Husband Visiting Family
Okay, I need some feedback here.....like many of you there has been a great deal of tension between me and my adult stepsons and my inlaws, to the point that we do not talk and have not in several years. Last summer I went with husband to one of sister's houses for a visit and it was incredibly uncomfortable, I was obviously not accepted which is fine, the feeling is mutual. So the rest of our stay while in town, husband visited his family while I went shopping.
Here we are again a year later. This time husband decided to go to a family reunion I knew nothing about until he started looking for airline tickets to go. I wasn't too thrilled with the idea that he was going to this reunion. He has a right to have a relationship with his family and I do not want to come between him and them. Yet, I feel very unsupported and almost betrayed in a sense that he has never stood up to me to his family. The family took sides with a situation involving stepsons and my daughters serval years back, sister-in-law over-stepped her boundaries and became too involved. She has also made negative comments to my husband about me which I do not appreciate yet he just says, "that's my sister," and never puts her in her place.
My adult daughters also knew nothing of this family reunion until they saw posts on FaceBook. The only apology made was that they gave out notice to all family members they had email addesses for and that family was supposed to pass on the word. Which means that husband was supposed to tell OUR family and he didn't.
So it feels like a double-whammy sting. Just wondering how you would feel and what is your thought on this?
I would be pissed. You need
I would be pissed. You need to read about boundaries and help him understand boundaries. This is wrong.
Only you can tell...if your
Only you can tell...if your DH didn't tell you about the reunion email to avoid "conflict" / not-being supportive of you or if he just plain forgot to tell you. (My DH says avoids telling me things and claims he forgot all the time [liar]. He thinks it is because it will be less grieve for him not having to listen to reasons why I don't want to attend things, etc.)
Are your daughters going to the reunion? If they are going, I would go to support daughters and DH, even though it will be hard. You and your daughters can hang-out and have a nice time. (bring a game to play).
If daughters are not going and you really don't feel you want to go, then take a little spa vacation yourself, but give DH your reasons why you don't want to go, why you will feel uncomfortable and it is stressful on you, BUT he should go. And tell him, not to make excuses for you at the reunion if you don't go. Tell them all that you would have felt unwelcomed and uncomfortable and felt it was better not to attend.
If you do go, hold your head up high, be happy, be yourself, minimize conversation and don't be anxious because you are a valuable and caring person. If you are polite, courteous and ignore/walk away from any family-BS-drama, you'll make it through (years of practice on this one myself!)
Best of luck and let us know how it all turns out.
The reunion is going on right
The reunion is going on right now, and my daughters did not go. I am looking at taking a vacaton once husband gets back. This reunion came after a full week of fishing with a buddy in Canada and time on the road with work before that so I basically have had a month to take care of everything at home. I need the break!
I finally hired a yardboy to take care of the grass, just too much. Husband then says to me, "now that you have shamed me by hiring someone to cut the grass....." What in the world? Geemany, if he was here that's one thing. I did not shame him, that was not my purpose for hiring someone to cut the grass. I don't want to do it anymore and it does not seem important to him. But typical passive-aggressive behavior, he has to make it look like I am the baddy and he is only wishing me well, ha!
I'd be pissed. He should at
I'd be pissed. He should at least have discussed with you his plans on attending.
Sounds like childish conflict-avoiding behavior.
You have not gone in years,
You have not gone in years, so why do you even care? Standup for yourself dont put on others do it for you.
Grow up...
Everyone gave you great
Everyone gave you great advice. My advice for your daughters is to unfriend all of these people on fb and count their blessings that they didn't have to be subjected to all that hate and disgusting behavior once again instead of being hurt by those fb posts. Given that these people have been so mean to them, why were they hurt by those fb posts? Why are they even fb friends with any of these people (including DH)?
I also agree with csa in that I'd gladly not go to this.
Yeah, I agree with that.
Yeah, I agree with that. "Grow up" isn't exactly the most eloquent way to get a message across...
Wait you call me immature for
Wait you call me immature for telling someone to grow up and stop expecting others to stand up for them when they should be doing it for themselves and then use:
"Hmmmmmm, need a mirror?"
Really?
It's ok to get upset, feel hurt and at times be pissed, but in this case she does not want to go. so why care? The extended family members tell her to go, and sicne she does not want to actually deal with the problem she has acoided it in teh past. The solution is simple, dont go, and dont worry about it. Let him and the kids go and have fun, and go she can do her own thing.
ok, I get it you agree with
ok, I get it you agree with me but think I am a meanie pants..
Gotcha.
Totally agree with you!
Totally agree with you!
Don't go...If people are
Don't go...If people are toxic you don't need to be around them. My in-laws did something similar and are no longer welcome in my home. DH is welcome to see them, just don't ask me to. They had their chance with me and unfortunately they abused the opportunity and I will not give them a second chance. Especially since they had the opportunity to apologize for what they did.
So the problem here isn't
So the problem here isn't that you weren't invited - you hate every last one of them anyway and wouldn't be caught dead in their company.
The problem is that husband didn't inform you that this annual giddy up is coming around again. He probably didn't want to hash all this crap over again. No offense - but the ladies like to yak about stuff like this for years on end. Most men will thrash it out once and good or bad its a dead issue.
So - you hate going - you've made it clear you're not going in the future - the future is here - you're not going - so why mash it all up again?
exactly my point earlier.
exactly my point earlier.
For the first years of
For the first years of marriage I went to every event my hubbys family had. Even though I knew that his family could not stand me. It was painful and uncomfortable to be in a place where people are nice to your face but are giveing each other the eyes - basically poking fun at you. I was determined that my hubby would have a close relationship with his family. I was not going to be the cause of a divide for him. The final straw for me was when they had a baby shower for my step daughter in law and invited an EX-girlfriend that had talked trash about me for years. I was so hurt they would do this. I showed them all by being a perfect southern belle...all nice and smiles...did not give them the satisfaction of being angry even when this woman told me my hubby of 9 years really had meant nothing to her...WHATEVA... But it made me realize they would intentionally hurt me when given the chance. I now am able to decline invitations without feeling the least bit guilty. Hubby threw a fit with them over this and told them neither he or I would be attending any functions unless the guest list was submitted for review. My hubby is the best. He has my back at all times. Bottom line...Go if you want...Don't go if you don't want to. You are not missing anything...they will sit around being mean to someone else during the function. Your hubby should go if he chooses. Obviously they treat him differently... But no one should go where they are mistreated...
Sure do understand.....one of
Sure do understand.....one of the comments I heard when I was first introduced to the family was, "Not everyone fits into our family, it takes a certain type." Well, it became very apparent to me that I wasn't that "certain type" they were willing to accept so definately I have always been on the outside. Thing about this is they claim of themselves to be "such good Christian people." Somehow I am missing their kindness.
I'm sorry your daughters
I'm sorry your daughters caught the reflected abuse intended for you. I would say continue with your policy of having a good time elsewhere, but ensure that you explain anything that your daughters don't know about the background to them, suggest they unfriend all relevant people so they no longer get any reflected abuse, and enjoy life away from these toxic twits.
Yep, that is exactly what
Yep, that is exactly what happened.
"i totally appreciate that
"i totally appreciate that you
new Submitted by realmccoy on Wed, 06/06/2012 - 1:21pm.
i totally appreciate that you are commenting from a man's perspective. i'm not sure how to gently say that sometimes some women need to hash to get a thing out of their system...?".
Hash it out all you want just don't involve your husband AGAIN. Do it here, do it at church, do it at work during lunch or do it at the park but leave HIM out of it.
OrangeCo, how do you then
OrangeCo, how do you then deal with a passive-aggressive if you do not confront the issue at hand?
And OCC, if a guy has his
And OCC, if a guy has his head in the sand, how can he see the missiles coming at his wife? Not discussing stuff can lead to repeat disasters.
EXACTLY! My counselor told me
EXACTLY! My counselor told me that husband is passive-agressive and is in serious denial. I am actually leaving for a month to try and get my head on......23 years of this garbage has been too much. If anyone esle here is dealing with a passive-agreesive spouse, FaceBook has a group called Passive-Agressive Spouse Support.
I have often wondered if all men were this way as I have run into some many wives dealing with the same issues.
csa it is her husband's place
csa it is her husband's place to stand up for her with his family. If she does it it only leads to further drama and resentment which could all be avoided by her husband simply telling his family to respect his wife. I am at a loss to understand why people cannot understand it is not the in-laws place to stand up for his or herself with the inlaws. I would never allow anyone in my family to disrespect my husband, he on the other hand has no trouble in "not seeing or hearing anything" whenever his family were rude or disrespectful, so after 8 years of trying to do the right thing by him and his family and trying to keep the peace I gave him one last warning, and told him to speak up or I would, he said YOU do it, I did and the result is, everyone in his family is angry over it. Now, it did not have to be this way, he should have demanded respect for his wife years ago and I would not have had to get involved. AVR1962 I support you completely. I also think that leaving your husband out of this and not discussing it further with him is not the way to solve it, I get that your husband would love it, but not discussing this, not being able to reach a compromise through discussion is not going to change anything is it.
I agree - it is the husband's
I agree - it is the husband's place to insist his family respect his wife. The reason why is because of personal experience with my ex's family. He would not stand up for me - no matter how dire the situation. One time his brother called me a filthy name. He just sat there and did nothing. I finally had to start standing up for myself but like you, it was not met favorably. I wound up being the 'bitch' while his family looked upon my ex as this poor, mistreated good guy. In fact, even when HE became angry with a member of his family it was always my fault out of habit. I really believe if he had presented our marriage as the most important thing in his life, his family might have eventually been more courteous. This was a prime issue that led to the demise of the marriage. I was quite young at that time, the thought of disengaging never occurred to me. I doubt if the marriage would have survived anyway as my ex had other serious issues which were intolerable, and I thank my lucky stars I am no longer married to him. But one thing it seems like we have lost is that when you marry it is a 'union'. Neither partner should be made to feel like they have been placed alone on an island. And doesn't this extend to the skids? If DH's would display to their children and family that their marriage is top priority in their lives it delivers a message.
Sandy, you make a real good
Sandy, you make a real good point here, no spouse should feel that they have been placed on an island alone, and you are very correct that no marriage can survive if both partners do not put the spouse in a position of priority, and I think this has always been the problem.
Husband is set to start counseling for his passive-aggresive behavior. He can identify himself in the characteristics of a passive-aggressive but does not feel her is one. Identifying is one step but he has to take the additional steps to change the behavior or there is no way I can keep doing this.
I asked husband if his sister, th one that has caused so much damage, said anything about me at the reunion (she always does). She told husband she saw my post on FB about passive-aggressive....realize no names mentioned, just a fact. She asked husband waht was going on. He tells her that I thought he was passive-aggressive. She told him that if anyone was passive-aggressive it was me. Holy cow!!!! What a crock! Husband claims he did tell her that I definately was not passive-aggressive, that I meet all issues head on and I deal with any issue at hand. He claims there was no more conversation but who knows.
Husband did admit that it was up to him to invite my daughters to the reunion but then said, "Did they even want to go?" In my way of thinking, whether they wanted to go or not was beside the point, it's like someone not getting an invitation to a wedding or birthday party.....you have been excluded. When he got it, he then says, "I just was not thinking." He seriously is focused on himself, his needs, his wants, his desires.....he does not consider others or engage in any form. So I am that person alone on that island and have been there for years but have finally realized I am entitled to a life, a life that includes people who care and love me. This is just too much.
1. Why did you ask what SIL
1. Why did you ask what SIL said about you? The answer can't end up anywhere nice and just subjects you to her abuse even though you managed to avoid it in person. Are you looking for such treatment? (I mean this as an honest question to ponder. I had to train myself not to look for this type of treatment under the guise of staying informed. I am disengaged-which is often the opposite of informed. It works)
2. Why can your evil SIL see your facebook posts. Toxic people get deleted in my world.
3. If DH has otherwise engaged himself for the larger part of the last month, I wonder if there are larger issues at hand here than your rude in-laws. Many people with rude in-laws find a way to have a happy marriage. I hope you find your way.
Wishin you the best~
ItAlmostWorked....yes, there
ItAlmostWorked....yes, there is definately more issues than rude in-laws here, mostly to do with husband's repeated passive-aggressive behavior which we are in counseling for. Trust me SIL is now no longer a friend on FB. Of course that will look bad on me but oh well. My point to husband was to show him how much his sister digs and jabs at me. My parents did not like my first husband but I supported him fully with my family and I really feel this is how my husband should be with me.