Disengaging is good. Long post
Today DH went to the park nearby to visit with OSD and GD who were here from out of state. He was gone exactly one hour and fifteen minutes. He only let me know this morning when I woke up that he would be going out. He starts off by waking me and asking if we had any plans for this morning. She just texted him late last night to set a time. We had a big argument a few days ago about his kids when he told me out of the clear bluesky late at night that OSD was coming up for a visit and didnt want to take GD out to eat because of food allergies. He of course then got into a big arguement with me when I took his statement as a guilt trip. I am firm that none of the three grown daughters should ever come to my home again. He does not understand why the OSD is included in this ban since she was not directly involved in the big mess this past spring. However, this OSD has always been cold to me, never accepted me and I know for a fact that she has " never liked me much". Her words to him on his FB wall. In a conversation that started off with her posting on his wall " that she wondered why I unfriended her". It was a PAssive aggressive dig at me to him in a public forum. Yet he does not understand why she is included with the other two.
In my opinion she is in the enemy camp and should not be admitted to my home. She stays with BM for 3-4 days and has 1hr to see her dad! Why should I disrupt my time to be around her? She does not seek me out. She came to my home the day before Easter for a little egg hunt for GD that I invited her to and bought the stuff for. Yet due to the stress that MSD had caused me at that time I could not bear to see any of them. I was in my bed and YSD was attacking me by text that i should not be with her dad and he should divorce me if I could not accept his kids and grandkids and participate in the visit for the egg hunt . This attack was before it was to even start, and she was not even coming over. Who even told her I wasnt going to go outside? Maybe the MSD who was temporarily living here overheard me and DH that morning. Anyway, Did OSD come inside and say hello or anything? No. She knew what her sisters were doing to me and even admitted in her later FB conversation with her dad that it was wrong. But did she ever take a stand for right? No. Did my husband at that time? No. So I do not want to ever see any of his daughters or grandchildren. Why invest myself into SGKids that I will never have a real relationship with? DH barely even sees them.
So he can see them elsewhere. I just ask to be told when so I can plan my time. I just ask not to be told anything about the SD's unless I ask. And if I ask about the SGkids then keep the info about them not their moms. And never bring them to my home. Because if they cannot accept me and respect me as DH's wife then they cannot come here and enjoy the benefit of the home we have together. The home that without me would not be here.
We had a long talk in the driveway the day after the big argument. He had told me during the fight that it hurt him that I would leave the room when one of the SD's called so I would not have to listen to the conversation. This was news to me. And in the heat of the fight he called me a bad wife and stormed off to bed. He called the next day and apologized on my voice mail. I did not call him back. When he got home I was outside and we talked in the driveway awhile. I think he finally heard me about why I do not want to be around them. I told him I know he still has that dream that all our family could be together. I said it is sad that will not happen. I tried to explain that this scenario with adult SD's is more the norm than not. I said it was not my doing how it got this way but I will not tolerate it or pretend it did not happen. I said I doubt that his daughters have spent hours reading articles or blogs like this one to try to understand what or why this happened or to try to find a solution. He asked if there was an answer. Did it ever work out for people? I said no, not really in all the stories I read. He knows you can't change other people. He just doesn't want to see it about his daughters. I told him that if he thought he could go out there and find someone that his daughters would accept and respect that could all be one big happy family then I would let him go. I was dead serious. I think he got it.
I said I don' t want him to think that it will blow over and come the holidays things will be ok. It will never be ok again.
So no. They cannot come here ever. I put up with too much with the horrible MSD setting up her terrorist camp with her cat in my space. I think he gets it now that I don' t want to talk about them or hear about them. That I need time to get over the trauma of it. That when he throws them in my face when I least expect it that is not helping. I hope he gets it. Time will tell.
Meanwhile. I am moving on. I make plans to see my kids and GD when I want. And I am going back to college to finish my degree. One class this fall. Baby steps. But steps all the same.
So this is long. The original point of it was about lumping the OSD in with the others. I think so based on previous things that happened , not just what the others did. And knowing she does not like me and would say that to her dad on a public forum. That is aggressive in itself. Why should I want to be around her?
I feel betrayed by DH. I do not know that she did not spend the hour this morning thrashing me. I do know that it is a possibility and that he would not take a strong stand against any of them if they do so.
If no one takes a stand then what do we have? Isn't that how the holocaust started? No disrespect intended.
So I will take my own stand. And so be it. There it is. Pardon my rambling. Y'all come back now, ya hear. Nite.
I hope that if your OSD did
I hope that if your OSD did spend the hour with your DH "thrashing" you, that he would stand up for you and not allow her to speak this way about you. I know I would do that if my adult bios badmouthed my DH to me. Unfortunately these guilty daddies do not always behave as they should where their rude, spoilt kids are concerned.
My bios have been pleasant and respectful to my DH right from the first meeting with him, whereas my SDs have been hostile to me from the start, egged on by their mother. I disengaged from them after a year or so of knowing them, and content myself with my relationship with my own daughters and grandson. I am glad you are going back to college and paying attention to your own life. Try not to allow your SDs to ruin yours too much. Try and disengage inside your head as well as on the outside.
@lost in space: I think
@lost in space: I think lumping her with the others is what you need to do under the circumstances. I mean if you gave her the benefit of the doubt and did NOT include her in the ban from your home, etc. it sounds like it would have a bad outcome - for YOU.
I have two (soon to be former) step sons. The way I see it, one is ALL GOOD, the other is ALL BAD. But I have cut all ties to the "good" one as well because, at the end of the day, I feel that blood is thicker than water.
Now having said that, I actually have a suspicion that the "good one" (the older one) is NOT my husband's child - but, hey, the "kid" is 40 years old, I'm not even going to bring it up - except for right here.
But...he doesn't look or act a thing like either one of his parents. The "bad one" and MY son (ours) resemble each other (only MY son is GOOD looking and keeps himself up) but the "good one" looks nothing like them. And he thinks so differently from his parents - hell, he thinks like I do - weird.
That is one tough conversation that you had with your dh in the driveway. I hope you are okay. I'm proud of you for those "baby steps" - very proud. YOU take care of YOU. What class are you taking this fall?
edited to remove double post
edited to remove double post and I don't know how to delete - I'm sorry!
Update: The DH went to the
Update: The DH went to the park to see the OSD and GD. They spent about an hour together. After she texts him to send her the photos he took that were good ones. Not hey Dad, nice to see you, please forward me the photos when you get a chance....just basically demands them...typical.
Then the next day first thing in the morning DH is texting with the YSD to arrange a time to get his hair cut. (He put her thru cosmotology school and even though she doesn't work doing that anymore, he always has her cut his hair, never goes to a barber, who in my opinion would do a better job of it). Anyway, six hours later into the day he finds out what time he can go to her house and get his hair cut so then he lets me know. It is good he did not bother me with the details of working out when, but bad that he didn't even mention that he was going to do it that afternoon. So between the park visit the first thing in the morning the day before and the haircut the next afternoon, I really had no advance notice of his plans for the weekend. Then the rest of the time was mostly filled with him trying to catch up on work. We managed a little time together for a walk and meals, but just knowing he spent time with them and they likely thrashed me, just makes me on edge. It is certainly not like any one of them said to him that they want to work things out with me so we can get along....that did not happen. They did not send greetings back to me....sigh.
Ok...so anyway...he tells me that YSD told him the day after he saw the GD at the park, that she may have to be admitted to the hospital for a skin rash on her behind, MRSA...yeah the contagious one.
So I am so happy that I did not allow them here...that I lumped the OSD in with the others in my ban. Because...ALL of them know that DH cannot be around sick or contagious kids or people period. He is on immuneosuppresent drugs for the rest of his life. They all know that! Yet none of them care.
So I am glad I did not allow the GD to come here and sit on our furniture and spead whatever she has in our home.
So I guess it is good that he didn't hold her at the park, because she doesn't even know him really.
And I can add this to the list of the reasons I don't want to be around OSD ever again. Not that I needed more...her telling DH that she never liked me is enough in my mind.
And to update on the crimminal actions of MSD...she has her trial date this week I think. But last I saw in my recon missions was that the prosicutor is on her side and she will get a slap on the wrist basically....but she tells DH, don't tell anyone this because she doesn't want it to get back to BM because she was the one the idenity theft was against in the first place. I so wish she would get what she deserves and rot in jail. There is so much money she owes for fines and restitution for the bad checks she wrote forged against her now ex husband that she will never pay us back for the money she owes for the car DH got for her and everything else. In her mind she probably never would pay it back anyway. I am biding my time until I hand him a promissary note for him to have her sign.
What she owes would pay off what I will need for finishing my college degree!
Thank you all for the support...it is good to hear from those who have been thru it all that I am right in my thinking to exclude/disengage the lot of them. And ya know...even if I weren't...that is what I feel I need to do for me right now...so that makes it right for me now doesn't it.
KES...thank you for your comments and your remark about "My bios have been pleasant and respectful to my DH right from the first meeting with him, whereas my SDs have been hostile to me from the start, egged on by their mother." was right on with my experience.
I will take your advice and really work on it...."Try and disengage inside your head as well as on the outside."
OwnedbyPedro....I am ok. It feels good to stand up for my principles. Even when DH is so lost in his. I am going back for my Bachelor of Arts degree. The first class I am taking will be a lecture Art History class about Museuem management. It sounded interesting and will help me get back into the routine of school.
I am over 50 so it has been a long time!
Stepaside...your perspective is always helpful. I too do not trust any of the bunch. Even if one ever acted decent again I would suspect their motives.
As it was when the text attack happened it was really the first time the YSD ever texted me. If I had sent something to her by email or comment on FB I would always be ignored. So it was only when she wanted to hurt and attack me that she texted me. That incident got her phone blocked from me for good and from DH for several weeks. He was angry that she texted me...but when she said the same things to him he did not stop it. Her time out may have helped a little but from what I have seen she gets a jab in or guilt trip from time to time still. The MSD that started all this whole mess never communicated with me directly, the three text messages that I sent her to call her on her very bad behavior were not responded to. But she burned up the keypad with sending texts to DH to cry about how horrible I am. And both of them took the few times that I resorted to using curse words to be so horrible, yet it is fine for them to do when they are ragging me out to their dad or anyone else. Ridiculous. They are all blocked from my life now.
Iluvmykids said "my dh still has that same dream that everything will be perfect and everyone will get along. NOT!" ....it will not happen for me either.
I would rather be on my own than to ever have to see his kids again.
Newwife3 said "But I cannot fix him. At this stage in his life HE is the only one who can do that. And frankly I don't think he has it in him."
Addiction is a terrible thing to deal with. And you are right that you cannot fix anyone. I suspect that is a part of DH's MD problem. She admitted to abusing her prescription RX and mixing with Alcohol...yet everyone denies she has a substance abuse issue. DH heard her admit to it but wants to blame her issues on her 'mental' problems. Well duh...her 'mental' problems are supposed to be treated with the rx but everyone knows that misusing them and alcohol will make it worse! She is a master degree college educated professional who can't take her own medication correctly....she is an idiot...I have no pity for her. And that is part of the problem...everyone is supposed to feel sorry for her and excuse her bad actions. Not me...not ever.