daughter's wedding
This isn't a vent, but more of just a sadness of how it is in second marriages with stepkids and ex's, etc...My DD29 got married on Saturday and I remember reading a post on here regarding how stepmothers should dress vs. the mother of the bride (which was me) My ex married a woman who has one of his old jobs (he got fired during our divorce, they married 4 months after the divorce and she has supported him ever since). Anyway, many people told the stepmoms in that post to dress however they wanted,etc..., but I needn't have worried. She couldn't upstage me on her BEST day. Her paycheck may put mine totally to shame, but SHE was the one who looked like a matronly grandmother and I looked by far better. I'm slender and a size 6 and wore a plum colored sleek long gown and looked pretty darn good. She's about a size 14 and wore a gray knee length dress and did nothing to her straight hair. UGH My SIL told me that the people sitting behind them were talking as I was walking down the aisle with my now dh and one person asked the other, "Is that "Jane's" mom??" She's gorgeous!" 
That made me feel really good. I may not make a ton of money, but I felt pretty good about how I look at my age (54). The ex's wife is 52 and looks older than I do and has no clue as to how to make herself look good. On the other hand, as many ex-wives, it was hard to see my ex have his arm around her showing her the love he never did for me. I admit...THAT was difficult. We were married 25 years (together 28) and seeing how he treated HER was all I ever wanted. Oh, well. The rehearsal dinner was difficult. I hadn't seen my ex in 4 years. He got up and made a speech about how perfect our daughter and her now husband were perfect for each other because they have a lot in common and not just sex. YES...he actually said that! My Son-in-law looked over at me more than once with sad eyes as he knew what I was feeling. My ex might as well have said that that's ALL he and I had ever had in common and, it did hurt. I DID love that man for half my life and for him to say that wasn't easy. My dh said he saw my DD cringe and felt for her. Dh and I both felt it was inappropriate to say. Anyway, it was also difficult to see how the ex and his wife DO have that blended family that I will never have. Dh's sons are all so different from my children...have done drugs and caused havoc in our lives. HER children were there, so they had a nice blended family picture taken whereas dh and I did not as his sons were not there. The wedding was states away and his sons never could have afforded to go. Last Christmas as I was taking family pictures here at home with all 4 of my DDs and my SIL, dh and his sons stayed in our basement and didn't partake. It DOES make me sad at how THEY interacted as a "family" and I don't have that and never will. But, overall, it was a great weekend with my family and daughters. Certainly it was not EVER how I envisioned it in my life, but it was certainly the most beautiful wedding I have ever attended...outdoors, under a lighted oak tree at a beautiful old mansion. Oh...also...my DD and her husband wrote their own vows and I almost started crying because in her vows, she said to her husband how he treated her like she was special and made her feel like she "mattered". That's exactly what I told dh many times when we were dating 6 years ago...he made me feel like I mattered. And, during the course of our marriage, he actually told me once that I was "the one". That was wonderful to hear, but also hard because I had thought my ex was "the one". I told my DD who got married when I saw her in July that I guess in our lives that there is more than just "one" at different stages of our lives.
You were married to this man
You were married to this man for many years. You would have made quite an emotional investment so it would be hard not to feel resentment when you saw him with his new wife - especially if it was clear he treats her better than he did you. But I have found that as time goes on, feelings change. For a good 10 years after I married DH I would think of my first husband, remember some of his good traits which DH was lacking in. But in time DH 'learned' how to make me feel special and loved. Now when I think of my ex I thank my lucky stars I am not married to him anymore. At least I don't have to put up with the really BAD traits. Think of it: Your ex treats his new wife better than you because he knows if he doesn't he will lose all of the comforts he is now getting for free. If you were still married to him he would not have a job and you would be supporting him. On top of that, he would have still been spouting off inappropriate comments, and you would be sitting next to him.
Thank you for all your kind
Thank you for all your kind comments. Yes...my dh was the one who said I couldn't display my pictures, but in the end, I put them in a spot in a corner and he shut up. I have already told him that I am going to get an 8 X 10 of the pic of my "entire" family...meaning him, me, my new SIL, and all my girls. If he doesn't like it, I can't help it, yet I will know how he feels as I felt totally uncomfortable being in Christmas pictures with only HIS kids 2 Christmases ago. Plus, I told him if HIS DS31 hadn't screwed up HIS marriage with drugs, we'd have HIS wedding picture displayed as well. Not MY fault his kid screwed that up.
I think it may have been easier if I had married a man with daughters. There at least may have been SOME blending there. And, the reason dh didn't partake in my family pics last Christmas was because he was uncomfortable being with my daughters knowing they don't like him (although I think things may be getting better). Dh voices his opinions (and sometimes very loudly) as he did one night 2 years ago when DD29 and her now husband were in our basement. They heard everything and said he wouldn't be invited to the wedding. (He had some pretty awful things to say about them...the reason being that they had hurt me deeply the July before.) The week of Christmas last year when I did do things with them, dh didn't go with me...coffee, happy hour, etc...They stayed at their father's house, of course, where they feel more comfortable which always makes me really sad. Anyway, DD29 and I had a few good talks this summer when I was with her and she told me dh talks to me like I'm a child (true sometimes). My response to that was, "That's interesting because THAT'S the problem he has with YOU!" (Also, true.) I told her if everyone would just treat me kindly and with fairness (THAT being directed towards my daughters), there would BE no problems between them and dh. All dh has ever done is stick up for me regarding the hurt my daughters have inflicted upon me. They wouldn't stay at our place because they didn't like dh which in turn hurt ME. It's like a merry-go-round. Hopefully, things will get better from this point forward. DD29 told me she and her husband are "over" what happened and when my DD30 saw us and dh reached out to shake her hand, she hugged him. THAT warmed my heart like no other.
"Well, blending like cats in
"Well, blending like cats in a pillow case maybe, but that is about it." Sorry but this is great!
Ok...I stand corrected. The
Ok...I stand corrected. The "cats in a pillowcase" comment though...I had to laugh!
Honestly though...my dh's sons have all done drugs, lied, been in jail, the ER, etc...wreaking havoc in our marriage. I simply cannot imagine any girls could be worse although, from what I've read, they are more hurtful, manipulative and fathers tend to baby them more. Dh does NOT baby his boys. He actually let his youngest son be homeless for a week when he got kicked out of rehab once. I have a feeling fathers would have a harder time doing that with daughters. Dh was a single father, so probably a good thing he had boys. He just hates the drama and the pain my girls have inflicted upon me due to their dislike of HIM. Not fair. I raised them yet, just because they haven't approved of my choice of a spouse, they have distanced themselves from me...up until recently. A good friend once told me that her mother said daughters weren't worth a damn until they were 30. Thank GOD most of mine are close to that because their 20's have NOT been fun. Yet...they like their stepmother and, as I said, blended with her daughter who is 24. She, like mine, went to college and did all the same things mine did, so she fit right in with my kids. That's why I said I wished my dh had had girls. It pained me at my daughter's wedding to see their entire family there and wish I had that. Of course I'm glad dh's boys weren't there...ICK, but to have a blended family sure would be nice. I can hear you all saying...in your dreams! Right??