For new SMs-reasonable expectations to have of adult SKs
I hope that any and all new SMs to adult SKs will read this. It seems like many of us have made the mistake of trying to win adult SKs over. To be buddies with them.
Chances are that they don't want to be buddies with you. Your trying to win them over won't help you in their eyes either. It'll make you come across as trying too hard and pushy. If you do this, you're unintentionally setting yourself up for failure and to be burned.
DO expect respectful, civilized behavior from your SKs. How they feel about you is for them to deal with. But if they start treating you like $hit, leave (if you're at someone else's place) or kick their a$$es out of your house (if they are at yours). You do not have to be their doormat. Every human being, barring convicted felons, abusers of people and animal abusers, is entitled to expect that others treat them with respect.
ETA: Do not expect adult SKs
ETA: Do not expect adult SKs to love, like or care about you, or want to be buddies with you. Don't expect that you'll someday be one big happy family. Aim for a peaceful co-existence and expect to be treated respectfully by your adult SKs.
I made the mistake of
I made the mistake of thinking I could be friends with SD. Even talked with her about it, told her, I'm not looking to be a step-monster, just you're friend. I set myself up for failure. SD didn't want to be my friend, it was useless on my part to try to be hers. So she got to abuse me some in the beginning, I took it, thought this will get better. What a fool I was!!
I've learned lots on the road thru Step-hell. I hope that DH & SD can have a relationship, I don't need one with her. But SD will respect me & my home, that is what I require from her, or she won't be welcome in it. I don't need her love, friendship or anything else.
I know my situation is
I know my situation is different. I had a wonderful independent life when I met DH. I did not NEED him, BM or SS27.
And I am self centered enough not to want to add any conflict to my life for no reason.
I was perfectly aware that SS is a worthless alcoholic POS. Yes BM and DH would have loved for me to swoop in and try one more time (after their many failures) to "save" him.
Not happening. I did not make him or break him. Not my responsibility to fix him either.
I don't really give a shit what he thinks of me. The only thing that counts is what I think of him.
I love your comments and your
I love your comments and your attitude old one.. Right on! What matters is what I think of them! Why do we spouses seem to spin this around in our heads? Why am I even on this site? Why do I waste one second thinking about these repulsive slugs? I guess because it still really bothers me what dh thinks and does regarding them? I have got to say F$&@ it more often!
I don't really know what I
I don't really know what I would expect since my SD;s are adults, but I met them when they were young 8 and 14. IF and that is a big IF, if I was in the position to meet a man with adults steps now, well I certainly would have ZERO expectations.
Cordial, polite and respectful is all that should be expected between steps that meet when all are adults. JMHO of couse.
When Daisy was a child, I
When Daisy was a child, I understood and tolerated.
When Daisy was a teenager I silently pleaded for her knight in shining armour to take her the feck away into the sunset.
When Daisy got married she tightened the screws.
When Daisy moved into her house it was a convenient place to lure daddy at every turn.
When Daisy got pregnant it was living amo to control and manipulate her father further.
Daisy did not change with the advance of adulthood except to hone the art of manipulation to perfection.
:sick:
I LOVE your gift of phrasing
I LOVE your gift of phrasing your experiences with Daisy concisely but so effectively.
EX-ACTLY!
EX-ACTLY!
Uh yeah...Daisy - cut the
Uh yeah...Daisy - cut the f'ing cord.....
Get your own damn life and relationship with another man.....
Ha ha, StepAside, she can't
Ha ha, StepAside, she can't step on my toes anymore - and if she had I'd have flat feet by now!
You are a strong person. Good
You are a strong person. Good for you for standing your ground.
In my case, I had practically no co-operation from DH. He couldn't or wouldn't see the manipulation.
She didn't do it by stamping feet and hollering, she was cleverer than that.
She would tell him things, bottom lip aquiver, like 'I don't feel welcome' (that meant he had to go to her house - without me, of course).
She would tell him the grandkids 'missed him' (this was overnight!) could he take little Jimmy to football, could he stay and read little Lucy a bedtime story.
She would say 'Oh, dad, I haven't spent much time with you l;ately (at least 2 days!) can we go shopping together - where she would extract every single hearts desire from him - not by outright asking - but by saying stuff like 'Oh, I like that, But I can't afford it' - Hey Presto!
Taking kids to school, spending time, going shopping - All normal stuff from the outside - yet engineered to 'own' him for as much of the time as possible.
Its all mad
Your SD must be the twin of
Your SD must be the twin of mine minus the grandchild.
^^^^^I LOVE THIS^^^^^ This
^^^^^I LOVE THIS^^^^^
This was just what I needed to hear this morning. "I give what I get, because I love my husband." I have a new mantra.