Holidays...ugh
I really hate to dread the holidays. So SD and her family moved to our town about six months ago. Thanksgiving is over but I’m dreading Christmas. Which I really enjoy as a rule but the dynamic of her and her family being in our house for hours is just physically painful to even think about. I don’t know how I’ve endured their weeklong visits before they moved back. I guess it makes me realize just how bad it was.
Anyway, what’s so bad is how poorly they parent their children. We are talking about two 30’something year olds that are immature and lazy. Thanksgiving dinner consisted of mom yelling across the table “if you do that again we’re going home!” Empty threats as usual - or in my case empty promises - haha! Then her husband saying the kids names over and over while the whining just escalates. They came back two days later and stayed for hours while I was trying to decorate the house. DH managed to,disappear twice for a long time which just pissed me off royally.
I have tried mental tactics for myself to deal with them but they only work for so long. I finally disappeared myself both days and didn’t come home until they were gone. I feel bad doing that because i do enjoy the grandkids, who behave far better for us, and I’m the only grandmother they have. My plan is to have a chat with DH and suggest that he tell the parents when they come over, they’re off duty and he will be in charge of the kids. They can just sit on their backsides and stare at their phones or the tv like they prefer. That way there will be no yelling at the table or elsewhere. The other thing I’m going to ask is that he be present - no disappearing and leaving me with his family. I know they get on his nerves, too, but too bad. They’re his! He really enjoys being around my daughter and her family that live in town. They’re the complete opposite - mature, engaged parents and people who are enjoyable to be with. Would that be out of line to ask? So many of y’all here have it so much worse that I feel bad complaining but it’s bad enough that I got a prescription this week for anxiety medication to take before they come over.
Your description of
Your description of Thanksgiving dinner reminds me of when XOSD used to bring herself and her offspring to dine with us- she once burst into tears on Boxing Day and sobbed at the table because she had gone on a diet (again!) and couldn't eat any of the nice things in front of her.
Does DH ever go there for meals? Maybe he could try that and give you a break.
I would hold back from telling DH how he should take charge of those kids, however, just because it could be misconstrued by him and really because he just isn't the parent. I know it is difficult to intervene without opening yourself up to hurt. I discipline my own grandkids when they come to my home when my property is involved, but they are my own grandkids and not someome else's.
Have you tried having the grandskids around without the parents? We did this a lot and it was much better (I even used to have a quiet word with the grandskids behind TheX's back!) When the parents are there it is a whole different dynamic.
The thing about him disappearing though has to be addressed, as this is just what TheX did when his family visited- he'd disappear into the kitchen and leave me to engage and entertain his family, which usually consisted of me pouring myself a very large glass of wine, and then another, and then another... when I'd had enough and suggested that from then on I would do the cooking he stopped inviting them-which was a sort of victory in a way, but then got turned around into me not making them feel welcome etc etc.
The fact you have to self-medicate before they arrive is not a good thing- does DH know this?
Sometimes for our own sanity we have to let go of the toxic- and disengement is one way to do this.
They get on his nerves too- really? Then let him deal with the whole thing-next time they are around find something else to do for yourself- or maybe take the kids to the park, which is another thing I tried. The family occasions when I used to sit in the garden and play with the real kids because I couldn't deal with the big kids indoors were innumerable.
Now I am sure they get none of that...
Doubt he’d ever go there
for one thing I doubt she’d ever invite him to her house. And he has made it clear he’s comfortable in our house only - he says we have plenty of space (true) and he wants our house to be the center of activity.
We have just the grandkids quite a bit. We are the only grandparents still alive for them. They behave so much better for us - they know the boundaries and the consequences for misbehavior and seem quite happy to operate within the parameters. If they get too out of sorts, they know they will be taken home because we carry through with what we say.
I’ve done the wine thing! Too many times. And no, he doesn’t know I got medication. I think it would hurt his feelings if he knew this. But then again, maybe he’d understand just how intolerable it is for me. He’s told me things that he can’t stand before and I try to not be the reason for those things happening to him. For example he’s an introvert and he’s told me it’s physically painful for him to have to share a meal in a small group setting with casual acquaintances so I don’t put him in that position. Well, it’s physically painful for me to tolerate his family’s bad behavior! I get this “flight or fight” response and I have to restrain myself from literally running out of the house.
When my family is over at the same time as his, I find it more bearable as I can concentrate on them. Plus SD and her husband behave better in their presence. They let their guard down when it’s just us and act like their terrible, old selves.
This is my world too
I identify with your description of the holidays. I too am dreading Christmas. I too wonder how to survive. I too have had DH disappear. I am thinking of doing just that myself. I am scouting around for yoga studios open, head off to a class, maybe even just a walk Anything to get out of the house. UGH.
I’m so sorry
It truly sucks! Disappearing is my last resort and I’ve had to do it too often. Makes me sad that we don’t enjoy our own homes during the nicest times of the year.
Communicate now....
You have to learn to say no. I would not depend on your DH to fix this, thus you are wasting your time asking him to do so. I would tell your DH it is getting on your nerves and you are going to correct the problem in your home from this day forward. Stay calm and civil. No blame, just address the grandkids with what you would do to calm it all down at the moment, as if it were your children in the house.
If no one likes you, maybe they will not come over as often, or maybe the will change their behavior. Ask SD to assist you in cleanup, or better yet, ask DH to help ALL the time they are in the house. Do it as it arises; spontaneous actions are much more effective.
I let my SD get by with breaking the rules for 30+ years; when I finally took steps to change it, I regained my home and peace. Do not let this go any longer, it is more difficult to correct. When she comes to visit now, she behaves.
Our grandchildren did all the usual kid stuff. My SD cringed when I CALMLY corrected it. Later my SGD told me "I will discipline my daughter, not you". In return, told her, " I will take that as....you will do it in my home as well". We now have an understanding and respect in my home.
It's like "saying no". Good luck..
The grandkids are fine mostly
My biggest problem is the parents. I don’t know what to do about them. They are the ones that create and cause the chaos that reigns around their visits in our home. When it’s just the grandkids, we do fine. It’s not that they don’t discipline the kids (and honestly I wish they wouldn’t at our house - let us handle it) it’s that they do and how they do it. Her raised voice makes everyone uncomfortable and her husband is so ineffective that it’s a joke. He’s usually looking around for anyone else to do it. They’ve created an atmosphere where the children are in control - they’ve learned to rule the roost by their behavior. So when they come into our home the kids do with their parents what they’ve been conditioned to do at home. That’s why I’m wanting to suggest to DH that he or we be in charge of the kids when they’re at our house with their parents. My kids were raised to understand that parents are in control - not the other way around. They weren’t perfect but I’m thankful that now as adults they’re pleasant, responsible citizens that people don’t dread to see coming
I would bet my SD would say exactly what yours did, sammigirl. She’d be the type to get into a power struggle and then we’d be worse off than before. So my thought was if DH puts it to them like “hey you can take a break from parenting duties while in our home,” my hope is they’d jump at it in a positive way. Then it would be calmer. I’ve got to do something to change the dynamic. I fear for the future if something doesn’t change. I don’t want to be dreading every visit the whole family makes to our home.
I read your entire post
I read your entire post thinking the grandkids were 30-something and their parents had to yell at them to stop whining. Sadly, it didn't seem unbelievable for StepTalk.
How about a kids' table, even if there are only two of them? Kids in my family don't join the grown-up table until they are old enough to behave. The parents can go yell at them at another table.
I, am also dreading Christmas
I, am also dreading Christmas with an SD that thinks that parenting is a magical thing that occurs by osmosis! Thankfully this year I have managed to get DH to agree the BM is not welcome, so tat will reduce one lot of stress and anxiety but there is still the SD, her 2 brats and ineffectual husband to deal with.
I wish you luck and peace for Christmas
Oh mercy - BM has been in the
Oh mercy - BM has been in the mix! No way would I want that. My DH is widowed so I don't have that dynamic to deal with but wow! So sorry you have. How long have you and DH been married? It sounds like you have a similar situation to deal with. I'm not sure I could make it without this site and the people here.
Wishing you the same for Christmas!
Well, we talked...
Not sure it made much difference but it was an open and honest communication and no fight broke out so I'm calling it a win. He was talking about his SIL and how odd and immature his behavior is so I took that opening to talk about what the dynamic of all of them in the house does to me and what we could do to try and mitigate it.
His stance is that neither his daughter or her husband will ever change and she gets angry any time he says anything to her. He said the other day she had asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he told her what he wanted wouldn't cost a thing and that was to speak nicer to her children. They are 7 and 4 and she gets so incredibly angry with them over the littlest things. Her response was to get angry with her father for saying that. So how do you deal with a person you can't even communicate with? I told him by allowing her to behave the way she does when she's in our home feels like we are abdicating the control in our own home to her. Which is exactly what has been happening since I've been in his life. He didn't have an answer but I know he will think about our conversation and the things I said. His biggest fear is she will get pissed and never speak to him again and not let him see his grandkids. I called BS on that - she enjoys the perks of us being right down the road too much to do that and if it happens he should call her bluff. But he's not willing to risk that.
I told him when I hit the point of not being able to take it anymore then I leave and he commented that he thinks I leave too quickly. Well, better that than to say something that I'll regret. I also told him he needs to be physically present in the room when they're here. He thinks he can be in his office about 10 feet away and keep watch over things and I said, no, not good enough. I also told him I got medication to help when they come over and he asked if I'd share it! Haha.
I just see a hard road ahead if we keep allowing her and her anger issues to rule when they're in our home. He thinks we're already having a positive influence on the grandkids and I hope so, but being raised by the two idiots who are raising them doesn't give me much hope for their future development. Sammiegirl, I see a future like you're experiencing. I'll just eventually be completely disengaged (I am to a degree now when she's in our home) and I just pray her daughter doesn't turn out the way she is.
I have an appointment with my
I have an appointment with my counselor this week and I’m so looking forward to it. We have a very good relationship and I haven’t been in a few months. I think I’m going to get back on a regular visit schedule with her for a while. I’m just disheartened to think of every holiday being dominated by this ungrateful, rude adult SD. I want to love her but it’s impossible. I can love the grandchildren but I see attitudes developing in them from their awful parents. My DH was a widower before we married so she lost her mother just after the first grandchild was born which was terrible but I think she was the way she is not because of that.