Palmed forehead at own idiocy

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We were at a family party today and my bro (separated amicably from his ex for years, both of them very well off) was goodnaturedly commenting about his adult daughter, spending some time after graduating looking around for work. "oh well, he sighed, "she'll be turning to the bank of mom and dad". DH later said how sad that made him. Why? Because he and BM did not function as a pair in that way; because he could not so provide for his adult skids. And what did I find myself doing? Not maintaining a judicious silence or changing the subject, oh no. Stupidly referring to the choices he made getting together with me and having 2 further kids, as if that was the source of his poverty, when that was not the issue at all. My bro has done that and has still functioned successfully, partly because of his income and partly because of the amicable split ensuring that both he and his ex went on smoothly with their separate property investment. WHY DO I OPEN MY BIG TRAP AND EXPRESS THE THINGS HE IS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY HINTING AT. Gotta work on shutting up about these things. I feel besmirched by my own stupid tongue. :sick: hte the way he is subtly trying to blame me for the loss of his relationship with his kids. Thank god for this site.

Hey very good point there

Hey very good point there sonrisa. He may well not have heard a word I said. That makes me feel so much better. And is likely true to boot.

Poodle, if you often

Poodle, if you often successfully avoid responding to that type of comment, you are my hero!! I would not have been able to resist opening my mouth.

What's with the poor me attitude that surfaces from these guys?

(((((((((poodle)))))))))))))

Aw thanks. No I have managed

Aw thanks. No I have managed very well over past few months not to raise or respond to casually dropped mention of skids' doings, and have successfully weathered one nice social gathering with my SS, after the "incident" with my OSD in the spring. I had worried that might go badly because SS would want to support OSD, but though my SS plainly felt awkward in my company at first, he is too polite to be seen to hold a grudge, and we all settled into the swing of the thing quite well by the end. The only other event on the horizon is my FIL's big birthday next weekend, where skids may show up in force. So, disengagement from OSD is going well and suiting me fine. And, I still await the spousal counseling referral that DH planned to embark upon in April. But I have not had time yet to become practised at dodging these little asides of DH about his own attitude to his kids and his own past parenting. These things are said rarely, fortunately, but I think they should be evaded just as much as any direct mention of the kids is -- at least until our therapy commences.

Why is going to the bank of

Why is going to the bank of mom and dad such a desirable outcome? Aren't they the people who make leaning unnecessary as opposed to being the people you can always lean on? Also, looking ahead towards your golden years, wouldn't your DH be happy that he did marry you and have your boys because it is very likely that he will have more support from you and them when he is old?

This makes me think of the Oscars ceremony about 5 years ago when Life Is Beautiful ( an Italian movie about Holocaust, but a light-hearted one) got the award as the best foreign film of the year. Beaming Roberto Benigni climbed over people to get to the stage to receive his Oscar from Sofia Loren. He made the most memorable speech thanking his parents for one gift they gave him: the gift of poverty! I guess it drove him to strive and succeed and enjoy the fruits of his labors. That's the attitude!

What i was also trying to

What i was also trying to say, Poodle, is that i share your frustration at jumping in where it would be more prudent to abstain from commentary. This is from Take My Advice, I am NOT Using It column. But it seems like whenever there is a conflict in the DH's thinking ( am i a good father? a bad father? did i do the right thing/the wrong thing when i x.y.z... ) it is best to let him work it out - possibly with a therapist. But if i jump in and VERBALIZE one part of it, that frees him up to shift his entire weight towards the other side of the argument and happily argue that. Let him feel tortured for a while and torn and wonder what the right course of action is. Can't say that i am strategic enough to let things percolate. I tend to jump in and try to set things right. My results are typically mixed ( from dismal to abyssmal