My OSD caused not only damage in the relationship between DH & I over the years, but she caused great damage to the relationship between BM and her SO, OSD also was a problem for DH and his previous girlfriend before me....not so much enmeshment between them, but dysfunction nevertheless

Not sure if there is a way to find balance in your situation....would need to know more detail from you

Oh yes; I'm sure that my DH's first marriage would have survived if SD56 had not been the mini wife. She is the mini wife in our marriage. I've heard many, many stories that prove it, about my DH's first marriage. SD56 has DH wrapped around his finger and has had for 56 years, and brags about it to anyone that will listen.

I disengaged from my SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter)7 years ago. SGD31 is the same way with her "daddy", our SIL. There is no point in wasting my time being jealous or wishing they would go away, it's not happening. My SD and SGD are dead in my mind and they are welcome to play the drama with DH. I am trying very hard to not let it come into our marriage, but have to stand my ground and some days are difficult. I have 36 years invested in my marriage and they are not going to run me off. They know it now, but it took some setting everyone straight.

Yes, if you walked out tomorrow, your replacement would also have to deal with the issue.

My suggestion is; separate your DH and marriage from SD and make it clear to her, by you (not thru your DH) that "this" is where you stand SD. I ask DH to help me out and it only made it worse, so I took it upon myself to solve the issues, as they arise.

Good Luck and stay here for support, I still do.

SS30 had his first in patient psychiatric stay at 4-5 years old. BM also had severe psychiatric problems (shut down completely) and as her father was a severe alcoholic I believe most of this is genetic.

DH and BM were divorced for years when they had a ONS that produced SS30. DH married wife #2 a few years later. She tried to help SS30 but soon banned him from their life. Not that I blame her now - but I did at first until I realized how hideous SS is.

DH's marriage to BM was never real. It was always based on her getting knocked up. He was married to his 2nd wife for about 15 years. I do not think that SS's issues broke them up. She left DH to return to her first DH (a cheating bastard) because he made more money.

I don't care about any of that sh*t. DH is a good man who treats me very, very well. He does not bear any malice toward either of his exes.

My DH is the polar opposite of his father (FIL), who was an enmeshed dad until the day he died. FIL greatly favored DH's two younger sisters. FIL's only marriage ended in divorce and he never had much respect for women, but he spoiled his daughters rotten. DH mowed lawns and had a paper route before getting his first job at fifteen, while his sisters ran wild as preteens, were involved in drugs and sex, and I don't know if they even finished high school. Then FIL did the same with the gkids, openly favoring the girls and ignoring the boys. The result? None of these females are coping well in life. None have careers. One is a fifty-something addict who can't take care of herself; her kids are addicts as well. Daddy always took care of them. And Daddy died nearly broke despite having two pensions and social security.

Enmeshment is a dynamic that is nearly impossible to overcome, because the parent would have to want to change and the child is unlikely to want change at all. Enmeshed parents (and adult children) aren't emotionally available, but that doesn't stop them from selfishly seeking partners to provide bedwarming, nanny and maid service, and to contribute financially. An enmeshed dad at first might seem like a devoted, hands on parent and be the most attentive and romantic suitor, but his primary relationship will always be with his daughter. And you can bet that the daughter will resent your presence and continue to cause problems in any relationships dad might have.

You ask about compromise, but I don't happen to believe that relationships are supposed to be so hard. Enmeshment is two individuals sharing the same sickness. Why settle for being a second wife when you deserve to be a queen?