Update SD, DH and land
SD and SIL put house up for sale a couple of days ago. Unfortunately, the agent was in the yard putting the sign up when DH got home from a trip. He was very quiet and said. He came in and told me about the agent in the yard and I waited then said "I don't know what to say." Because I really didn't -said for him, happy for me, although I don't think the problems will end if they move away. So he is very quiet and sad all evening and next morning granddaughter has the anticipated October horse competition and what does he do? Helps SIL load up 4 wheeler, hay, etc. on our trailer and drive to horse competition. I would not ever tell him not to go to her event, but really -- he goes from the previous night of feeling like they stuck a knife in his back, to being all helpful the next morning? I am at a loss. He is usually such a strong man and full of pride. Second day of competition is today and granddaughter did so well he wants to call the local paper and see if they will write an article about her. I know he is happy, but he does not seem to realize this whole horse subject is what is threatening our marriage. I told him I am not comfortable with having a reporter come around until the horse fence is removed as was agreed on. Several more weeks until the local election so I continue to feel this could reflect badly on me. Anyway, they "promised" to "compromise" and take it all away after the competition. SD just drove in so we'll see what they do.
Also, I was away for a couple of weeks helping my mom and when I called DH after I landed the first thing he said was not "how was your trip" "glad to have you back" or similar, it was to tell me that the land owners next door "haven't said yes, but they haven't said no". This is the land he is trying to get so SD can 'have her dream' of having horses live at home. I am getting sick over this.
Well, hope some nice folks buy their house. Guess he got to enjoy 'his' family living nearby, but 'my' family won't have the same opportunity. I understand they wouldn't want to live in that house anyway. I will have to tell the real estate agent that any interested buyers should know that the property is smaller than what it appears and we will NOT allow new people to encroach. But who knows - maybe DH will really like the new folks and not want to disappoint their children and let them do whatever they want too.
I have been reflecting on all the years we've been married and am astonished at how I just let small things she did pass. When looked at as the whole picture, she has done stuff to me and my daughter the whole time. Example: shortly before we were married, but had already moved here, she took BM with her to spend the night at DH's parents house. I thought maybe they had maintained a relationship all these years because of SD, but no, found out they hadn't seen each other in YEARS! Just getting a dig in at the almost new wife it appears. And SD was to take pictures for several days at DD out of town wedding. Guess what? "Camera malfunctioned" - no pictures from wedding (did have a photographer thank goodness). You get the idea. SD probably wonders what took me so long to realize she hates me?
DH almost home. We'll have the talk about why I'm not excited about contacting a reporter to do PR for granddaughter. I do feel sad that I can't share his happiness. Ordinarily I would be a good grandmother, but can't right now.

Thanks everyone, for your comments. It has really helped getting feedback from others who understand. The horse left last weekend, but the fence is still up. We'll see if they take it down this weekend. Horse jumps are still in the back yard also. I wonder how the real estate agent is explaining all of that? I will talk to him about the property lines.

DH and I had a long talk last weekend. At first he was only focused on how he didn't want SD to move. After we talked a while he said things will work out in time, but I said "No they won't, and I'll tell you why." I was actually kind of surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth. I mentioned some of the passive-aggressive things she has done over the years and he listened without interrupting or making excuses and I think he began to understand. I only named a few instances, didn't want to overdo it. I also became genuinely teary eyed when I told him I was sorry SD hadn't let me establish a good relationship with granddaughter. About ten minutes after our conversation ended he came into the kitchen and gave me a big hug and said he was a bad husband. I did really cry then because I was relieved that he finally seemed to understand and also because we haven't had any physical contact in about six weeks. I told him something like "You aren't a bad husband, this is just a really difficult situation for me." We haven't talked about it the last few days. We both had bad prior marriages and are happy to have found each other. As some of you have said, I just never imagined that an adult stepdaughter would cause such misery. I figured she was grown, married with a child and we would relate as two adult women - wrong!
Thanks again for your support.

I am curious - for those of you who have disengaged, how did you handle the first holiday season? One day my DH mentioned going out of town for Thanksgiving which would be fine with me, but my DD and SIL have no other family and they moved here away from friends to be here with us. SD and her family only have spent Thanksgiving with us about half the time. They are always with BM and SIL family. I think the real problem is going to be Christmas. I imagine after the first year of disengagement everyone knows better what to expect. I have not brought any of this up to DH, and do not plan to, hoping holiday plans will somehow come up naturally in conversation. At some point he will have to know that I am not buying any presents this year for SD and SIL and will not have them here for Christmas dinner. This was convenient for them -- come over after spending Christmas Eve and all day with BM and SIL family, eat dinner, get gifts and leave. I'm glad that I won't have to serve Christmas dinner this year after dark. But I'm thinking a real break from the Christmas routine would be better, like going on a cruise or something. We would have to pay for my DD and SIL and my mom and I doubt DH would take off with my family and not see granddaughter at all. So, I'm just wondering, how have those of you who have disengaged handled the first holiday? By the way, SD has told DH over past years that we are both welcome to join her family for holidays, but that always includes BM. At first DH couldn't understand why I didn't want to go, saying that their divorce was 30 years ago. I am OK with showing up for grandaughter events, but not holidays. So SD extends the invitation and I look disagreeable because I won't go. I don't think I will have to worry about being invited any more since SD had the big blowup with me on Labor Day. We haven't had any contact since.

It was interesting to read the comments about how to handle the holidays in the other thread. Thanks for the suggestions. Here's an update. SD and I have not had any contact since her tantrum in early September. They may have buyers for their house. They are thinking of building a house on their other land. The horse is gone, but the fence is still up. I have remained quiet about the fence for several weeks but said to DH the other day "Why hasn't SD kept her promise about taking the fence down?" He said "Huh? I hadn't noticed" but he went over and told SIL they had to take it down as agreed. I don't know what else was discussed, but a couple of hours later I received an e mail from SD. I think it was sent to both sides of the family, but I'm not sure. It was upbeat and chatty and was all about how they have decided they will donate $40 to charity instead of exchanging gifts. We are to let them know what charity. They included the names of their favorite charities if we want to reciprocate (SD's favorite is a horse group-ha) So - I didn't have any plans to exchange gifts or be with them at all. Fortunately DH left on a trip the next day and even though he was copied on the email, he hasn't mentioned it to me. Also, SD said in her e mail that I should let my DD and her husband and my mother know the plan to they can participate. I'm not upsetting my husband again while he is traveling. If he mentions it I'm just going to say I'm thinking it over. How am I going to get out of this? It has been over two months and I know she won't apologize; DH says she still maintains it is all my fault.

Thanks for all the good advice. I'm going to try my best to follow it. It is challenging since they live next door and share a driveway... As far as StepAside's comment "Your SD sounds young and naive" - She will be 40 in a couple of months, so wisdom has not come with age. She was 26, married with a child when DH and I married.

Our dog died. SD still a B. DH came home from two week hunting trip on Thursday with a sick dog. Spent Thursday night at the vet; could not be saved. The dog came home on Friday night and Saturday morning we had to let him go. I am a wreck because he was the sweetest of our three dogs and also because of all the heartache that has been caused by SD the past six months. It finally caught up with me and I have been crying a lot. DH told me several times while out of town that he wasn't enjoying his vacation; he was getting physically ill from the situation. I mostly just said "um hmm". He got home and told me he was afraid SD and her husband were going to make a big financial mistake - were going to build another house, can't afford it, blah, blah, blah. Also he was able to get the adjoining landowner to agree to sell a few acres so SD could still live here AND have "her dream" of horses out her back door. I finally had to say something. I asked if he was planning on buying this land for her and he said no, but he hoped they would buy it. Anyway, our sweet dog meanwhile, was at the vet trying to be saved. We had to let him go on Saturday morning. Later that day a nice flower arrangement came to the house. DH was out. I thought it was from the vet, since I received flowers another time from the vet. The envelope was addressed to DH with his cell phone number on it. I didn't open the card. He got home, opened the card and it read "We are sorry you lost (dog)." "We love you, SD, husband, granddaughter." The envelope was not in SD handwriting, but the card was written by her. If not for the "We love you" line, I would have given the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe the florist just put DH name on the envelope, but they put on the name you tell them, don't they? And SD and family certainly don't love me, so its obvious that dear dad is offered sympathy, but none for me. She knows I love the dogs; she has made sarcastic comments over the years, for example, I don't want them left outside in the winter when we are on vacation, etc. Comments are usually "They are DOGS", as in they are animals, stop worrying about them. Point being, she knows very well they are not just DH hunting machines, they are my house dogs, too. I thought that was pretty low on her part to send flowers and exclude me. DH talked to her on the phone when we were together in the car and thanked her for the flowers. I didn't say anything because he left on another trip today trying to get a new client for his business. I finally said something this morning and pointed out that the flowers/sympathy were only addressed to him. He said, "I didn't notice the envelope - I thought she sent them to both of us." I really started crying then and said "She knows how much I loved the dog." He said "That was wrong of her. I just didn't notice. I'm sorry." He had to leave for the airport so I don't know if he will talk to her or not. I wonder what explanation she will have if he does bring it up. OK, done venting, just so sad.

Dtzy - I saw your reply about focus on grieving and not on SD. That post is now gone - wonder what happened?

Should I stand firm or let it go? After DH told me SD was wrong to address the sympathy card/flowers only to him, he suggested we go out to breakfast before he left for the airport. We had a pleasant meal and did not discuss SD or any family issues. I missed his call from the airport - he left me a message about his flight, etc. with this sentence included "SD's looking good." Huh? Don't know if he meant its looking good that she is buying the land next door or that he told her she was wrong to treat me as she did over the dog. He called last night and I did not ask nor did he mention it. Should I just wait to see if he explains when he gets home? If he confronted her about her insensitivity to me I will be hopeful and pleased; if it is just more about 'her dream' being realized, I will be discouraged, to put it mildly. Secondly, the damn horse fence is still up. I think I posted before that he talked to SD husband a couple of weeks ago and her husband said he needed to borrow a tractor to pull the fence posts out. DH VOLUNTEERED to help take it down when he got back from his trip. Well, as soon as he got back we were focused on our poor dog. The fence was put up the first of June over my protests. Supposed to be temporary. Then after I asked about fence and horse first of September SD had the huge blowout with me; told me I was not going to tell her what to do. Then I went to an attorney who advised to send a letter since SD husband threatened to take land by adverse possession. DH took letter to their house but did not deliver. DH came back and said they would "compromise" and take fence down second week of October. They didn't, he volunteered to help. He is very busy with out of town trips the next couple of months. Do I just let it go or ask periodically about the fence? SD and I are obviously in a pissing contest over this. I was reading an old thread and came across this quote "One should never backdown from standing for integrity and dignity. What would we be then but a doormat for those who have no integrity to stand for?" So I guess my question is, is this an issue where I should continue to stand up for my integrity or just try to stay disengaged from SD? An impartial observer might think "What's the big deal - a fence but no horse in there any more.." I think at this point its the principle of the thing. She told me I can't tell her what to do on our property and every day I look out the window at the damn fence it stands as a symbol that she has gotten away with it. Should I ask DH again to tell her to honor her "compromise"? I have a sick feeling that his voice mail "SD is good to go" means she's staying and buying the land next door. Ugh. My DD offered to have DH and I for Thanksgiving so DH won't have to sit in our dining room and look at three empty chairs and look out the window and know they are not coming. DD's words. DH and I haven't discussed Thanksgiving. My mother says some holidays are messy and this is one of them. Amen.

Thanks again, especially since I know you have chores waiting! Me too. I'm going to get started right afater this. I wasn't going to mention the flowers again, I was wondering about continuing my demand that the fence be taken down. I wasn't clear about that in my post. I have been thinking about hiring someone to take it down as you suggest, but I know things will really escalate then. I'm beginning to sense a glimmer of understanding from DH and if I take the fence down I think he will view it as overly aggressive on my part and will maybe justify SDs view that this is all my fault. Also, SD works from home - crap! So, I'd have to have it done when she is out of town. Don't know her travel schedule anymore obviously. I'm leaning toward telling DH if 'they' and he are too busy, I will make the arrangements for the removal. He will still probably think I am being aggressive, but at least he won't be blindsided. I can't believe my marriage is suffering because of this. I have been guarded with SD the last several years since SD had a little too much to drink and laughed and boasted that she "really knew how to push DH's second wife's buttons". I felt sympathy for the first time for second wife. DH says SD and wife had a good relationship, but I don't know; it was during the teenage years and now SD admits to intentionally "pushing her buttons". They were married twelve years and second wife indicated she wanted to maintain a relationship with SD, but she would not. I've been mulling this over - and I realize that I AM now turning into the evil stepmother - DH said the other day if SD buys the land next door that he would give her an easement over our land to access it. I didn't say anything, but I won't sign an easement agreement. We'll see what happens. I don't think they can afford it.

Thank you for keeping up with the saga. It really helps to have somewhere to vent. DH sees the light-maybe? DH ordered flowers for me on Sunday, however, they didn't arrive until 5PM on Monday. He was out of town and finally asked me why I hadn't mentioned receiving flowers. He was trying to make up for SD's rudeness in sending sympathy flowers only addressed to him and I appreciate it. He included a nice card about how the dog was special to me. He finally asked this morning what we are doing for Thanksgiving. I told him my DD and husband invited us to their home and I accepted. Then he said SD had invited him to her home on Wednesday night for dinner, but he didn't know if he was going now because they "got into it" yesterday - on the phone, I imagine, because he was out of town. He said he would like to see granddaughter (15) and I said I would, too, so why don't we invite her to do something separate with us? I wasn't going to question him any more. I'm not going to question because I think he is finally beginning to see the situation more clearly (ie, from my perspective). I was thinking "What do you mean you received an invitation for dinner - only you - and you're going?" If it was Thanksgiving Day and he decided to visit SD and granddaughter for a while I think it would make sense, but she was going to have a separate dinner the night before for just him? Maybe I would have been more upset if he had left on Thanksgiving Day, I don't know. I don't think he will go. This is the first holiday since the horse manure hit the fan, so to speak, so I was curious how it would turn out. Hope all you SMs find some enjoyment in the holiday whatever your challenges may be.

Do you think I should say this to DH? First a quick update - SD's invitation to DH was for Thanksgiving Day, not the night before as he thought. He decided to go to her house the night before anyway and did not go on T'giving. So a couple of days earlier they had a big argument (he didn't say what it was about) and again he sucked it up and went over there anyway. He didn't say anything to me about the visit and I didn't ask. We went to my DD's house for T'giving dinner for the first time; it was nice. Now to my question. It suddenly occurred to me the other day that my DH is acting exactly like his siblings do with their adult children. It has always been a point of pride with him that his DD is the successful, respectful daughter/granddaughter of the family. He can easily see how rude and manipulative his nieces and nephews are and can't understand why his siblings put up with it; enable them and excuse their behavior. It dawned on me that he is now excusing the exact behavior from SD only she is abusing me and not him. I certainly wouldn't just bring this topic up out of the blue, but next time he acts like a wuss and says "but she's my DAUGHTER" should I point out to him that her behavior and his condoning it is exactly what he thinks his siblings do? I can only see two outcomes; either he has an 'aha' moment and admits that he is guilty of the same pattern of behavior that he has been so judgemental about, or he sees no similarity and I get blamed for comparing SD to her cousins. I try to keep repeating (to myself) some advice given to me a few years ago about a different situation "You can't have a rational discussion with an irrational person." It has been such a disappointment to see my DH cave in to the SD. I know many of you have experienced the same. Any thoughts?

DH asked me about new will favoring SD!!! DH casually says "We have birthdays coming up, don't we?" I say "um hmmm". Birthdays are clustered in December - DD, SIL, grandskid; SD in early January. We/I always buy for them, take to dinner, etc. I get zero (unless you count a text this year "Happy Birthday to you.") So we discuss grandskid present. I should have taken the opportunity to tell him that I'm not buying for SD and her husband and why, but I didn't. Then he asks "Do you remember if I changed my will so that SD gets that land when I pass?" He said "I think I had that land surveyed, but don't remember if I changed my will." I could have exploded. I told him that he didn't include me in those plans so I don't know what he did. After some discussion I told him that I do remember when the surveyor came because I thought it was about the neighbor who died, but when I walked over and talked to the surveyor, he told me he was surveying SD's "back yard", ie, OUR PROPERTY. DH had not talked to me about it before I saw the surveyor, but later told me he promised her she could have the land upon his passing. That was 2-3 years ago. I told him in future we should both discuss with each other anything that affected us both, such as transfer of land. I never heard any more about it. So he wants to know now if I remember if he changed his will! I told him I hope he outlives the mortgage, but if he doesn't he can't give away parcels of land that we still have a loan on. I was trying to stay in control but at one point did say "SD will just tell me how it is going to be" after you pass anyway. This was in reference to her telling me SHE was going to dictate how things would be here on our property and that I was to "listen to her" and "did I understand?". Conversation then moved on and DH said grandskid wants us to donate to charity for her Christmas present. I said I was aware of that, but said that I found it odd that the first contact SD had with me since August was the e mail telling us that they wanted donations to their favorite charities for Christmas. I told him that in the e mail SD told me to let my DD, her DH and my mom know the "plan". I told him that my family did not wish to participate. I realized later that he may just think they don't want to make donations to charity; what I meant was my family doesn't have any intention of exchanging gifts with SD or her husband or spending any part of Christmas with them. We talked some of grandskid; I said I would like to be with her separately and "do" for her. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I think that is his new way to end the conversation. So no, I didn't know about your promise to give land to SD until I saw the surveyor in the yard, and no, I don't know if you changed your will. If you are going to do things behind my back then don't ask me to keep track of them for you. That is what I really should have said. One step forward, two steps back.

Yes, the land and house are in both our names, but I don't think he's thought that through. He bought the land the year before we were married and I suspect he and SD both think it is more his than ours. I have pointed out to him that he didn't rescue me financially. (My credit score was and still is higher than his, although his is really good, too.) I had a good job and nice home when we married. I was upside down on the mortgage due to the real estate market, but it was in a large urban area, so I knew the price would come back one day and it has. DH convinced me to sign over my house to the Ex as well as my rights to Ex's pension so we would not have to deal with him in the future. I was married to Ex for 25 years so I was entitled to half his pension. I recently told DH if SD is acting resentful, ie, she thinks I'm spending daddy's money, then tell her that I was financially stable when I met him and I would have brought my assets to the marriage but he told me to sign them over to my Ex. WHAT A MISTAKE. I did tell DH it is none of her business, but maybe she should be told I'm not a gold digger. Anyway - it appears that SD has tried to turn the next door neighbors against me as well as DH's sister, who doesn't live nearby, but whom I get along with well. DH and I saw his sister this weekend at FIL house. DH Sister gets on the subject of funerals, arrangements, etc. (Their parents are elderly.) Sister says to DH "You want to be buried at X, right?" DH pauses, looks at me, pauses. Sister says "That's what your daughter says you want." WTF? SD is talking to her aunt about where DH wants to be buried? He seemed at a loss for words (which is unusual) so I said "Well, you are eligible to be buried there." DH still has the deer in the headlights look, so I say "or would you want to be buried at X, which is closer?" He finally said something like "I'll have to think about it." So, it looks like SD is enlisting aunt as an ally for dad's funeral. Does she think I'm going to fight with her about where he is to be buried? He and I hadn't talked about it in detail, obviously. Why does SD tell aunt this is what her dad wants when he, himself, hasn't decided? He's not that old and in good health, so I don't even know why she would be discussing it with her aunt. I wonder what else she has told her.

One more thing to add - DH told me the other day that he told SD she was "toxic" (yay!) but then he told me he talked to BM and asked her why SD was acting this way (WHAT???) He must have seen BM at SD's house at Thanksgiving.

I need a pep talk. I'm going to get blamed. I can see it now. Last night DH said SD asked him about what charity we wanted her to donate to for our Christmas present (as per her e mail a month ago.) He said she even offered to donate to my political party, which is not hers or DH's. He told her "no way" was she to give money to them. I reminded him that we already had this conversation; that my family and I do not plan to exchange gifts with her and SIL, only granddaughter. I reminded him that I even suggested going out of town for Christmas this year to change up the usual Christmas expectations and he said "That might not be a bad idea" but he left right after that comment and we did not follow up. He did not remember that conversation of a week ago. I think he truly did not remember and I try to be careful with such discussions because his mother has Alzheimers and he is very worried about not remembering things. Anyway. I told him again that my family and I will not be exchanging gifts with them and I left for a meeting. Today - he just called and said SD says what they want to do for granddaughters birthday (15) is for everyone to go to a local restaurant tomorrow. DH said "And she said 'everyone'. First thing that came to mind is that we already have an engagement that night for a community event I am involved in. DH said "Oh, I forgot about that." But then I realized that wouldn't end the situation. I told him we will talk about it when he gets home in an hour. I can see it coming. "SD has offered to give a gift to charity of your choice for Christmas and you refused." "SD has invited you to birthday dinner for granddaughter and you refused." "Why can't you respond to SD's kind invitations?" I am NOT socializing with her and her husband. I already suggested to DH that we do something separately with granddaughter. She may not want to. At that age she has her own interests and is loyal to her mother.

I need a pep talk to stay on course for the upcoming conversation. I realize now I will have to be even more direct with DH so he does not misunderstand. NO gifts (from me); NO socializing (with me); NO Christmas dinner at our house. He is free to spend birthdays and holidays with them as he wishes.

NoDoormat - that you for the response. I've been reflecting on your comments. I do not think we are anywhere close to a forgiveness situation here as SD tells her dad she is not at fault. For me, she would have to show some remorse, or at least some understanding of how her behavior (and her husband's) caused this situation in order for me to forgive her. I am not looking at it exactly in a framework of forgiveness, but rather as consequences to her behavior. Even though we are on the adult stepkids forum, many of these "adults" exhibit very childish behavior. I think there are, or should be, consequences for these skids actions no matter their age. We wouldn't give a second thought to correcting our kids behavior when they were younger and threw a tantrum. Well, maybe our DHs didn't give them consequences for their behavior when they were young and that is part of the reason why we SMs are in this mess now. SD threw a tantrum and I am putting her in time out.

I got what I wanted, but I don't think it counts. DH told me a couple of days ago that SD invited him to dinner at a restaurant to celebrate her husband's 40th birthday. (They enjoy ordering the most expensive item on the menu and specifying 'top shelf' liquor when DH is there with credit card.) I didn't respond; thought he might think it over and decide not to go. So this afternoon he tells me he got the day wrong and the dinner is tonight and he is going to go. I just stood there. He knew I wanted to say something and asked what I was thinking. I told him first that there was a conflict because I had a meeting tonight and my mom is visiting and afraid to be in the house alone at night. (She's 83 and our house is big and in the country.) He asked if DD could 'babysit' and I explained that she had a meeting also. Then I told him that in the years we have been married (13) we have never been invited to SIL's birthday. He just comes over to our house and picks up his birthday card and whatever gift card SD has told us to get. He says thank you and goes back home. DH said "I know, but they invited me this time and I want to perpetuate the fantasy of the big, happy, blended family." Well, he didn't actually say that, but he did say they invited him and he was trying to mend things, etc. I told him I understand why he wants to maintain a relationship with granddaughter, and to some extent SD, but I can't understand why he would socialize with SIL -- he has never liked him, and now he has threatened to take our land by adverse possession. DH said "He has apologized to me." I told him that I was the one who was threatened by SD and SIL and no one has apologized to ME." I left the room, but went back a few minutes later to tell DH I also do not like the idea of him going to this family birthday dinner because BM will most likely also be there and I don't like the idea of him sharing a family event with her when I am not there. DH had left to go to the store (to get birthday card) so I didn't get a chance to say that about BM being there. When he got back home he told me he called SD and told her he wasn't going because he had to stay home with my mom. I just said "OK". So he didn't go, and he probably thinks he got off easy - I should be happy because he didn't go and SD should be satisfied because she thinks he would have joined them, but he had an obligation at home. I don't say anything about SD and SIL unless DH brings it up, but he knows Christmas with them is out of the question for me and it is causing him to be sad and moody. I'm really looking forward to their absence, but won't be able to fully enjoy it with him acting wounded.

To answer some of your questions - the fence is still there, but the horse left in mid October. DH did talk to SIL and he said he needed to borrow his father's tractor to pull the fence posts out. Then DH VOLUNTEERED to come with his tractor and help. That didn't set well with me, and I said something briefly, but thought at least it would be gone and over. DH had several business trips and of course SIL never took the fence down. Early December is granddaughter's birthday and I didn't want to be a B and send people there to take it down and cause a scene and of course now its Christmas, so I'm waiting until after the holidays to remind DH I haven't changed my mind and still expect it down. I may bypass DH and just send them the letter written previously that DH didn't deliver. Since we both own the land and DH says he doesn't care if they have the fence, I don't know if I can legally have it taken down. Maybe another trip to the lawyer is in order. Part of the fence is on their land so I can't take that part down. I would say the workmen misunderstood and took it all down, but SD works from home so I its tricky. DH contacted the local paper a while ago as he told me he might, and they did a big article on granddaughter and her horse. So now I really look like a B because I am obstructing the horse hobby. I did send grand a text and told her it was a wonderful article - she replied "thanks". Next - I don't know for sure if BM was going to the dinner, but I'm pretty certain. She shows up for everything. SIL's parents and she vacation with them, and do all holidays, etc. Funny, SD and SIL banned BM's husband from their life several years ago so she comes alone. I just realized that. Actually I don't blame them; the guy is really creepy. They expect BM to come alone to all functions and now expect DH to do the same. Won't that be cozy? Gotta stop that. I knew moving here I would cross paths with BM due to granddaughter, but didn't want any more contact than that. Had to have a talk with DH a couple years ago when we hosted 4th of July and SD brought BM. I was shocked to see her sitting on my porch socializing. I asked DH if he would enjoy socializing with my ex and he said that is different - his divorce was over thirty years ago. Well, I was divorced fifteen years ago, but I don't care if it was yesterday. The only time DH has had to see my ex was at DD's college graduation. She opted for DH to give her away when she was married; she was estranged from her dad and still is (we both are). DH and I did talk a little a couple of nights before the birthday dinner invitation. He is so hurt by SD's actions and is very down about Christmas being different this year. Rather than stand up to her/them, he is groveling, in my opinion. It is the same pattern so many of you SMs have written about. I am so shocked at his behavior. He is a very strong man; raised to be tough and doesn't put up with anything from anybody, ever. I am "mad as hell at his stupidity" but trying to get through the holidays. My mom and DD don't deserve to have their Christmas ruined by this bunch. DD just had her birthday and we are doing some girly things. Also, DD is having some serious marriage problems now. And yes, I did get some satisfaction knowing that they had to pay for their own dinner.

I should tell DH he should be glad he is married to stepped on and not forgotten wife! He always asks for the check when we eat out with adult kids (his or mine). He has much better income and it is a treat for them, but SD and husband are making pretty good income now. Good enough to buy the horse farm, fancy trailer, fees for events and private school for grand. DH just assumes the fatherly role. I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't order the most expensive food and liquor. I was taught that was rude. I taught my DD the same. DD's husband picked up the bar tab at her birthday dinner the other night and they are really struggling because they are down to one income right now. We've only been to dinner twice with BM and it was this year - graduation and horse event. Everyone paid their own way since both were large parties.

Update on my Christmas. A few days before Christmas DH tells me he is going to go with SD and grand to a party at grand's horse trainer's. I was busy with my mom and DD preparing for Christmas, shopping, etc. so just said OK. A day or two later I was out shopping and he called and told me he was going to go out, but I didn't have to worry about getting back to take care of our dogs, that SD would come over and do it. I had to excuse myself from my mom and disappear into a rack of clothing at the department store. I told him firmly that I did not want that to happen; I did not want her coming to our house, especially when we were not home. He then told me that he and SD were going to go to dinner that night. I told him I understood that he was trying to maintain a relationship with SD and grand, but this made three invitations from her in one week (even though he didn't go to her husband's B day party I wrote about earlier.) So he told her not to come and didn't go to dinner with her as far as I know. I didn't get home until late that night. A day or two later he told me she invited him over Christmas morning. We discussed timing so DD and her husband would know when to come over. I told him I knew he wanted to see SD and grand on Christmas, but I was uncomfortable with him spending a couple of hours with BM on Christmas morning. He said what he always says; divorce was years ago, she isn't a threat to me, etc. I still think its very awkward, especially since SD and husband have banned BM's husband from their home. So DH was over there when I got up and he got back an hour later than planned. DD and I were up very late (3:30) Christmas Eve (at our own homes) so I was too tired to care. He brought back Christmas cards from SD, husband and grand for me, my mother and DD and husband. Previously she had said they weren't doing gifts this year, but wanted donations to their favorite charities and wanted to donate to our charities. That e mail was the only time she made contact with me in six months. I never answered her. DH told me several times she was asking what charity to donate to and each time I told him my family and I were not exchanging gifts with them this year under the circumstances. So he comes home with her Christmas cards (made out by grand). They actually picked appropriate charities for me, my mom and DD. DH thinks this was so nice. Ugh - now what? My mom says she will send a thank you note to show them what good behavior looks like. (Grand did not acknowledge the $50 savings bond mom sent for her birthday a few weeks ago). Do I send a note and say thanks, but your dad was supposed to tell you I did not want to participate in your charity gift exchange? DH also brought home a calendar SD makes for him every year with pictures of her and grand. He was so proud and wanted me to look through it, so I did and bit my tongue because it was Christmas. There were lovely pictures of SD and grand and then I flipped a page and there was the most Godawful close up picture of me. I blurted out "that is a horrible picture of me". DH was surprised and kept saying "I think you look nice; it isn't a bad picture, etc." I told him to just drop it let's move on. Then he said "I don't think she did that on purpose." Wow - I didn't say that, but I was sure thinking it. My own mother later mentioned that it wasn't a very good picture of me, without any prompting from me. I did buy several gifts for grand and told DH to let her know that my family and I would like to see her on Christmas Day, to come down and get her gifts. I have asked him several times now if he told her and he finally said he thinks she feels awkward about coming and also I am the person that won't let her train her horse here, etc. Anyway, DH and I had brunch with my mom, DD and husband; opened presents, had a nice leisurely day. While I was preparing dinner (with family's help) DH tells me he is going to go back over to SD's house since that morning she invited him back over later in the day. Again we had the conversation about his right/need/desire to be with SD and grand and I told him he would have the family together this year if it wasn't for her disrespectful tirade against me and lack of remorse or apology from her or her husband. I told him (not quite this blunt) that he had his visit and now he should stay home. He said "its about grand". Then it got to the point of me saying "go on and go" and DH saying "no, I won't go if its going to upset you". I will say here that he did try to make Christmas very nice. He came out of his blue funky mood he has been in and gave me a romantic card and very nice presents. So I kind of pushed him out the door and told him to go. He was back in about two minutes. I thought he changed his mind and came back, but he told me when he got there they were in their PJs and told him they were going to bed. It was dinner time and we just saw two cars (their guests) leaving the driveway minutes earlier! Oh - during our conversation about whether he should visit them a second time, he told me SD is willing to come over and talk after the holidays. I told him I do not want him arranging a meeting between us; if she decides to come to me of her own accord and sincerely apologizes, I will consider it, but I do not want him arranging a "meeting" between us. Why? so she can try to justify her terrible behavior? If she had any remorse for what she did, it would have been a long time ago. I wondered what, if anything, DH did about their Christmas gifts. Tonight he told me he gave money to SD and grand. Grand's gifts are still here. She is going with DH to visit DH's father tomorrow. It will be an all day trip. I told him if she doesn't want to get her gifts from me/us, I will take them back to the store. I didn't spend that much, but figured she should have something from us. I now know that he already gave her $100, so I guess she isn't that motivated to see what I bought. I am glad Christmas is over. On the bright side, my family was much happier - my DD and her husband did not have to pretend to socialize with SD and her husband who tried to proposition DD several years ago. DD's husband was happier than I have ever seen him on Christmas. Score one for us.

I didn't know he had given money when I bought the gifts for granddaughter. I thought she should have something for Christmas as the drama is between her parents and I, not her, even though it involved her horse. DH father gave him money for Christmas for us and to distribute to the family. He is elderly and does not live nearby. DH later told me he gave equal amounts to SD and DD and $100 to grand. Guess I will take grand's gifts back this weekend. DH says she is uncomfortable coming to our house. I thought she might at least come over and visit my mom while she is visiting from out of state. She is not her bio great-grandma, of course, but she always enjoys seeing her. She was not yet two years old when we married; she is fifteen now. Also, my mom for years has given her a $50 bond for her birthday (early December). She sent the $50 this year and did not get a thank you before she left home and did not get any note or visit while here for over three weeks. I've asked DH several times if he told her she had gifts here and he said he did and just thinks she feels uncomfortable coming here. I thought about sending her a text to let her know she was welcome here and non-bio great grandma would like to see her, but decided against it. If DH can't get her down here, so be it. After all, she lives next door. If I knew another girl her size and age I would give the stuff to them.

I am not giving any more gifts to SD - how hard is that to understand? Last night I noticed that DH printed a gift certificate for SD's birthday and made it from both of us. I told him before Christmas that I wasn't exchanging gifts with them. I left him a note that told him he would have to print out another one because SD doesn't observe my birthday so I am done giving gifts from me. DH and I had a conversation about a month ago about some PA things she has done over the years which I have not told him about. I told him last year I made a special effort to shop for her Bday in an effort to dispel the angry feelings I had. I spent several hours shopping and a good amount of money on a very nice gift. Two months later, what did I get in return? A text that simply said "Happy Birthday". I didn't even know she sent it until the next day. So, even if she had not exploded at me over the horse, I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to bother with gifts any more. I took the certificate with my name on it, so he will have to figure out a way to reprint it. It was a very generous amount to a spa for her fortieth birthday. He didn't even know it was her 40th. He mentioned something about her cousins the other night and said SD is what...42? 43? looking to me to answer. I would have just shrugged, but family was in the room so I told him SD is turning 40 in a few days. So I guess he remembered that I wasn't going shopping for her, but thought he'd put my name on the gift anyway? At least I found it in time. Have reservations for a special dinner tonight so don't want to ruin the evening discussing SD.

How do you handle DH socializing with BM of adult skid? Do any of you have that problem? I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that my DH was invited to SIL birthday but gave an excuse and didn't go after I complained to him and asked him not to go. He did visit SD Christmas morning and BM was there. He went back later that day but BM had left. Now he's invited to SD birthday in a few days and BM will be there again. I told him I knew going in to the marriage that we were moving near SD and BM and that I was prepared to attend grandskid events with BM, but I think this is getting out of hand. I asked him how he would feel if I was going to events at DD's and socializing with my ex. He says I don't have anything to worry about. I know he does not have any feelings for her; divorce was over thirty years ago, but she caused a lot of problems for him when SD was growing up and I just feel uncomfortable with him going to events with her there. I think DH and I should present a unified front; I don't like BM knowing there is a problem between DH and I. She knows SD has caused the problem. Also, as I mentioned previously, SD and SIL have banned BMs husband from their home. I told DH I understand if it is an event for grandskid that can't be changed, such as graduation, but for family events I think he should visit when she is not there. This is SD 40th birthday and she wants to go to a restaurant then to a movie. So, this would not be a big birthday bash where DH and BM might be mingling with different people. It will be SD, SIL, grandskid, SIL's parents, BM and DH. I didn't much like going to these events with him before the big blowup with SD, and he knows I won't go now, but I really don't like him going without me. In fact, he says he doesn't like going without me. Do I draw the line in the sand and tell him he'd better not go or else? (or else what? not sure what I'm prepared to do). Also, grandskid told DH something her mother, SD, said the other day that really hurt his feelings. He told me he is going to have a talk with her after her birthday. Geesh...don't want to interfere with the princess birthday party.

Thanks for wading through the long story. I have thought of marriage counseling, but I did that with my ex for several years and it didn't help and was just painful. This DH is really a wonderful, honorable man who loves me and shows it in many ways. This situation with SD is not the norm for our marriage, but it is driving me nuts. I tend to have a patient nature (was married to the ex for 25 years before saying enough is enough). This problem with SD does not even compare with the problems I had with the ex. I don't want to lose an otherwise good marriage because of SD's antics. Also, my DD and her now husband moved here, many hundreds of miles, away from jobs and friends to be near us, so it would not be easy for me to leave. I think if I am really firm and ask him again to not go, he won't. He wants everything to go back to 'normal' and thinks if he keeps accepting her invitations that eventually things will settle down. I have repeatedly told him nothing is going to change until SD and her husband show true remorse and apologize to me. I never thought I would be the immovable force - he is a very strong person; just not with SD apparently.