I started counseling this week
I had my first visit and I felt like such a load was lifted. Just being able to word vomit and be validated by a professional made me feel stronger.
I had initially asked DH to go to counseling with me...its been rough because he's worked out of town a LOT over the past year...12 hour days 6 days a week. Sometimes 7. We had precious little time together and when he did take a Saturday off we always went out of town to visit SD20 and SGD. When I would ask for us time he'd bite my head off. I thought counseling together would help us reconnect and help us communicate better. And at first he said he'd go. Then after last trip to visit them stuff happened....I got 3 days of silence. And when the silence broke he said he didn't want to go. I said OK. But I made the appointment for me.
I honestly don't know what's going to happen here, but I do know something has to change and I can only change and control myself, so that's where I'm starting.
When I got into this relationship BM wasn't a factor and skids were ok...I was trying to develop relationships with them, but of course things change and here we are.
I think DH has already noticed a difference in my confidence...the night after my appt he asked how it went and if we talked about him. I told him I gave background info about him. He said the counselor may want to talk to him sometime. I said, sure....if you want to, but if you don't that's ok, too.
I'm done begging for crumbs.
And his only concern is
And his only concern is whether or not you talked about him. How pathetic is that?
Good for you for going. Keep up the good work!
It is pathetic
To think his biggest concern was if I said something "bad" about him. That alone tells you he knows what his behavior has been like. He knows and it surely embarrasses him. Maybe not that he behaved like he did, but the fact that maybe I told someone!
Yeah...its pathetic.
I feel pretty bad that I haven't stood up for myself more, though. I've spent a little time looking back over a journal I started and also over some "group" messages....one from BM saying she wouldn't be video calling with the baby that night because she was out with her BF and her mom...DH said OK, have fun. She commented back "we will. We love you." DH commented back "I love you all too" with a heart emoji. Now I am in this group and I don't remember seeing this message (maybe I blocked it from my memory?)....because I feel like the person I am now would have asked who the hell they love? The baby can't read yet. SD20 isn't in that group (DH, me and BM are the only ones and its been used for BM to video call when she has SGD). I would explode seeing that now. In fact I practically wish it would happen now!
I'm half tempted to screen shot it and send it to them and say "I can't believe I'm just now seeing this...who are y'all talking about here because it seems highly inappropriate to me!"
But yes, counseling is a good thing!
I would do it.
I would do it.
Good for you!
These selfish/lazy partners start feeling insecure at the idea of us branching out, seeking new solutions etc. Boo hoo.
OP, keep working on you and getting stronger. If your H continues to ask about your therapy, only give him the vaguest answers. Let him be the one to feel some discomfort. Let him sense your focus is now elsewhere, and let the marriage drift for a while. This was probably the most effective tool in the recalibration of my own marriage.
Thanks!
Thank you! Yes, its definitely time to shift my focus. And hopefully it sparks a good change for our marriage....but if it doesn't, it will benefit me either way.
Glad to hear you are shifting your focus.
The good thing is you see that you will benefit from the counseling either way. Knowing that you can live a fulfilling and wonderful life 'either way' is so very important. If your DH wants to take an active part in the marraige and work on making it a partnership that would be great. But at the present time he doesn't seem to be committed to making you and his marraige his top priority. Learning to love yourself should be your major focus for now. Then loving yourself enough to expect it from your husband. A marriage is supposed to bring out the best in in both of the partners. Is this true for you?
Telling his exwife he loves her - especially in front of you - is very inappropriate.
Counseling changed my life
Counseling changed my life and it will change yours. Good luck.
This is great news. Oh and by
This is great news. Oh and by the way,,,,about that bm text garbage,
I'm half tempted to screen shot it and send it to them and say "I can't believe I'm just now seeing this...who are y'all talking about here because it seems highly inappropriate to me!"
BAHAAAAAA
It was inappropriate.
**my x and I get along very well for real real. There is NO way I would text WE LOVE YOU. Nor would he send that to me. Even when the children were little. *barf*
Maybe bring this up to your counselor?
Definitely talking to my counselor about this
Oh, I'm definitely bringing this up to my counselor. And I still may yet send this to both DH and BM....because seriously....wth were they talking to??? Idgaf if they both gaslight me, it's there and I'm not crazy. If they love each other, then by all means, let me get out of the way. It's just not acceptable.
I want to get to the point that I can stand up and say "this is not working for me. I need changes to me made. If you don't love me enough to make those changes happen, to prioritize me enough to figure it out, then I can do it myself. "
I wouldn't send it to BM but
I wouldn't send it to BM but I would send it to your husband and ask him if there's something he wants to tell you about why all the visits with SGK have to have BM in tow.
I would also insist on killing off that group. There's absolutely no reason for BM to be the one showing off the baby. Your SD can do that perfectly well by herself. It's time everyone found their rightful place in this "famil".
BTW, congratulations on the progress you're making. Happy for you!
Progress was soooo needed
Progress was soooo needed. I was sinking in the middle of a swamp.
I'm sure there will come a point where this message and other stuff is all brought out.
BM will use that group to call us if SD is out and she has the baby by herself...like she's doing a favor. Funny thing to me. And its perfectly ok for us to be interrupted at dinner, whether at home or when we're out and he's giddy to see sgk.
It's not right and it's not normal...like I've told him before...this isn't a TV sitcom. And its not fair to me.
At the end of the day, if he and BM want to be with each other, they can do that. I am not begging anyone for anything
Now that is one line that I
Now that is one line that I would definitely draw. Whether you are eating in or out, make it a rule for ALL phones to be switched off (or left in the car) during the meal. The same goes if you're at the movies, theatre, in a museum, etc. It's a simple question of courtesy. All calls, texts, etc. can be answered later.
I am willing to compromise
I'm willing to compromise...we have 5 kids between us, my younger two are the only ones that are minors., but my oldest is military so I keep my phone on me, just in case.
I'm ok with him sending a text that we're out and he'll call later...that's fine...but I think there are lots of things we need to renegotiate in our relationship.
Are you kidding me? How did
Are you kidding me? How did you not previously notice this "I love you" crapola via text?
I love your confidence. Never settle for crumbs. You deserve more!
I've been asking myself that
Same question since I saw it. I surely saw it, surely...but I can't believe I forgot the most hurtful of all the hurtful things from the past couple years. The biggest red flag! I don't know if I just couldn't mentally deal with it and my mind "blocked " it...that's all I can come up with.
If something like that happened today, I know it would hit me like a tornado and they'd feel it, too...there would be no silence. I'd also make sure BM's bf saw it. I don't even know the man's last name, but I'd track him down and share it with him.
Its toxic behavior. I know she wasn't talking to me...she and I don't love each other. The fact that he answered her makes it worse because apparently he thinks its ok.
I've always regretted not speaking up to BM
BM and DH lost an adult son by an accident about 5 years into our marriage. I've always been very careful to be understanding of her feelings. One day she and her husband were together with me and DH and some attorneys and BM said "I lay awake at night worrying if EH is going to have a heart attack over this" and her husband nodded that she did stress over it. DH and I both were dumbfounded and wondered what her problem was, and his! If my DH said he laid awake at night worrying about BM I'd say I'm out. I wish I had spoken up and said something to the effect I was taking care of him and together we are working through it but as always I sit back and take her digs.
Hindsight
In hindsight there are lots of times i wish I had said more, but I can't change what's already happened. I can change how I handle things going forward and silently won't be the way.
I matter to me, if to no one else. Bottom line.
Great news that you made the first big step to go to counseling!
His question whether he was discussed could be predicted. I'd tell him (insert my sarcasm) 'If you were there then you would know if you were discussed' or 'Would you be flattered if I said yes or pout if I said no?'
I've learned to NOT discuss anything with exHNarc when I went to counseling in that past. I learned the hard way that anything I would share, at his prompting, positive or painful, that he would throw in my face.
You sound like you're on the right track, working on yourself, because no matter where you go or whoever you're in a relationship with, the common denominator is YOU. You will always be with you so love and nurture you! ;-)
I love you
WTF. Thats a hill to die on in my opinion. Your counseling sessions can help you figure out why you blocked that out, and give you tools to gain confidence, build and maintain boundaries. I totally think thats possible, as I have also blocked things out. He is playing "happy family" still with BM so enmeshed with SD, and I agree with others - call him out on his ch!t. And block block block BM. No more group text. SD with DH can figure out how to keep communication lines open without THAT.
Ive been excercising and going out with friends and really really focusing more on my life and less on his and skid and BM.
And its slowly creating more positive interactions and Im much happier these days. And Im calling people out on their stuff.
Calling it out
I've been thinking about this one obsessively because its huge. I know me and I can't believe I didn't say something or even remember this one...I remember other stuff, but not this, the most major of major things. I HAD to have blocked it out.
DH spent most of the last 2 years working out of town and I only to to see him once a week for dinner ...so there wasn't much time for us to talk...he was working 12 hr days 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. He was naturally exhausted and wasn't pleasant to be with because he was so tired....I made a lot of concessions because of thr circumstances. I probably intended to talk about it later, like a lot of things, and buried it in my mind.
It will be brought up before our next trip to visit...a shit ton of stuff will be hauled out before we make another trip.
I know DH will point out that it was sent in a group that I'm a part of and nothing was hidden, so it's not "love" like that...I don't care. Its not appropriate. And in light of that and other things that have happened, I need him to understand that we need new boundaries in place. I expect it to be a rough talk, to say the least. But I need this and my needs matter, too
I started Counseling too!
Had to fire my first counselor (she kept interrupting me and assuming what I was going to say, wrongly. It was infuriating. My new counselor is nice, but it feels like we're just chatting. I'm not sure he knows what to do with me. Lol. We're 2 sessions in. Was hoping for more take-aways and ideas of how to not lose my mind about Skid and BM-related stresses, but so far he tells me I'm doing a good job and that's about it. Hoping for more progress soon....
Glad you have found it helpful already!!
Questions
Your first counselor sounds like they weren't listening - a necessity for good therapy. Your present therapist should be asking questions to get a feel of what your concerns are, then giving feed back on possible alternate ways to deal with problems, or making comments to guide you into finding the solutions on your own. Sometimes it takes a few tries before you find a good match. Keep trying - you will find one who is good for you.
Good counselor makes a difference
I would have fired the 1st one, too. A good counselor makes a huge difference.
My next (2nd) session is Thursday. I haven't gotten much takeaway yet because I do feel like I'm still sort of explaining the situation, but she has given me validation, which has been a big deal after DH continually telling me that I'm too sensitive.
Finding this "I love you" message will hopefully hit him in the face as inappropriate whenever I talk to him...my counselor doesn't know about it yet, since I just came across it again after going back over messages. I also had started a journal but didn't have much time to write...fortunately I didn't rip out the pages and throw them away as I have been prone to do at other times...so I had written about stuff and details, so it refreshes my mind about specifically what happened and not just the feelings I had/have.
An issue I have is feeling so overwhelmed that I can't always point to specifics...so I need this when I get off track with where I was going with making a point.
I hope this next appointment she can help me with how I can talk to DH. I already know it won't be pleasant or easy, but at some point it will have to happen and I need prep time to get myself ready for it. It's like studying for an exam!
My DH interrupts me and tells me in so many words my feelings are wrong...so instead of talking about specifics I end up trying to defend my feelings...and he usually walks away or I am so side tracked I forget what I was saying. He gets defensive and I don't feel like I ever get to make my point. Its just frustrating and I need help with how I can approach this. I'm not confrontational by nature and try to be understanding, but I need a turn at being the one who is understood.
Feelings are neither right nor wrong
In certain context. You need to feel confident when you talk about the facts of things and feelings. Sometimes Husband will tell me "you shouldnt feel that way", I counter this with "I feel how I feel".
Then hit him with facts.
He uses deflection like mine does.
Journalising here and writing a list might help to stay on topic.