. I ramped up coming on steptalk at Christmas because it's the first Christmas I'm officially disengaged and it really helps me to process it.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is although it may appear that those of us who are disengaged are still in as much turmoil because we are processing on this site, we are not. For me, and many others I would guess, the problems have seriously decreased.
I still am navigating through changes that disengagment bring. For example, why the sudden respect at Christmas from DHs family after I disengaged? I process this here on ST, because people can actually relate to this. These posts may give the appearance of me or others not moving on. On the contrary, I (and others, I suspect) truly am happier and much more free. I enjoyed my Christmas (eve) this year! I let DH spend Christmas with his mom because it's truly the last one he will probably ever spend. But I myself had less stress at the holidays than I've had in years.
I don't want to be the person protesting too much. I'm only pointing this out so that people aren't wondering if disengaging really is effective. It truly is and I can honestly say I'm much, much more at peace now that all that drama is out of my life.
I'd change the dinner to once
I'd change the dinner to once a month at McDonald's and order the grilled cheese kids meals complete with the toy.
LOL Manup!!! What a great
LOL Manup!!! What a great idea! I don't dare suggest that to DH, he would seriously get so angry, lol!
Yeah, well I'm in a slightly
Yeah, well I'm in a slightly more advanced stage of anger than your husband. I will not tolerate immature selfishnish anymore. Wanna act like a child, then get treated like one.
Actually, I'd probably cancel the weekly dinners altogether and tell the kids that I'm choosing to take my wife out to dinner once a week instead.
Oh Manup you are so sweet!!!
Oh Manup you are so sweet!!! What would we do on here without you!! My DH would never say that, ever!! That's a good argument though, is it fair in a relationship to take your adult kids out to dinner each week paying over $100 and not take your own wife out that often? Good point!! Think I should mention that???
Listen, I would kill to have
Listen, I would kill to have both the time and money to take my wife out to dinner every week.
Hmm....sounds like a solid New Year's Resolution for me to follow through on.
Of course your husband should have time with his kids, but not at your expense.
Catmom, DH actually did go to
Catmom, DH actually did go to counselling when he first separated and the counsellor's focus was on making sure the kids didn't feel abandoned since DH left them as well. So he has that burned in his mind, that he abandoned his kids and I doubt he will ever get over that. Even now, they say they missed out on living with him for years. SS still lives with BM, he's 25, and says he still misses having hs dad around and has missed out on 10 years they could have lived together. So for them, it's the least dad could do taking the kids out to dinner once a week. Sounds reasonable, I suppose but still doing things out of guilt is never good...
By the time one is 25 fucking
By the time one is 25 fucking years old it doesn't matter if daddy was there to wipe his butt every night.
Jenna I just wanted to say
Jenna I just wanted to say thank you for your reassurance here. I read your post a couple of days ago and since then I have been feeling this strange sense of peace that everything is going to be okay. You are absolutely right, that at Christmas things ramp up a bit and its great to have the support here. What I love most about this site is that I can actually come on here and sometimes have a laugh or an aha moment when i read how wonderfully some of you are dealing with your situations. It gives me great encouragement so thank you!
And I feel very reassured that this disengagement can work for me as well so thank you.
We are not alone in this so it's quite validating to know that we have others who can relate to our situation!!