Clearly as you said your husband spoke to her about her choice of location, both she and your husband are aware the town brings bad memories for you. Her response f "she'll just have to get over it" should have brought a response of, no she won't, you'll just have to move the location, from your husband. But he didn't do that. He really let you down a bit here. So I would think you not being anke to attend for good reason should be something he needs to understand, and I don't think you'd be baling on him. Lets be honest, you clearly feel unwelcome and unwanted. Your husband knows what's going on, he needs to accept his daughter doesn't want you there and he should not be putting you into that situation. Stop worrying so much about people who don't care about you. Stand up for yourself, and tell your husband the truth. You cannot go back to that town and you don't want to put yourself through that to attend a wedding where the bride doesn't want you. You won't be telling him anything he doesn't know. Your SD will find the karma bus coming around to pick her up sooner rather than later and she's not going to like what it brings her. She is a very nasty young woman. Stay away.

By the way, you are not being selfish because you feel this way. You have good reason. Your SD in choosing this town to get at you is selfish amongst other things, and your husband is being selfish if he expects you to attend this function knowing the history you have with the place and knowing what his daughters response to him was when he spoke to her. He allowed her to do this to you. That's selfish.

Or you could go to the wedding and have a total meltdown during the ceremony screaming, wailing and crying about poor mother's demise. }:) }:) }:)

Ask your DH if he's willing to risk your having a monumental breakdown.

I would do one of two things. Either I would not go, or I would go and look at it as a fun time to get a dress, mani-pedi, and have a fun evening out, drinking nice wine and dancing with my hubby. Forget the wedding part of it.

I agree with EBU...and I would have to add to that to ask why even your husband would consider going? If you were his daughter's mother as well as his wife would it be tolerated that she would do such a thing to her mother? Why should he tolerate it any less for his wife?

It's a terrible spiteful thing to do and your h must know that. By going to the wedding - with or without you - only sends the message to his daughter that it was okay to act like that

If it's too much for him not to go to the wedding, I would certainly hope he would go with a real chill in his behavior to her, do what he had to do and leave. At least it would send her a message he is pretty disgusted with her behavior...and more importantly demonstrate for you that he understands and supports you

Tough one. I have had quite a number of these choices but at a much more minor level. My SD us in to singing, choirs and classical concerts. Each time it has been no fun and the only person who wanted me or my son there was DH. SD did punishing behaviours to him for bringing me etc.

The kicker was he got upset when I recommended that we cut back my attendance to one in four.

I am sharing this because if we multiply by 1000 or more its the same old story but so much harder for you. Not going is by far the best option.

My recommendation is you have a good chat to DH and say. "Can you please help me?" Men like helping. "I understand that your daughter has done the right thing inviting me to her wedding." Praising daughter earns points. "I feel upset just at the idea of going to the town where my mum died. I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings but I am sure that the celebration will be wonderful and that my absence will not hamper it. In fact for some people it will be more relaxing for them."

If that sinks in ok then say "I think we should together send my apologies 2 days in advance due to flu."

You need to do this and protect yourself. I regret every time I was trapped into one of these events in nowhere near as stressful a circumstance. Do not do it!

How horrible of her. My SD is the same way. DH and I cut her out of our lives, but yet she finds way to make our lives hell. So sorry this is happening to you, what a bitch!!

That's right wowthishard. If she doesn't go they will talk about her. But, if she does go, they are still going to talk about her. That's just the kind of people they are. Personally, I think her husband should have put his foot down with his daughter on this one considering the circumstances. I'm guessing SD will be getting daddy to at least foot some of the bill, so he should have said - No change of venue, no cheque. I see his role in this as supporting SD in hurting his wife. SD sounds like an evil witch, daddy is worse. He had the power here, no change, no cheque and I won't attend. That's all he had to say. But faced with the dilemma, hurt wife or make daughter mad. He chose to hurt his wife. He does not deserve his wife's loyalty in this when he clearly supports his daughter putting his wife in a situation which could trigger trauma for her.

Attending a function like this used to be mandatory to me as well. I honestly didn't feel as if I had a choice as I would be judged harshly for any absence on my part. Clearly, I wasn't liked much or wanted, but not attending meant my DH might be slipping away from them apparently. Thus any reasonable absence was met by DH's family with an unreasonable anger that no one else's absence provoked.

After awhile I realized the sense of family obligation was one sided. Most of DH's family were going to judge me and dislike me no matter what I did. I recognized I was paying an endless tax for something I didn't own, my DH's divorce. It took a tremendous toll on me, my marriage and my child. All for my role as scape goat that didn't benefit anyone for good.

Once I did the unthinkable and stopped going to these type of functions, my mental health improved as did my family life. I realized life is too short to bind myself to people who spite me. My definition of family no longer includes those that abuse me.

It' surprisingly easy to stop attending these things even though it seems like the nuclear option now.

Your sd has given you the perfect excuse not to attend. Who could blame you for not going? What's she going to do, complain to people that you didn't go because your mom was murdered there and what a horrible person you are. This is actually the perfect exit event to establish a new norm. SD's ill treatment of you is clearly displayed and your silent protest will be understood and likely sympathized with. In my experience, no one gives you more understanding or respect than when you actually demonstrate "this is bullshit" and stop subjecting yourself to this kind of treatment.

Take care of yourself. By not going to this you will end the knots in your stomach and the sense of dread that accompanies these events. What's to fear, that she won't like you?

Most importantly, this is about much more than not attending the wedding. This is about you going to the town your mother died in. I'm sorry for your great loss. Time cannot erase that.

The way I see it, you want to revisit that town on your terms, with the support you need, without having an audience (I'm sure others in the wedding are aware), without being cruelly pushed into it. I think a visit to the town will be healing but that healing may be eclipsed by the anger you will have that you went there because of someone who basically said "I don't care about this tragedy in your life". Your sd shouldn't be in your peripheral vision or even worse, a primary focal point, when you decide to revisit this part of your life.

I recently went back to the town of someone who did me great harm, my only
association with that town was the person who had hurt me so much. That small little Midwestern town had actually begun to embody the evil itself in my mind. I went to a conference there because I wanted to hear the speaker and I was with my husband and other kind people who are a catalyst for good in that community and others. The people I met helped to eclipse the image of that town being a place of evil. Ironically this was just last wknd! It was very healing for me.

I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to go to the town your mother was murdered in because your sd forced you into it. You should give yourself the gift of consideration as no one else is. This will likely turn into a much needed lesson for SD and an exit strategy for you.

For me, I wouldn't go, don't do that to yourself. I agree with EBU, your DH really didn't have your back on this. It was easier for him to let SD hurt you, than to stand up for you. I understand it's her wedding, it's her day but at the same time it doesn't give her the license to intentionally inflict pain on you. Especially after he spoke to her and she still wouldn't budge, her response of "she will just have to get over it", perhaps that what your DH should tell her when you don't go to her wedding, oh well, you will just have to get over it.

I'd say you're wrong. It's her wedding, and she shouldn't pick a town based on how you feel. You're just a guest at the wedding, she's the bride and there's a groom. If the location is what they want, they shouldn't have to change it for you.
You don't have to go. And if you don't want to, just don't. It's as simple as that. Put yourself first. You don't like it, you don't go. Don't be afraid to make choices that suit you even if it means giving them shit to talk about. You shouldn't care. Just remember that if she's not a good person, she's not an important part of your life and what she says does not matter at all. It's your call wheter you go or not, and if it's uncomfortable for you, you don't go. Don't let anyone push you into that.
She has the right to get married in that town, you have the right to not attend.
Good luck!

One banana really, did you read this woman's story. This woman's feelings are not wrong,they are justifiable feelings. SD has chosen a town she and fiancée have no connection with and knowing the facts doesn't give a rats. SD is just being a bitch and playing games here. SD s wrong. But yes op has a choice. But like all of us, the first time we exercise that choice it's hard. When our husbands have daughters like this they seem to put pressure on us to make it all good they verbally bully us, get all hurt an angry, and turn it all into OUR fault too. It's not easy. To finally stand up to the pressure, but sooner later it will have to be done. If op wants to kerp her sanity. SD doesn't ge to pick a town at random knowing her fathers wife's mother was murdered in that town, it's a low act.

I always find it amusing that weddings are all about the bride. It's her day and so forth. Somehow it gives the bride licence for rudeness and plain bad manners and society justifies it by saying its her day.

Anytime you hold a function and invite people to it, you are supposed to cater for your guests. In this case her fathers wife has good reason not to attend. The selfish bride cannot be excused for having the wedding there because its her day. Bet it's not her money paying for it either.

Keepitsimple, you may be right about that, I don't see that anywhere, but perhaps i am misreading it. But I would find it odd that this place was found, booked, deposit paid and invites sent out without any discussion with family whatsoever.
You would think the day SD found the perfect tree, church, snake or whatever to be married under she would have told family well before it got to the invitation stage. If she didn't. Well it proves the point she is pretty selfish and self absorbed. If daddy or anyone else is contributing to this wedding then it's not all about what sd wants. These things need to be discussed with the person or people paying before you commit them to an expense they may or may not be prepared or able to afford. But as I said before if you invite guests to anything manners dictate you treat your guests respectfully. You don't invite anyone to your home or a function to make them feel bad.

If sd wants a wedding all about her. Elope and pay for it herself. If its all about the bride and groom, elope and both pay for it. Once you involve or invite others be mindful of venue, it may need wheelchair access etc., food allergies, some people have special dietary needs and so forth. In this case, seriously if your mother had been murdered in that town would you want to go.

However I respect we don't have all the facts. My opinions are based on the op saying sd had no connection with the town and sds comment, she will just have to get over it in particular. Perhaps op can fill us in on when she and dh actually did find out about the venue and if it really was too late to change, and if her dh is being expected to pay for this and the stress it is causing his wife by default

Hi I am brand new to the site have visited often but it was this post that motivated me to finally join because my 23 yo SD is getting married in 10 months and her wedding date coincides with the date my son (14) gets out of military school for the year. As soon as I realized this I asked DH to ask SD to change date and she refused. She (and DH) both think I should just let my ex pick my son up (it's a 3-4 hr drive). I am completely torn as to what to do and reading all these responses with interest. DH usually (99.9%) of time will cave to whatever SD wants and I am so dreading this entire year of wedding planning. I don't want to go but also do not want to have him go alone and have all his family see DH there alone and make assumptions about why I am not there. I am very upset and sad about it. We are in counseling and it's really not going anywhere.

You would think I would be happy SD is getting married and she would be out of DH's hair but as so often happens she is really not that into her bf, he is basically an errand boy/janitor/thug and her real love is still DH, who truly believes there is nothing wrong with their relationship. That is where we are stuck in counseling -- NOTHING and no one can convince him there is anything wrong with his relationship with SD, even tho it is destroying our marriage.

Let me tell you Backseat driver, nothing ever will change his mind either. To be honest in your case I get it. It's not as if your son won't be picked up. His father will be there to do that. But, understandably you just want to be there.

Counselling will not change your husband. Your husband sees nothing wrong with his daughter adoring him. Well, that's how he sees it. Truth be told she is manipulating him. My husbands daughter is also living with her errand boy. She tried for years to break up our marriage, and all those years dh did nothing about her behaviour. In doing nothing the message he gave her was, I'm happy with your behaviour, I love the way you treat my wife and myself like dog poo on the soles of your feet, so much so that every time you tell me to jump, I will come running screaming, how high. That's how much I approve of your appalling treatment of us.

Neither you, or any counsellor can change your DH. You can change yourself, the way you react to things, and what you will or will not put up with. You can choose not to attend her wedding. Just as over the years I'm guessing your dh has chosen to please himself and do things for sd that you were not pleased about, and you just had to suck it up, you too can choose to please yourself and go to see your son and dh can suck it up.

Be aware of this though your dh is not doing things for sd to please her. She thinks he is, other people, including yourself may think he is, but ultimately he is doing it for one person and one person only HIMSELF. He does what he does because it makes him feel good and if that upsets you, we'll, so be it as far as he's concerned. His attitude will be, that's my daughter and he has himself convinced he's doing it for her. He's not. He's doing it to fulfil a need in himself to keep daddy's little girl adoring him. He doesn't care, actually is probably thrilled that she does not adore her fiancé, as that means that he is still her number one man. Their relationship is unhealthy. Unfortunately while you and sd allow this unhealthy relationship to continue it will. You accepting it is condoning it.

SD will never let it go. Why should she. She would be mad to let go of her lap dog. Your dh will never let it go. Sd loving him, as he thinks she does is feeding his ego. So to is you being upset by his relationship with her. He has two women fighting over him. He loves it and he's not letting it go, trust me.

It's all up to you. This will only change when dh sees he has something to lose.

The day will come when you will have had enough. When you are ready to let go of him, really ready. He may then see that keeping this unhealthy relationship with her is going to cost him his marriage. Then he will have to make a choice. But until he is impacted, he will do nothing

Don't think,her marrying will fix this. It won't. So please do not build yourself into a false sense of hope there. She will then have babies. That is when your real troubles will begin. The baby may very well be her nuclear weapon in getting daddy all to herself. If you are second in line now, each baby will push you further and further down the line.

Your biggest problem is not your sd. She is a product of how your dh conditioned her to be. Your biggest problem is him. Your second problem is why you tolerate it. You however have the power to stop it. Finding the courage to stop it is harder, very hard. But hopefully once you realise he could not do this without you allowing it, you might just find the inner strength you need to fix this.

Men like this are at best extremely selfish. They do what they do to make themselves feel good. They convince themselves that they're not hurting anyone, even though they know they are. At worst, they are narcissists. Then you have a real untreatable problem on your hands and beating the narcissist at his own game is a full time, mentally exhausting way of life.

I haven't posted in a while, but had to jump in here. Let's say SD didn't know about the trauma of the location, and chose the location on a whim or for whatever reason. If she cared anything about you as a SM, she would have changed it and took the financial hit. Also the comment about getting over it was just downright nasty. And your DH should have spoken up on your behalf .. . but this seldom happens. My own DH allows SD (29) to pull passive aggressive stunts and looks the other way.

I wouldn't go plain and simple. Why would you want to be around someone who has such little regard for your feelings? Bow out now the hell w/DH. He certainly didn't step up and defend your honor.

Life is too short. Don't allow SD to play evil head games. And as someone else posted above, the karma bus will catch her sooner or later.

If she cared about her own father she would have changed it. But when the dads accept this from them the only option we have is to stand up for ourselves. God knows these types of fathers never will.

Op the first time is always the worst time. The first time you stand up for yourself, you will need the strength of Hercules. A couple of times after that, it's like water off a ducks back.

You have been blessed to be given this perfect opportunity to,say, NO, party's over and you will not accept this. Don't waste this opportunity.

Two people are responsible for this. DH for being so afraid to upset his princess in case she won't talk to him. And OP for not standing up for herself a long time ago. I know, the crap I put up with for fear of upsetting dh and causing an argument over sd was insane. I put up with it for 8'years, why. Because I was too scared to do anything about it. I bless the day I got pushed over the edge. Standing up for myself and refusing to accept any more was the best thing I ever did..

OP. Danielle has added a new comment but put it back on the first page. Scroll through and read it. Better still take it on board and hopefully gain some inner strength from it. She's been there, done that, and clearly survived.

Figured as much. May I ask, is dh contributing to this wedding. In asking just out of curiosity. Not because it makes one iota of difference to the severity of this piece of vindictiveness she's pulling. My opinion is women raised to think they can get away with this kind of hateful crap would fully expect they are entitled to have daddy foot the bill.

Okay, here's my point of view (and I always have one).

First off, if your mother was murdered there and it brings on bad memories, then I would do all I can not to go either to the town OR the wedding. I don't know why your SD had the cajones to do something that "evil" to you even after the fact however, it's up to you and your comfort level to stay the heck away.

Second, go do something with your friends. Heck, come over to my house and we'll go shopping together. I know it's your SD's wedding but after the way she's treated you, do you think you need to really be there to support someone who treats you like ****?

No.

If your husband doesn't understand, tell him that he needed/needs to control his daughter's mouth. Don't go if the whole situation makes you uncomfortable. The main thing here is YOU..not her. SD can have a great time without you..you can have a better time without the pain.

Stepdown, I totally see where you're coming from being by your DH's side but there is a line drawn when it comes to what has happened to me personally. If your mother was murdered in that town, I would NOT under any circumstances go where a tragedy took place, DH or no DH. There are a lot of unresolved feelings, a lot of anger, a lot of emotional upheaval that would take place that would ruin the SD's wedding and you are a better person than that.

Everyone here on this board is a BETTER PERSON than what their circumstances are. We've put up with a lot of unnecessary s*** because of our spouses and whatnot, to "be the better person".

Excuse me, but how much do we really have to take to make us the better person when we ARE the better person? I guess I see many things in black and white now since being a SM. Crap hit the fan with my SS, he's in prison, my DH is hurting and trying not to beat himself up for being a bad parent when it wasn't his fault his son is a (ugly nasty words inserted here) and he has a mother who can't stay the **** out of things when it isn't her business.

If I had one gift for all of my friends here who are hurting, I would give you a big hug and tell you that you count more than anyone else!!!!

This is one of the most vile actions taken by a step daughter. Just vile. I would be done with her after this. Done.

I would not go.

At Sd's wedding, she had a meltdown becasue DH would not take pics with her mother. Please note...SD had forbidden her mother to be at the wedding. Week before the wedding, she changed her mind. SS is trying to talk DH into taking pics with their mother. AGAIN WTF! SD and SS were 28 and 31 years old at the time. SAD...adults acting like toddlers.

Getting to the point, SS is getting married next year to a girl that he has been living with for 5 years. I am not going. I know DH is not happy about it. I told him this wedding brings up all the BS at the last wedding. We also had to block BM's number before we got married becasue she was call ALL hours of the night. I told him,if I went to the wedding, I want to beat the SHIT out of BM. I am not that kind of woman.

I had a feeling SD knew exactly what she was doing and was right. She did it to be malicious. . . this is something my own SD would have done as well. I feel when you maliciously try to inflict pain, the pain will be returned to you. That which you reap you will also sow. Call it karma or whatever. . .but I've not only seen it, but I've lived it as well.

Knowing this is even more of a reason not to go. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Backseat driver, sent you a message