Dh's double-standards when it comes to his wife vs Sd's
So for Mother's Day my ysd sent a thoughtful package with a beautiful gift and even more beautiful card telling me how much she counts me in her life as one of her blessings, etc... a very sweet gesture and dh and I called her and left her a message telling her how very sweet and wonderful.
Dh said to me what a great kid, how sweet, isn't she just great. I agreed, she absolutely is
We didn't hear back but as we call every week we called the following week. Got her voicemail so this time dh left a long message telling her how sweet, how wonderful she is, etc.. etc..
In between this sd texted me to say she was glad I liked the gift and again I responded by thanking her and telling her what a class act she is
We were talking to her on the weekend and again dh mentioned, at least 5 times, to sd how wonderful, how thoughtful, how proud he is of her
Now, I don't have any problem with dh and myself thanking sd for doing something wonderful. But couldn't help but think of all the years I've unselfishly given to sd's: the interest I've taken in their lives, the thoughtful gestures and gifts, all the many many things I chose to do and all the while dh's attitude has always been that I should love them as my own, treat them as my own just as if I were their mother and as their mother, you wouldn't expect thank you's from your husband for simply looking after your own kids would you?
Fine, BUT shouldn't his attitude be the same for his adult daughters? Show respect and love to your stepmother just as if she is your mother. You should acknowledge her on Mother's Day and not expect a thank you (let alone graveling for weeks) from your father.
Well now....clearly there is a totally different standard! Sd is a hero for being kind and respectful to me but it is just a given that I would sacrifice my whole life and not expect any sort of acknowledgment let alone hero treatment
Grrrrr!!
Oh the double standard joys
Oh the double standard joys of being an SM...always EXPECTED to GIVE but should NEVER EXPECT to get anything in return... :sick:
Yes, rather than dh
Yes, rather than dh acknowledging me on Mother's Day for once, Mother's Day was all about him honoring sd for how wonderful SHE is
Oh well, what matters is sd did absolutely acknowledge me and it meant a lot. Too bad dh couldn't learn from his own kid!
Yes, the old double standard
Yes, the old double standard is alive and kicking in the step family! It's a shame your DH did not acknowledge your contribution - especially on Mother's Day. Instead he went all 'googoo-gaga' over SD doing a good act. It reminds me of the of dog obedience class I recently attended with my puppy. The owner is the one who pays and makes sure the dog 'gets it' but the dog gets all sorts of
enthusiastic 'good dogs' for remaining in a sitting position for 5 seconds. Your DH was clearly over-doing it. Was he trying to prove some sort of point? Ya, we're just supposed to 'heal' without an 'atta-girl'.
Last week we had a visit from DH's Brother and his girlfriend. Many times DH and his family and whined about the way BIL's girlfriend takes advantage of him, never pays for anything, etc. So one night after listening to this from DH I replied, "I wonder what others thought of you when I was paying for all of our expenses while you were paying for SD to go to college. I can recall more than once that you turned your back when it was time to pay a restaurant or hotel bill." Silence. Not once in over 22 years has DH expressed one word of appreciation. Too bad, he would have looked SO much bigger in my eyes.
I like the dog obedience
I like the dog obedience scenario....wow, really puts that in perspective!
Get the same thing here ...
Get the same thing here ... high praise for the smallest effort on SD's part. SO got all "warm and fuzzy" because SD remembered his birthday and was SO THOUGHTFUL to send him a text. Until he got that text, he was somewhat nonplussed by everything I had done to make the day special for him. He treated my efforts and thoughtfulness as though it was nothing extraordinary and was expected - but a text from his darling daughter - now that was something to crow about!
^^^THIS^^^ OP, I can
^^^THIS^^^
OP, I can understand your frustration. However, I do feel I have to say that it was very nice of your SD to do that.
And therein lies the problem
And therein lies the problem StepAside...this unreasonable expectation that SM's should automatically sacrifice. These are not their children, not their responsibility, they are not obligated in any way whatsoever to sacrifice for these kids. It is a double-standard and especially when skids are grown adults the standard should be the same
My parents made mistakes like everyone else throughout their post-divorce years but boy do they seem to have gotten it right when it comes to this. There came a point in my life when it dawned on me that my sf didn't owe me a single thing in life. I was not his daughter. When he chose to do something kind for me my mother sure made sure we knew how great it was of him, how wonderful he was. And visa versa.
I really think all skids need to be made to understand this about their step-parents. If they choose to dislike their step-parents and not thank them for what they do that is one thing and can't be forced. On the other hand, our dh's need to set the same standards and insure that THEY make a big deal for what their wife does for children that are not hers.
I guess the nice thing about doing so so much for unappreciative people who simply expect it of you with no gratitude or respect given, is when you finally disengage you do it without guilt as you know you made sacrifices, know you were kind and decent enjoy the stress free life of not giving a damn about people who really lost out on what could have been a great relationship
"I really think all skids
"I really think all skids need to be made to understand this about their step-parents."
And I think this SD does (hopefully), and that's why she recognized the SM (again, hopefully) and did this on her own, without prodding from anyone (again, hopefully).
SM and DH both made a point to thank her. You both did the right thing by doing so and DH should have left it at that with her publicly, but continue to feel fatherly pride in his daughter.
Agreed Anon2009, it was
Agreed Anon2009, it was AWESOME that sd did that. I'm proud of her for reaching this stage in her life and I so welcome it in our relationship. She gets it
it's my dh that is clueless sometimes