Not sure who you plan to issue your 'demands' to. Your husband?

Frankly, after reading your post from this summer between Facebook crap to the shower, I'm trying to figure out why you are attending this wedding at all. Why would you want to partake in anything for this little snot? And the Shrine of BM? I hope that's not BM's ashes sitting up there decked out with a Mother of the Bride corsage at the base :O

The whole thing just sounds as if you'd have a more enjoyable evening making dinner plans with your siblings, kids, nieces, nephews whoever. A mini family cookout with good food, laugher and great memories.

ETA... oh good, I see now the shrine isn't what I feared it might be.

Seriously, why go?

The day I go to a wedding where my husband is sitting next to a shrine of his former meth-head wife and her parents, is...well, never. First of all, he wouldn't do it. Why is your DH?

Go to the reception, get drunk, and have a good time as if you were at a New Year's Eve party. If DH wants you to go, that would be my compromise. There is NO reason for you to attend the actual wedding, you won't even be sitting with your husband.

I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. Well, on this site I have, but not in real life.

Your DH going along with this and asking you to go along with this is inexcusable.

ETexasMom I understand you have to do what you have to do. I only ask is this what YOU want to do? Because after my own wedding fiasco, I am firm believer in doing what works for you when it comes to these types of situations, including putting aside what your DH may want you to do. At least you do have some terms, which is something, but please stick to those terms, AND, what are you going to do if anyone tries to change those terms at the actual ceremony/wedding. I have certainly heard of that--even DHs agreeing to terms and then accidentally on purpose forgetting them. After getting ripped at SD daughter's wedding, I actually came to the conclusion that I will not be attending SS's wedding. I am very happy for him, despite both he and his now fiance were part of the fiasco that went on at SD's wedding. I am not out for revenge. I am looking out for myself and my marriage. I came to the conclusion that I will NOT let anyone piss all over my marriage, especially a couple about ready to get married themselves. If anyone should understand the importance of being treated like a husband and wife, you'd think it would be a couple about ready to get married? AND, I allowed myself to be fooled once. I don't intend to allow myself to be fooled again. My husband and I received an invite addressed to Mr. and Mrs. XYZ regarding his daughter's wedding which clearly implied we were going to be treated like Mr. and Mrs. XYZ, and then once we were there, the whole wedding party acted like I was a bothersome gnat that had to be squashed and BM was my husband's spouse or date or escort. I am NOT going to be fooled again. DH gets to go alone to this event and any future family type events where he is, I'm sure, going to be expected to be BM's date. AND, I can assure DH will want to go to very few of these events. Like pretty much all men, he wants to be with his wife and not with his ex- (should be no surprise there!). When his kids "forgot" our 14-year marriage that day, they lost the strongest advocate they had re: keeping some sort of relationship going between them and dad. That advocate was me.

BUT, if you must go, do what hereiam said, "Go to the reception, get drunk, and have a good time as if you were at a New Year's Eve party." Your situation is a little different since your SD did lose her mother, although in some ways, you'd think she'd appreciate a mother-figure like yourself that much more.

Please go up and take a picture of the shrine. And then go home and Photoshop it (two play that game) to include something like "lost to meth" as a big banner.

Or you could have a small discreet sticky label surreptitiously smacked on her shrine saying "Dead Meth Head". You could have a lot of fun with this.

Make sure that the photo shrine to meth head BM is a clear pick of her meth rotted teeth, sore covered face, and skull like visage so everyone gets the facts straight.

Have fun keeping it on your terms. }:)

This would be one wedding where I'd not care about drinking a lil too much and being a lot loud and vocal!

Regarding any invitation, there is an unspoken agreement that BOTH the inviter and the invitee are to be respectful. I see nothing wrong with declining an invitation, regardless of the event, especially if you were treated like shiatsu at an earlier similar event. An invite is an invite and not a summons to attend. It doesn’t really matter what the situation is, if you are invited to be a guest at an event and treated like you are an intrusion and your relationship with your spouse or SO is not respected, the shame is on the invitee. There is no shame on you. No one has to attend an event where the odds are pretty high they are going to be fricasseed and fried on arrival. That doesn’t even make sense. No one else would ever be expected to put up with such nonsense, except a step-parent (a/k/a dad's wife or mom's huband), of course.

You are actually going on her terms. Just don't go. Stay out of it. The shrine is obviously SD trying to get back at you. Let her be pathetic by her own self and leave yourself out of it.

I would NOT go. You are not welcome, your kids are not welcome, and you are really not wanted by DH's daughter to even be there. At my age, I really have stopped caring what others think of me.....the ones who don't give a crap about me. Why show up at this farce? You say you have siblings in town. THOSE are the ones to spend time with!

Been in your shoes and it is a terrible place to be. First of all I am a very giving person by nature and in the case of the skids I am really trying to stop myself but here goes my wedding nightmare with my SD.
We were given a three month notification. I was invited to the bridal shower but did not go because I already had plans to go out of town and had already purchased the non refundable tickets. I was actually relieved about this because of all of the BS that I have lived with this SD and her mother. I did however meet her during the week after the shower and give her really nice, specially ordered gifts. Also gave her gifts from my daughter. Neither of us ever received a thank you card.
DH had to pay for anyone in his family that they chose to invite. He wouldn't have invited some of them but we had to pay. We paid for her flowers (I found the florist for her), the limo (I found the limo company as a friend used to drive for them) and the DJ (her pick and very expensive). Then an entire table of people showed up (not invited) that we paid for. Also paid for the person that performed the ceremony because they forgot the money. We also were the ones to tip everyone. How did we do this? My husband borrowed all of this money from his retirement savings. Yes, I am not happy about this.
Going into the wedding planning SD was putting me at a table in the back of the room. She was putting her mother and father at the same table along with her divorced grandparents and the grandfathers new girlfriend. DH put his foot down.
We asked that our two best friends be invited. DH told us that she sent the invite, she lied. Once caught in the lie she mailed a hand written invitation on a note card. We were so embarrassed. They were not going to attend because of it. I begged them to go because honestly I needed a friend to be there.
When the announced every one I was not included.
When they took photos I was not included.
Long story short, I went and it was OK but only because my friends were there.
The princess had her day.
The end.

ETexasMom, As another poster pointed out, there can be a big difference between what is planned and what actually occurs. I am very concerned that you will go to this wedding, thinking your 'terms' have been met, thinking that DH has your back, thinking that sitting with your kid at the wedding will somehow make it OK to be treated like dog doo from everyone else, then the true picture of what is really happening will set in. Idvilen wrote, "Regarding any invitation, there is an unspoken agreement that BOTH the inviter and the invitee are to be respectful." It is more than clear you are being terribly disrespected by both your SD and your DH. He seems to be patronizing you, joking about handing him the Jack, so you don't get all over his case about his lack of support for you.

You wrote, "He's not too happy with the shrine and photo crop or having to take two days off work." He SHOULD be more MAD than "Not too happy". You also wrote, "DH wants me to go. He says he doesn't want to be left alone with his ex's crazy family." Your DH is thinking more of himself, not even considering how this is affecting you. If he really wants you to go he will insist you are treated with respect, not shoved in the back of the room.

The idea of him sitting next to a shrine for a woman he hasn't been married to for several years is absurd. If he can not gather up the courage to inform his daughter that he will walk her down the isle, then take the seat next to his wife, tell him to drop you off at your siblings while he attends the wedding.

A little bit of a silver lining for having a totally worthless SS - I doubt he'll ever have a wedding. He's never graduated from anything unless you count aging out of juvie after 3 1/2 years.

He's had this girlfriend for almost a year now (a record for him), and she's pregnant. They are moving into a house that her mother bought. But no wedding on the horizon. I would not go to a wedding for any man with his history of domestic violence. I'd want to get up and scream "Stop this travesty".

I'd be okay with DH going as BM is now remarried to a total control freak. They are in a very fundamentalist church where the man calls all the shots. No way he would ever allow DH and BM to even speak to each other.

I'd just plan a really fun trip - like to Europe. DH would probably choose to go with me but I wouldn't push him too. DH loves his son, but he doesn't really enjoy him.

Just stick with #4 and you'll be fine.
Pretend you're going to an acquaintance's wedding and don't get caught up in the theatrics.
Shrine has nothing, zero, zip, nadda to do with you. The drama, the seating, exclusion, all their circus not yours. That train wreck was in motion long before you came along.

Have a good time, enjoy the show!