Opinions appreciated...Adult "Child" insurance...

Forums:

Sorry, I know this will be long, but let me give you some background information first.

SD21 lived with SO and I for months and wreaked havoc on our relationship. She was rude and hateful to not only her father, but to me and my children. She ended up throwing one of her tantrums two months ago, and moved out. Her tantrum was over something so stupid that I'm embarrassed to even share it. However, she lied to BM, her sisters, my friends, SO's family, the whole damn community that we had locked her out of the house. That she had banged and screamed at the door, in the rain, and the whole family walked back and forth in front of the door and would look at her and laugh. This was just ONE of the ridiculous lies. It never happened.

SO has always tried to help her out when he could, but drew the first line when it came to her car insurance after she had lied to him about a wreck she had been in. He almost completely dropped her car insurance then, but knew she couldn't afford it because she's in college and always broke. He kept the liability, but couldn't afford collision. Well, three days after he paid off her car, she totaled it. Granny gave SD21 her old car to drive in the meantime, but with her driving record, he couldn't afford even liability for her. He told her that would be her responsibility. Of course, BM started paying it for her.

Four under-age drinking tickets later, BM is the saint because she's paying for all of SD21's fines, court costs, and attorney fees. And mean daddy only helped her out with the first time. Didn't learn your lesson after the first time? Or the second? Come on.

So, SD21 has stormed off to live with her saintly mother and starts to attack her daddy and I (and my kids) on FB and Twitter (sperm donor, asshole, psycho bitch, replacement kids....) from her cell phone. Which mean daddy pays for. He's had this issue with her before, and told her that she is NOT to use a device that he pays for to trash us. So he immediately had her phone disconnected. SD21 called him immediately from her sister's phone and screamed that he was dead to her. And they haven't spoken since. Well, guess who's paying for her cell phone now? BM...yes.

Oh, I guess I should mention that he has two other daughters, SD14 and SD16 that live with BM. He pays $800 a month in child support, which he has taken directly out of his check (HIS choice, not court-mandated) to go directly to BM. He also covers their health insurance, which SD21 is also on. There is NOTHING in the court papers about support for SD21. He is not required to do anything for her.

Funny, after SD21 moves back in with BM, and BM starts taking care of her cell phone and other expenses, BM calls SO wanting more child support money because she says she can't afford SD16's cell phone and car insurance. Um, no bitch, you can. You just can't afford lazy, entitled adult daughter's expenses. Why don't you say what you REALLY mean?

Well, next month, he has to go to court for a child support hearing. BM now wants $400 more a month. He commented a couple of days ago, that if that happens, he is going to drop SD21 off of his health insurance. His enrollment renewal also comes up next month, so....

I reminded him that the policy is "Self and children"....the cost doesn't matter whether he has two children or twenty. If he drops SD21, he's not going to be saving any money. His response was that he is "dead to" SD21 and he feels like she and BM are always conspiring and conniving. He said he's done doing ANYTHING for anyone who just wants to hurt him. Is this wrong? Just plain mean? Or justified? I know if he DOES drop her, we will have hell to pay from her and BM. Ugh. I don't know how to advise him on this.

LOL over here! "Let your man

LOL over here! "Let your man carry his balls." GREAT advice! I think you're right, an example does need to be set to the others. SD16 now has him programmed in his phone as "Sperm Donor." I guess there comes a point where they have to appreciate what they get, or they will only get what is ordered by the court.

Don't feel guilty about

Don't feel guilty about dropping skid from insurance at 21. At 21 I was already working, horrible shifts and pathetic pay so that I could have insurance. This BS of keeping "ADULTS, i.e. to some kids" on insurance because they can't pay it is ridiculous. They need to step up and pay for it themselves. Sorry, once you are over 18, unless you are a good kid, going to school, working, etc...you need to pay your own way. He needs to drop her now.

"unless you are a good kid"

"unless you are a good kid" ... this is definitely how we feel. I have a BS17 that graduated high school last year. He is still living with us, but going to college this year, making straight-As, working two part-time jobs, and asks for very little. As long as they are helping themselves and growing, maturing, LEARNING responsibility, we don't mind helping out. It's that damn spoiled-brat mentality that we are having a hard time dealing with. But of course, he's just going to be even more of a sperm donor if he drops her.

"unless you are a good kid"

My SO is in a similar

My SO is in a similar situation. SS25 has not spoken to him in several years due to his BM's lifelong, insidious, and ongoing PAS.

Yet SS has had no problem with remaining on SO's health insurance for almost five years since becoming an "adult". Funny how that part of being connected to his father isn't a problem!

My personal opinion is my SO should have dropped him once SS finished college and provided him with a list of reasonably priced insurance plans for him to pursue.

In my book, no talkie means walkie. If SS wants to be an adult and decide not speak with his father (for no discernable reason - no fight, nothing) then he needs to man up and pay his own bills - and health insurance. You can't say you have the adult "right" to cut off contact and end a relationship with another adult(parent) yet still expect that person to carry your load for you - including paying the deductibles! That is a childish expectation.

The SS finally found employment with benefits and he sent SO a very terse, rude note saying he is now able to "get off" SO's insurance. My SO was quite upset about the note, it was almost sneering in its tone. I think my SO is regretting keeping him on his insurance so long because it was a thankless act.

But from a practical side, he kept SS on insurance because he always felt that if something catastrophic happened to SS and he didn't have insurance, SO might wind up paying doctor and hospital bills and it could bankrupt him. Although he wouldn't be legally obligated to do so, he would feel a moral obligation if it meant getting his son treatment he needed.

My only advice in your situation is to keep the issues between CS for the minor children separate from the adult SD issues. If BM can clearly demonstrate to the court that she needs the extra $400 for fully documented legitimate expenses for the care of the MINOR children, that's one issue. (I don't know that cell phones and car insurance rises to the level of a REQUIRED child care expense unless it's in a decree.)

If she just wants to pad her account to help take care for an adult "child" that's something else. There's an answer for that: the "adult" needs to go out and work and become self-sufficient. If BM wants to carry the financial burden for adult SD then that's her prerogative. She can't expect your DH to do so by disguising it as needed support for the other minor children. If I were your DH, I would certainly bring up in court that it is no coincidence that the request for significant increase in child support comes after BM has taken in an adult "child" who is not self-sufficient.

In my opinion, he is fully justified morally (and legally) in dropping any support for this adult who is nothing but abusive towards him. He has no further obligations to her, at all.

I hope you are right about

I hope you are right about the courts. We certainly will bring all the facts with us. We struggle just to live paycheck to paycheck right now.

I love the varied responses

I love the varied responses here at ST. Thank you. He really doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He's just really hurt right now. I struggle with this issue, morally, because I know how hurt he is. But I don't want him to be spiteful or react hastily. But, I also know his children treat him like an ATM. There are several other issues we have had with SD21 and BM that I didn't go into. I just wonder WHEN it's okay to put his foot down to her, and make her be responsible and respectful?

True, we can't "make" her do

True, we can't "make" her do anything. Like crazytrain said, she's going to learn life lessons the hard way. Jobs, relationships, etc. There is zero respect for her father, and that is rewarded and encouraged by BM.

I will check that book out, for sure.

Why? Because HRNYC, I'm sure

Why? Because HRNYC, I'm sure is not alone in her opinion. lol. IS it just his duty, as a father, to suck it up, and BE the dad, no matter what?

I would not let others'

I would not let others' opinions of your DH deter him from making a decision based on facts. Fact: He has no legal obligation to an adult SD. He does not have to provide her any support, including health insurance. If she creates havoc in his life, it seems reasonable to most people that he should cease his voluntary contributions to her behalf.

Opinions are like a$$holes. Everyone has one. No matter what your DH does, the "family" will likely bad-mouth him. So who cares? Don't let their opinions sway him or influence his decision-making. No matter what he says or does, BM and SD21 will certainly find fault with him - IMO they are the unrealistic and malicious ones.

If questions arise from the two younger SDs, then he can calmly discuss it with them.

You are right. Either way,

You are right. Either way, he's the bad guy. One of the points he made the other day when discussing this, and I warned him if he did, SD21 and BM would be FURIOUS and there would be backlash. He said, "Really? What are they going to do? Call me an asshole and a sperm donor on FB? Say that I've turned my back on them on Twitter? Is SD21 going to cuss me out and then refuse to speak to me ever again? Oh yeah, that's already happening." :? :?